PISSED OFF

I'm getting angrier by the day. At everyone and everything. I was angry tonight at my parents like I used to be angry at them in high school. It's so stupid...yet not. My reasons are totally valid. I remain expertly skilled at using razor sharp sarcasm, curt replies, and stony silence to get my point across. At the terrible risk of sounding like a petulant brat (at 33), I pride myself on FINISHING the argument, on creating and/or prolonging awkward tension. Especially as i'm always right. No, really, I am. It's my problem in life...being surrounded by fucking loons. I don't enjoy being angry. I'm NOT by nature an angry person. But I don't like being insulted. And I don't like being fucked with. And I don't like being treated like a fucking child. And the fact that the guilty party may be my parents doesn't mean they get a free pass. Seven hours later, i'm still brimming with rage. Brimming is a good adjective, because my rage is in check. I'll let it out in short, controlled bursts of stinging wordplay in the coming days and weeks. Yet again, an already bad week was made worse by a trip to the parents' house. How i'm not a crack addict or devoid of self-esteem is fucking beyond me. It's sad when you're never good enough...yet YOU know you are. I don't know that I've ever cared less about anyone else's problems. I care about mine...period. And I have mountains of them. Note to self...move across the country and fuck everyone. And get a tattoo...right upper arm.

VEGAS, baby...20 years ago tonight!

My sole overnight stay in VEGAS happened 20 years ago tonight. Nevada. Searing heat. Reagan in office. The Strip. Circus Circus. Baby bro and I playing video games and "the stands" as mom and dad gambled all night. Walking around with mom on The Strip at 1am. ONE night of my life...in Vegas. TWENTY years ago...as I write this. Unbelievable. And ya KNOW where I went the next day....

Bullshit, a beer, 2 hours...$85

Gotta love those focus groups. For 2 hours of my time tonight, I got $85 for bullshitting about beer. BEER! And, yes, I got to DRINK beer, too! That was a first. Heineken Premium Light. It's good...which i'm shocked by, because I don't really like regular Heineken. And I hate Rolling Rock. What's with beer in green bottles being shitty? This new beer went down smooooooooth, though. TWO hours of studying print ads and a TV ad, putting bottles of beer into categories like some "get to know you" game at camp, discussing what "kind of person" this new Heineken Light would be. Getting the picture? Bullshit. All while God knows how many people stared at us from behind a one-way mirror. It was just 6 of us, like the smallest group i've ever been in. God, i'm SO happy I got a free beer! I also got a free sandwich and lemonade. And a lovely walk through midtown on a lovely EARLY summer evening. Made my hellish trip there worth it...racing on bike down to the Path in a sorta-lull of a 2-hour monsoon thunderstorm. Ugh. AFTER my kitchen floor flooded because I neglected to close the window. NOT a good period of time. I was soaked by the time I got on the train. I REALLY needed that beer. All that bad stuff is forgotten now, though. Ultimately, a good night.

There's something wonderful about June 29 & 30

I just wanna freeze the calendar. It's summer...but barely. REAL summer begins July 4th weekend. Memorial Day weekend is too early to truly feel like summer. In a month, it's already gonna be August and we'll all be whining that summer's flying by. Right NOW, though...perfect. Even the daylight is at its peak. The last 2 days of June...just the best. You still feel like the whole summer's ahead of you with possibility. Now check with me on JULY 29 when I (desperately) make a case for THAT day.

This week is boring me

The feast or famine-ness of my existence continues, as this week is just...plain...dull. It's only Wednesday, and I HAVE accomplished some notable things, but overall, after last week's blitz of activity, i'm bored. There's 2 days left in June to execute some earth-shattering projects/schemes, so I'll do my best. I don't know...I'm just wondering where the FUCK this month went? I mean, honestly, it's cliche, but I just can't fathom that it's almost July. Will the highlight of my June be finally developing and inserting into albums my 6 rolls of film? Though that IS worthy, I want more, more, more!! I need to start privately writing some lists...figure out what the fuck i'm doing with my time in retrospect. I feel like i'm constantly busy...I KNOW I am...yet The Big Things still elude me. Ugh, baby steps...Rome wasn't built in a day...all that shit...I know, I know. I WANT the Big Shit, though...and I want it NOW. I'm sick of waiting. GOD, am I sick of waiting. I keep seeing these horrific stories in the paper that yet again shove the fragility of life in my face...specifically, 2 bikers KILLED in NYC. One of them a young guy, 24, crushed by a truck on Houston Street at like 9:15am. Can you even fathom that? Killed instantly while riding his bike on a summer morning. I was staring at his picture in the Post for like 5 minutes at 3:30am last night. Why him? Why anyone? Why NOT me? Glad you're reading THIS entry, aren't you, dear reader? Summing up my current mood...a familiar theme -- life's short...you could go any minute...i'm unspeakably bored, restless, and brimming with goals...why DO we stick to patterns even when we know they're bad? I just wanna throw every single aspect of my life out the window and start fresh...which IS what i've been slowly doing. Like this blog...what if I threw out sentence structure and REALLY started rambling? Just nonsense. Crazy jibberish. Poems. My Manifesto. Nonsense like Rosie O'Donnell's blog -- "tree, I saw one...thought of my girlhood treehouse...so sad...memories of the past....linger." Hmm, I need to formulate some end of month Serious Plots. The heart of summer is just around the corner & I remain committed to making it classic. God, it is SO nice out now...I feel like i'm at the beach. Cricketts, 75 degrees, humid, nice breeze. Perfect. So, despite the depressing topics covered here, i'm actually in a most pleasant mood. Spent 2 hours in the town library this evening...a converted mansion...lovely, relaxing, and informative. Amy Sedaris is on Craig Ferguson now...talk about perfect. I could watch her 24-7. She needs her own channel. Can't forget to mention the wonderfully awkward time on THE VIEW this morning, where Star Cunty Jones wasn't there anymore, and Baba Wawa had to explain the growing "controversy" of Star's quitting/being forced out. So rare you see unscripted things on these shows...so I thank you, Star, for at least entertaining me with your public downfall. See, i'm rambling. Does anyone care? I'm still not sure who the fuck reads this...if anyone.

The international visitor brings international hair care products

There's been an air of exotic intrigue to my apartment since late last night, as Dipshit (would you believe me if I said I DO kinda feel bad always addressing him this way?) has flown in an international paramour! Well, from Toronto. About an hour outside of Toronto, to be exact. So, no, she's not from Geneva or even the African bush. Just outside Toronto. She seems lovely enough. If only I remembered her name for more than the minute after Dipshit introduced us. Didn't have much to say last night, but tonight she told me about her FIRST DAY EVER IN NYC (!!!) while Dipshit worked. She spoke of almost vomiting from being so high up in the Empire State Building, befriending a black gay hairdresser on the street, and having zero interest in seeing any Chinese people in Chinatown. She then made the fatal mistake of calling it GreenWHICH Village. I corrected her with a smile. OK, i'm coming off like a total fucking asshole snob. Maybe I am. I don't know a damn thing about Toronto...but Toronto ain't NYC. And doesn't everyone know Greenwich Village...or at least how to pronounce it? I'm likely just being a dick. Again, she seems like a perfectly lovely lass. Poor thing...she comes to visit NYC for the first time ever, and her ignorance is being documented by her lover's vicious roomie. She'll be gone...along with Dipshit...tomorrow evening, so it's not even like she's bothering me. Off to the shore they'll go. I think I actually dig her presence in the slightest way...in that "something new" way...knowing her intrusion into my space is ever-so-brief. And as I took a shit today, and my eyes wandered restlessly around the bathroom, searching for things to clean perhaps, I spied 2 new bottles on the floor outside the shower. As soon as I completed dropping the Cosby kids off at the pool, I fingered these bottles. Yes, I just like using the verb FINGERED. They were shampoo and conditioner called LIFE, made from some Toronto drug chain. And for a few seconds, I was in Toronto, too! Out of my miserable apartment in this miserable town and washing my hair for a night on the town in TORONTO! Il fait beau, ce soir! Yup, big things happen in my bathroom.

Gary's obsessive compulsive Domestic Tip of the Day

So my fantastic CA pic would NOT hang straight on the wall. I was getting increasingly irate over a roughly 10-minute period of wasting my time on this. Finally, a genius idea...those tiny double-sided mounting squares!! I have a bunch in my desk drawer. And like THAT, using only one square, my prized pic sat straight and steady on the wall, bringing yet more delicious order to my life! Use accordingly in your own.

I could VERY easily bitch, bitch, FUCKING bitch about this day...

But I won't. TWO unspeakably agitating financial episodes that could have sent me...and still may...into fits of panic and rage. But I choose to move beyond them. You know, hold onto that "true character of a man is how he reacts when tested with adversity" thing. It did all get me thinking, seriously, about how easy it is to get discouraged and lose focus. But you can't. I can't. Even though it feels very often that I take half a step forward, then three steps back. Gee, this is again turning into self-help bullshit. I'll focus on today's positives...for starters, the finance hell ultimately served to only get me FURTHER organized, but in THAT area this time, which is, naturally, more important than organizing my sock drawer. I picked up my FINAL roll of film for quite some time...amen!! I'm gonna finish inserting the pics after I write this. Dating them will come tomorrow. Yeah, I like taking pics, displaying them in albums. But if anyone thinks for one second I like the PROCESS of it, you're fucking insane. There's a hundred other things I'd rather be doing than inserting, dating, and documenting pics in albums...though I must say, i'm about four years behind in the documenting part of that. Eh, it's the least important...I'll eventually get it all done to some degree. I also picked up another dandy $2.99 photo album. Are you getting the idea yet that simply going to a store and purchasing items easily makes my day? My train/bike ride home from the 'rents was also exciting, as I did it in record time, stunning dad with my requisite "i'm home" phonecall. I like "racing" against myself...oooooooo, i'm SO competitive! The best part of today, though, was finally taking my classic (dare I say iconic?) 20-year-old pic of me and my brother on Rt. 15 under the "Welcome to CA" sign and blowin it up to 8x10 size on a nifty Kodak Picture Maker machine. $5 and change and many super careful croppings later, it sits in a frame in my room, waiting for tomorrow to be nailed somewhere on my wall. Now, I truly look like a Holocaust survivor in the pic, i'm so bloody fucking skinny...one with a curiously OVERsized head of hair, mind you, which only accentuates my Karen Carpenter figure, as does my expertly picked sleeveless shirt. Picture Bea Arthur, GOLDEN GIRLS, season one...that's MY Hair then. Christ, i'm such a fucking mess. The Hawaiian shorts complete the hideous spectacle. At least I didn't have the high socks on up to my knees that day....like my brother. My point is that, despite this HORROR, I just LOVE this picture so much that I chose to blow it up even bigger and plaster myself on the wall for all to view. It is JUST the best picture...the BEST memories combined with inspiration to get back there. And I'll now have it shoved in my face daily to motivate me! Not to mention remind me of how far i've come in the looks dept...so my head can swell even further. Hahaha...on so many levels. Yes, THOSE are the great things that happened today.

I have a stiff neck...& look like Blair's retarded cousin, Geri Jewell

My head is tilted and I feel like a cripple. Ok, i'm being a tad dramatic for comedic effect (while at the same time mocking cripples and retards), but my neck IS stiff and I can't turn it to the left well...which made bike riding earlier a bit challenging. I rode down the Hudson River in Manhattan a bit, rolling my eyes and uttering profanities at the throngs of freaks (and, yes, normal people, too) in my way for Gay Pride Day, yearning to run my bike's front tire at full speed into dozens of them. On a related note, I've been subjected all weekend to a nonstop THUMP-THUMP-THUMP of dance music wafting its way into my living room from some pier in Chelsea or the Village. Mellifluous, it was not. Anyway, I did enjoy riding through the deserted, cobblestone streets of extreme west Chelsea. Always something to explore in NYC. Later, I hit ShopRite for yet more goodies. I REALLY have a lot to eat in my house...which isn't always the case. So, it was kind of another blah day...woke up tired and with a headache. Remained tired throughout, despite my bike jaunt. Ugh...MORE pics to put in albums...though at least the nightmare will be over tomorrow with my 6th and final roll developed. I was reading today in Men's Health a lot about RUTS. It's their big Change Your Life Summer Issue. So, nothing life altering...but a few quotes I totally related to. But it's Dipshit's mag, so I don't have access to it now. I'll steal it tomorrow at some point and single out the few quotes that spoke to me. In a nutshell...the same shit i've been saying for months...I'm bored, know it, need to have seismic change...BUT...and this was in the article...that doesn't happen overnight. It spoke of a DOMINO EFFECT of small, slowly-building, incremental changes. TOTALLY! I'll flesh this out more soon. I know everyone reading this is hanging on my every cliched, Hallmark-card, self-improving word. God, i'm thirsty. WHY didn't I buy soda or Gatorade tonight??!!?

I live in a MILLION dollar house!?!?

After almost 3 weeks of sleuthing, I finally hit paydirt about 2 hours ago when I spied my house's "for sale" ad in the local paper for the first time. I'm still reeling from the asking price...$1,199,000!!! Yes, just below $1.2 million! I just canNOT fucking believe it. Thank God I was seated; otherwise, I think i'd have fainted. Dipshit and I thought MAYBE in the 700k range tops. For once, I'm anxious to talk to him about something. HOW in the name of God can this house be worth $1.2 million? It says I live in the "best area of town." Well, that's lovely. Yes, it's a very decent area...but not the BEST in town. More real estate bullshit. I know i'm only one of 3 apts., but it's still stunning to realize I'M living in a MILLION dollar house. So damn funny. Also funny...that there's a THREE'S COMPANY marathon on TV Land now...and "the kids" were just panicked about their rent money...in cash...being stolen, but then Mr. Roper told them he took it, but forgot to leave a receipt. Panic about rent...paying it in cash...getting a receipt...um, that's MY life! Hell, even the crabby husband landlord and the FAR more pleasant and tolerant wife landlord is JUST like MY life. God, i'm SO happy this marathon is on...JUST what I need! It hasn't been on in so long. I'm kinda obsessed with this show. Watched it NIGHTLY in like '03 and '04. It's like THE pivotal show of my youth...and I mean like before age 10, which is amusing given it's a sex farce. Somehow my moral watchdog parents found THIS show acceptable for their young son? Anyway, it brings back a flood of fond memories to watch it...along with the still-there hilarity. Oh, yeah, and it IS set in SANTA MONICA...and it DID become an ideal for how I wanted to live my young adult life. Ahhhh. So, that's my exciting blog for this very dull, humid, monsoon Saturday...the LAST Saturday of June. Come and knock on my (million dollar-plus) door...

New headphones!

So amusing what makes me SO happy..."the little things." Well, I finally have a way again to listen to my stacks of CDs...bought new Sony EARplugs tonight from Walmart that i'd eyed on Sunday...about $10. This is my first foray into Ipod-esque earplugs, though these have a clip onto the ear. But no agitating, hair-messing headband anymore! SO fucking fantastic! I can't wait to waltz around town wearing my hip new gear. I also can't wait for creativity to flow over me as I listen to all this music. I was already feeling EXTRA cocky tonight. Yes, I AM easily amused and impressed...by THINGS. Not people. Anyway, it's past 3am and i'm fucking exhausted yet again. I will play the O BROTHER, WHERE ART THOU? soundtrack on my EARPLUGS as I drift into sleep. I just ran around lookin for a NY Daily News so I could read their Bruce review, and was pleasantly stunned to get it for FREE! Sure, the front page is ripped off, but who cares. Ah, another financial trick! And my good luck just continues this week! OK, the couch is calling me...

Sears Tower, 1986 vs. 2006

Hmm, THIS is oddly timed. It's 12:50pm...I believe I was IN the Sears Tower in Chicago 20 years ago this minute. TODAY...the big news is that a home-grown terror cell out of Miami was plotting to "strike" it. Maybe I'm reading too much into things again, but I just think it's freaky cosmic that 20 years apart to the day, the Sears Tower is in my thoughts.

SPRINGSTEEN!!!!!

Last night, my incredible week continued with a trip to Madison Square Garden for Bruce's "Seeger Sessions" tour. For FREE, mind you. V For Vendetta accompanied me...she being the one who WON the tickets at work. I'd meant to write about the show last night, but I collapsed on the couch after my first blog entry and fell asleep. I kinda feel the same way about this show as I did my Western Trip blog...it's just impossible to write about, in a way, because it was so great. That, and the fact I don't have the time or patience right now to craft an award-winning write-up. We had good seats -- facing the stage, in the first of like 5 upper tiers -- but our section was a bit of a dud. The parents with their kids behind me, initially irritating, I actually came to admire, as they at least consistently STOOD UP and danced. I guess I was a tad tired at first. That, combined with the fact I didn't know most of the songs, had me a bit subdued at first. But I must say...I very quickly got into it, wildly so. I mean, the songs and Bruce definitely got more rousing, too. I LOVE when he gets all "preacher at a revival"...it's truly just exhilarating. To be there with an audience of thousands, slowing working up to a feverish, cathartic, explosive release is a one-of-a-kind experience. TESTIFY! He even threw in some "known" songs...JOHNNY 99, ATLANTIC CITY, MY CITY OF RUINS, IF I SHOULD FALL BEHIND...all reworked to fit the blues, gospel, folk Seegerness of things. The man is just a marvel of energy and endurance...inspirational. He is how I want to be at 56...COMPLETELY at the top of his his game...physically, vocally, charismatically. One hell of a way to celebrate the 20-year-mark of my Epic Western Trip. BRAVO, BRUCE!!

TWENTY years ago today...The Western Trip began

It's so monumental to me...both the trip AND the fact it's been 20 years...there's no words to really convey how I feel about it. I guess the thing that gets me is simply that it's just SUCH a marker of time's passage. I mean, when I went away to college, it was only "5 years ago." NOW, it's TWENTY! The 13-year-old gawky kid is now a 33-year-old LESS gawky man...and, yes, i'm referring to myself. Christ, it's overwhelming to see 13 and 33 next to each other. I feel like i'm 80. It's just about 2am now...so at this time in '86, I was around Pittsburgh on an Amtrak train. That's what my diary says...but did it really take 9 hours to get to Pittsburgh? Seems long to me. Good fucking Lord, twenty years. This is just crazy to me. I prefer 33 to 13 without question; it's just how swiftly time goes by that kills me. The whole anniversary of this trip is only another factor, though, in altering how I spend my time. Because life is too short. That trip's a great, priceless memory. An absolute Key Life Event. There's really not much more to say. The clock's already ticking into the next 20 years...

SUMMER 2006 begins...8:26am...and WHAT a fantastic day!

EVERY little thing about today has just been great...right down to Amy Sedaris and Bonnie Hunt BOTH being on talk shows tonight. The two of them are just pure gold. And Letterman totally spontaneously walked out of the studio to pick up trash on Broadway that everyone else was just walking over...SO something I would do. For the life of me, I don't understand the concept of littering. WHO the fuck throws a can, wrapper, BOTTLE, whatever on the street? So, it's officially SUMMER! I can only pray that this first day of it is a harbinger of the sultry weeks to come, because today fucking rocked. And it fucking rocked DESPITE my morning starting with being berated by my landlord for my late rent. He is a complete pain in my ass...end of commentary on that. My day also rocked despite HOURS of grueling and tedious work. Oh, and despite going to sleep last night with the HEAT ON!!!!! Yes, my fucking heat was fucking on and I wasn't fucking happy. How the fuck this happened is beyond me. ANYWAY...here's why, in brief, my day was AWESOME -- I'm working again tomorrow...I got booked for a focus group -- a BEER focus group...and I got a FREE ticket to see SPRINGSTEEN tomorrow at the Garden!!!!! YEEHAH! I almost feel like i'm dreaming, because 1) the only other time I saw Bruce, I won a ticket hours before the show from WPLJ and 2) I've been saying to anyone who'll listen that I MUST try to see Madonna and Bruce this summer...despite a lack of disposable income. Hungarian came through again, God bless her...winning 2 tickets from a work raffle this morning. Crazy! She surprised me during my lunch hour on Park Ave with this news. Fucking glorious. She ALSO treated me to a Starbucks treat courtesy of yet another work freebie. I got a banana creme frappe...large, thank you...soooooooo good. I also saw a woman laying in the street after being hit by, I think, a taxi. Insert awkward "LOL" here. It was hysterical how many people were on their cells giving play-by-play of the accident to friends and loved ones. She was moving on the stretcher, so that's good. QUITE a lunch break! Another bike ride to the PATH and back, also. Again, my legs get a thorough workout. I lounged on a bench again, too, after work, taking in the LONGEST DAY OF THE YEAR. All downhill from here. This is the day you dream about when it's dark at 4:30pm in December. Today. TODAY is that glorious day. 1am now...I must SLOWLY prep for bed...and Bruuuuuuuuuuce!! SO many good things...in ONE day! Even the weather...perfect...sunny, low humidity, mid 80s. Grand indeed.

I'd dig that $850 BMW!

Whew! Me had what they call a LONG day. You know, like most people, I went to work. Ah, but there's a tad more. I rode my BIKE to the PATH, tied it up nearby. Thus, I had an invigorating start to my day...and a lengthy "cooldown" as well. Then there's the fact that I got even LESS sleep than I figured. Between the heat and my fucking bladder, I MAYBE had 3.5 hours genuine sleep. Yet here I am, still ticking at 12:45am, with work in the morning again. Yeah, I'm bragging. Did I mention I also biked a mile each way? I also walked to 20th and Park for "lunch" with the Hungarian Goddess and her equally saucy work companion...a saucy Jewess. Not saucy in a Fran Drescher way, but more in an Elaine Benes/Tina Fey way...if they were both Jews, and maybe they are, but I think they're not. I stole from the mountain of potato puffs overwhelming Hungarian's plate and that pretty much constituted my lunch. Oh, I did get a lemonade, too. Ok, that's enough excruciating detail...on this FINAL DAY OF SPRING!! OH...MY...GOD...I just realized something...new paragraph...

EIGHTEEN YEARS OF DIARY ENTRIES!!!!! That's right...it all began in a black and white notebook on June 20, 1988. Holy shit. I'll never forget how that first entry details mom and I fighting in "low voices" in the orthodontist's office...mom tenderly threatening to put my face through the wall if I didn't stop "talking back"...which I always did so well. I wanna say she was pissed at me being on the phone late at night...no, I think it was something I SAID on the phone. Oh, bygones. Anyway, I'd like to again salute and thank Mr. Murray for making us keep that diary that summer for English class. Too bad I was like the only one who took it seriously...and ironically had one of the LEAST interesting 15-year-old lives. Ha! So, bon voyage, Spring...and happy anniversary, Private Thoughts...who'd ever guess they'd eventually take this form?

I took a good long while to get home after work ended about 6:20pm or so. I strolled down 6th Ave from 11th to 23rd, and I mean strolled. Didn't rush at all. Wonderful. And once in Hoboken, I sat on a bench by the Hudson, eating my carrots I'd packed in a brown bag. Striking image, no? Took the long way home, as the song goes. Around my house, I came upon a car for sale...an $850, 1990 BMW with 112 miles on it. Now I don't know about you, but I was just FLOORED by this. The way I see it, if I bought this, and it lasted a month till it burst into flames, it would have been worth it. I mean, a rental would cost more for that length of time. Now, unless it sits there for a few weeks (and I mean a FEW), I won't be buying this. However, that's not the point. The point is that I am INCREDIBLY buoyed by this...a car...a fucking BMW...with a sunroof...for only $850! THAT is just one more thing that's gonna carry me through the day. The moral...deals CAN be found...ya just gotta walk/bike around the neighborhood to find them. Search...seek things out...be creative...be persistent.

Even going into work at 10am sucks moosecock

I'm working tomorrow (!!?!?!?!?!!!!) and am elated...really. I'm also elated that my already slightly-later-than-the-rest-of-the-9 to 5-on-autopilot-workers-of-America start time was pushed from 9:30 to 10am. But you know what? At the terrible risk of inciting "oh, FUCK you, lazy ass!" rage, it's STILL too early. This means I have to wake at 8am...and The Gary Guidebook to Life states clearly on Page 1 of Chapter 1, in the third paragraph, that being forcibly roused from slumber ANY time before 10am is just SO not acceptable. This means a NOON start time at the earliest works for me. It's 2am now, so i'm at the 6 hours of sleep mark as we speak...but not really, 'cause the alarm will be set for 7:15am. We're looking, at best, at 4.5 hours of genuine sleep. This sucks. I'll do it...I will NOT compromise my natural clock for the rest of you assinine motherfuckers...but it still sucks. Moosecock. Big fat moosecock. That's what it sucks. Ah, but it could be 9am...so despite everything I just wrote, i'm as giddy as a little girl with her first period. Or lollipop. Whatever image works best for you. And on that note, time to say my prayers and prep for bed!

Fat people jogging

They make me giggle.

Parading through the new Walmart...and later reclining on a chaise longue till 9:10pm!

This whole damn day has really been great. After my wilderness excursion in the meadows, I made my way to the new Walmart nearby, accessing it via the new road extension. Holy excitement! I somehow wandered through Walmart at a leisurely pace, with barely a profanity uttered in my head. I was stunned at how cheap film was, along with most of the electronics. I really don't care about their slave wages and censored music...if I can get stuff I want CHEAP, i'll be there OFTEN. I'm not one for moral stances against retailers. I'm one for going wherever I can get the best deal. Yeah, I won't buy my CDs there. I want the filthy versions, thank you. But film? Hell, yeah! Fast forward past handing dad his Father's Day card, enjoying a wonderful dinner, gathering my Sunday papers, and doing some brief yardwork...to me collapsing with glee onto the SUPER comfy and PUFFY flower-powered lounge chair in the yard, ideally situated right under the cherry tree. I am TELLING you, it was heaven on earth. There was an incredible evening breeze, the surrounding yards were actually devoid of annoying children, and night was coming...slowly. I was out there just about an hour...till 9:10pm...and it was still kinda light. I coulda slept there. It was the most absolutely perfect way to cap off the most absolutely zen, solitary week...before my bike ride home...on which I treated myself to a Ben & Jerry's shake. Now I think this was my virgin experience in a B&J store. I only went 'cause I had a coupon for a shake, lol. So I was TOTALLY confused by the overwhelming menu. Kept telling people to go ahead of me. And then, when i'm FINALLY ready to order...the kind I want is only available in large. Fuck that. So out of line I go again. But not before asking "um, can I have a shake in ANY flavor?," complete with a waving of the hand to signify the entire display case. The teen behind the counter was clearly agitated with my stupidity. I was truly like a fucking retard at a left-turn only signal. I'm only used to neapolitan flavored shakes. I got strawberry shortcake. It was tasty, but overpriced...even with the coupon. It's 1:14am now...and JUST when I thought this day couldn't get better...Dipshit still ain't home from his business trip/shore house combo time away. I'm ALMOST sure he won't be back till tomorrow now. Good LORD, thank you!!!!! As I watch LA-set ENTOURAGE...oh, and The Star-Ledger's travel section had an LA cover story. FUCKING GET ME THERE!!!!!

Meadowlands nature trails

YAY...another thing already crossed off my summer '06 to-do list! I hit the Meadowlands nature trails today...on this blistering, 95-degree day. Got my first suntan in the process...not a burn, mercifully, just a nice little "glow." I HIGHLY recommend you all get your asses to Lyndhurst, NJ and find these trails. I first went a few years ago and am still as enthralled by it as ever. Now, of course, I know the trails by now. But I now go for the peace and neverending beauty of it. Actually, they HAVE extended one trail...my favorite one...where you walk all the way out into the swamp on one narrow strip of land, where the electrical towers are. You're out there and it's just amazing...the Turnpike just off in the distance, NYC in view, too...yet all you hear is silence, water, or birds. Or planes...which fly directly overhead. There's tons of flowers and wildlife. It's just great. Did I mention the PEACE AND QUIET??!? This place is an undiscovered gem. On the one hand, I urge everyone to seek it out. On the other hand, don't fucking go there when I am! Every time I go, i'm literally one of 2 or 3 people there. Today, I urinated fully out in the open, if that gives you an idea of how deserted it is. I also was singing at the top of my lungs...why not? I often think I run the risk of being murdered by some lone psycho who traps me, but I can't let that get in the way of my solitary fun. I keep thinking I may find a body, too. So far, so good. I ripped some flowers off for my bathroom, too. Always multitasking. It was a really, really nice way to spend 2 hours on a Sunday...Father's Day...the last Sunday of spring...and the first really, really, really hot day of the year. Get all that?

I am painfully alone

It's Saturday night, the middle of June, 80 degrees out, increasing humidity, a balmy southerly breeze blowin in my delightful bay windows...and, at 9:45pm, I'd LIKE to go out...but truly, literally have no one to call. OK, so let's clear this up...I HAVE friends. 97% of them simply aren't local. I can think of THREE local friends. Now let's run through them...2 are girls, one guy. The guy lives in Staten Island, so even THAT isn't really local. The one girl lives in Park Slope, so THAT really isn't local. Then you have the other girl...who's RIGHT in Hoboken...yet SHE is at her beach house each weekend. And she's, um, a girl. No offense, girls...but shopping and antiquing and talkin about the guys you like...just not really my fucking thing. That leaves NO ONE. NO ONE. If I wanted to go out RIGHT now...I have NO ONE to join me. It's interesting to note that I SHOULD be surrounded by friends now...at a wedding in MA...but I had no way to get there. Perverse. It's also funny I'm feeling this way at the end of a week where i've been BLISSFULLY alone. But maybe that's part of it...while I HAVE enjoyed my peace and productivity and zen surroundings, I am BURSTING to go out and drink and have fun now. It's tough navigating this life of mine. Fuck this. People have worse problems. Blocks from me, people are homeless from a raging fire today. Honestly, fuck this pity shit. I'm just bored and restless. I just need to find NEW quality people to spend my time with...you know, when I can afford it...

I'LL REMEMBER...

Watch, friends, as I brilliantly pull all of this together to fall neatly under the heading of my title...I'LL REMEMBER. I heard that song tonight; it came on as I sped past the Meadowlands about 11pm, windows down, intoxicating 80 degree air blowing in on me. It followed up Kid Rock & Sheryl's PICTURE, which I had been really enjoying, also, in my mellow yet happy mood. Both songs about reflecting on the past. I think I'LL REMEMBER is one of Madonna's best...that background music is just dreamy and oh-so-evocative. By the way, where the fuck has one of my faves, Tom Petty, been? But I digress. So it's a June Friday night, and i'm speeding down Rt. 3 on a perfect summer night, getting misty-eyed over these 2 incredible songs coming on in a row...after a day that continued to be ALL about, well, PICTURES. I concluded my "negatives and doubles" project today. EVERYTHING is in bloody order...but, of course. And I was ruminating on summers past...beach house summers past. The past, period. And one of my doubles was me holding the license plate of my first car...which got me wondering WHERE the hell is that plate?! I took to looking for it here...it's not here...didn't think it was. I PRAY dad has it. I'd really like to have it, dammit. WHY don't I have it?! Do you have to turn them in now? I don't even know. So while I'm briefly looking for it...what do I come upon but travel books from Texas, Arizona, and yes, CALIFORNIA. The TX one I ordered back in '98. The AZ one is from the Epic Trip. And the CA stuff...well, one thing is also from the epic trip...but stuffed into that is a write-up on LA from NEW YORK MAGAZINE from 1999. So, YOU SEE!!!...this obsession of mine is NOT a new one. It's not SO out of left field. It's good to clarify things for even myself sometimes. Hell, now I'm also reminded of my yearning to get to Texas. And I can't forget my Epic Western Trip Diary that I also briefly read through today...the official day is JULY 2, 1986...the first -- and only -- time I sailed into Los Angeles. Well, to really nitpick...that's the day we drove in our Avis rental to Norwalk, which is in Orange County, and also the birthplace of Tiffany. The 3rd and 4th we slept (and swam at night, I CLEARLY recall) at a Japanese Best Western (tres exotique!) in HOLLYWOOD!! The 4th of July was spent at Universal Studios. On the 5th, we said buh-bye to La La Land, but not before witnessing ballsy Jews KNOCK on Lucille Ball's front door in Beverly Hills. I have the pic to prove it. Lucy was accessible...no front gate for her, just a regular house, albeit a big one. So that's what happened today -- I obsessively organized my pics, came upon old travel guides of the West, re-read my West Coast Diary, had a nifty & productive few hours this evening, which included getting MORE pictures back from the developer (yes, no digital pour moi), and then heard these 2 perfect songs as I sped home. And now, AS I write this...God, this is funny...a report on Los Angeles on CNN. Yes (cue grating, Mary Alice voiceover), I'LL REMEMBER...

June the 15th, indeed a GREAT day!

That lucky dollar I found last night, i'm tellin' ya...because was just GOOD. Nothing earth shattering. In fact, more of the same overall...sitting inside all damn day on a sunny, 80 degree June day...just DOING stuff. The Organizing. Today's big project, among a couple...organizing my negatives and doubles. Jesus Christ, I am just in SUCH a good mood...this momentum of organizing, this FINAL PHASE of it, after SO much time with SO much clutter around me (even though, to most, my "space" would've seemed clean and neat), and while ALONE, sans Dipshit all week...it has just been SOUL REJUVENATING! I have been SO bloody relaxed and calm and FOCUSED. Oh, but that's not even the best part of today. The best part was that my cell rang around 11:45am...and I ignored it. When I retrieved the message...it was the president of the marketing company I did work for back in early May...wanting me for a couple days next week. Um, YAY!! This just altered things for the positive on SO many levels...and then I got ANOTHER $$ gig offer later on! Incredible! So, yeah, THAT'S what made today so great...even as I continue to increasingly yearn for CALIFORNIA...and JUST to get the fuck out of here. I'm tired...my head is spinning...too much productivity...it's just past 3am...

I found a dollar!!

Riot. It's all a riot. It's 2:43am...and I JUST left the house for the first time all day...to take the garbage out, get the mail, confirm the new Prudential Realty sign I saw in the realtor's hands about noon had been placed up, to ponder on the front steps, and to take a short walk around the block. On the walk, in the dead of night, amongst leaves and other things, pressed against a garden wall of someone's house on the sidewalk...I spied a bill! ONLY I would've seen it. I'm tellin you, I have a SICK knack for finding money on the street...though it's been a while for bills...which i'd JUST been complaining about...to myself. Now it was only a single dollar bill...but that's something, lol! And I'm gonna consider it good luck...and the perfect icing on my 2nd wildly productive yet mind-numbingly dull day in a row. A day of minor, yet delightful surprises it's been. And FLAG DAY, don't forget. And I found a dollar! I also didn't have a single interaction with another human today...always a plus. Well, one phonecall with my high school alumni directory-maker, but nothing in-person. Damn, that's great. Just cocooned in my apt, GETTIN shit DONE! ALONE!! Ahhhhhh...

Random 2am thoughts

*The FOR SALE sign is gone from the front porch...on a day where I finally -- one week later -- saw the landlords, ambushed by them and a realtor about 12:45pm. Just a TAD awkward, but not that bad. The realtor praised how CLEAN my apt was, "especially for 2 guys." Um, YEAH. Take THAT, old man! I barely contained myself from blurting obnoxiously, "well, I do ALL the cleaning...the other guy does zippo." So are they gonna use a broker now? What the hell? They're still not listed in the local paper. Glad the initial run-in with them is over and done.

*I forgot to note the 12-year anniversary yesterday of OJ Simpson slashing 2 people to bloody pieces...then having yet another insipid jury let him off to walk this earth...to breathe. He killed them. HE should be killed. Anyone who thinks he's innocent is a fucking moron. It STILL infuriates me on every level.

*I've had a VERY relaxing yet productive day of finally reading stacks of business and real estate sections. Clearing clutter AND educating myself...perfect! And it is just gorgeous out tonight...balmy. Rode my bike to ShopRite at 10:30pm. I'm loving that bike again after a rocky start. Makes life SO much easier. Good night.

Happy 38th, Brian...but where are you?

My cousin Brian turns 38 today. Too bad no one knows where he is. I think the Dakotas. But really, who the fuck knows. I haven't seen him in 4 years...and THAT was the first time in years. I often think of him...only sometimes ask his sisters if they've heard from him...usually not. Family parties occur and no one even mentions him. Like he doesn't exist. It's all very sad. All growing up, i'd go to his house on his birthday, sit outside on the patio, laughing, eating, drinking. Great memories. Now...God knows who he's spending his birthday with. Certainly not any family, certainly not any lifelong friends. Hopefully, he had a good day.

9:40pm...and STILL a trace of daylight in the western sky!

Isn't that just GREAT?! And it's still another week till the longest day of the year. Isn't June grand? Almost like living in Alaska...which I'd love to visit, by the way...

My legs are STRONG...like ox

Note the finely detailed, cut-up, superbly defined overall structure of my lower half. Oh, i'm sorry, wrong blog. That opening sentence is courtesy of being very tired, not wanting to write much, and recalling what I did with my day...which included another long bike ride...with another heavy bag around my neck. Which led me to again thinking how easy uphill biking has become this year...which led me to being full of myself about my marvy legs. I missed writing yesterday, didn't I? If so, FUCK! It was a very busy day...very fun...very surprising in a number of ways. A day that saw me up till dawn...which I don't really like...fucks the system up. I was at my cousin's high school graduation party...lovely time. Sampled tons of seafood and had a number of "fun" beers. And I found myself talking to JJ's girlfriend for a VERY long time about the fact that she's been to EVERY state...AND went to college in Hawaii!! I was absolutely fascinated by both these heretofore unknown facts. JJ sat there, clearly bored to tears, lol, as his girlfriend delighted in the fact that someone was so intrigued by her road trip adventures. SOOOOOOO jealous of her jaunts!! It was dad's big birthday, too...which he didn't want mentioned at the party. We briefly did the gift and cake thing before the party...very low key. Full moon, too. It was a fine Sunday. Worn out now, though. Busy 3 days. I found myself flashing back to MY high school graduation, though, as I was buying Chris' card, and to some degree at the party. The whole "your future is ahead of you" thing...until it's less and less so. Yeah, that.

I think I just bought staples for the last time in my life

Yet another night where I had the feeling of utter TRIUMPH over purchasing items from ShopRite. Yeah, it's kinda pathetic, but I don't give a shit. It's my life. When you have precious little money, the smallest things become a game of skill. I actually have many, many tangents I could go off on, but it IS 3am...and I DON'T feel like writing that much. So, in brief, I have a TAD more money in my pocket as we speak, so i'm fucking "splurging" on things like...staples, all-purpose Lysol cleaner, a new hair brush, hair spray, Listerine, and a few other things. Things I DO need, and I'm tired of putting off buying because I'm broke. Fuck it. Oh, yeah, I also dropped off 2 more rolls of film...I just got one roll back. TIRED of having backed-up film to be developed...from fucking January. So it's funny I actually bought STAPLES...at a time when I need tons of "staples." And why the FUCK do I always NEED the "staples" ALL at the same time?! Pain in the ass...though I must say, I AM getting most of them DRASTICALLY reduced. So about those ACTUAL staples...5,000 in a box!! And only $1.79...my kinda price. I'm the only person who winds up pondering my mortality after buying a tiny box of staples. But, seriously...will I even USE 5,000 staples if I live to be 100? Next time I buy them, I could be my parents' age. Shudder. Ugh. WHY must I be a melancholy Irishman?! So it's a full moon out...and it's shimmering on the water outside my window. Rather beautiful. I take my "waterfront" view for granted sometimes...i'm lucky, though. It IS quite a view. So it was a productive Saturday...exciting!! A lot of running around tonight, but that's OK. The Portuguese Feast in Newark was tonight...I was last there 11 years ago tonight. 1995 has the same calendar as 2006. The ability to effortlessly recall dates is starting to depress me...i'm CONSTANTLY aware of sizable chunks of time having flown by like nothing. Alrighty, no dwelling. Concentrate on TODAY...and all the good I did with it. That full moon is just spectacular.

Did we skip to September?

It's 4:11am, MURPHY BROWN is on my TV, and I just got back from a bike ride, lol. Now I wouldn't have gone for a ride if I didn't need to bring my bike up from the front porch...but since I was down there, why the fuck not? Anyway, it feels like fall. Temps in the high 50s, faint smell of tonight's earlier rain in the air, fast moving clouds zipping past a full moon, and a super brisk wind. I feel like I should be going to a high school football game tomorrow. This weather is officially irritating me. I mean, it's NICE out...for September. It did rain all week, though...pissin me off. I want it 90 degrees and sunny until further notice, thank you. I'd like to not see my plaid shirt for a few months. I remain in an increasingly odd, hard to describe mood...basically sick of every single thing in my life and wanting to completely change EVERYthing. Every pattern, every set-up, every daily routine. Oh, yeah, and my job and housing, too. Yet that all makes it sound like i'm a miserable depression case...and i'm not. I'm in a GOOD mood...just unbelievably restless, with extra melancholy and self-expectation thrown in for good measure. And yeah, people around me are pissing me off. I kinda just wanna avoid everyone. Anyway, just had a lovely, brief IM chat with a grammar school friend...who just got home from a night out in Tampa. God bless her...she says she feels like she's 21, out carousing till almost dawn. SHE is what I need more of in my life. It soooooooooooooo figures that I was inexplicably tired basically the entire night...and now, at 4:30am, I'm wired. Most would have gone to bed hours ago if they were tired. Not I. I rode my bike down to the Hoboken A&P about 8pm...that was my big night out. Ok, so the bike IS a godsend. I know i've been bitching about it. I definitely need to start locking it outside somewhere...the staircase carrying at 4am just does NOT work. Well, I should prep for bed with some reading of a Ledger business section i've been saving. Calgon, take me away...

Is anyone else INFURIATED by the sound of AM radio?

Not AM radio itself...that's another issue. But the SOUND of it. For, oh, 90 minutes and counting now, I've been forced to endure Dipshit's ongoing obsession with The Radio Chick, whoever the FUCK she is...I don't GIVE a flying fuck, and whatever the fuck else he's listening to. Music on in another room I can SOMEWHAT deal with...but THIS...infuriating. Honestly, can he make a SINGLE move that doesn't piss me the FUCK off? Can he pick up ANY habit that doesn't grate on my last nerve? Not only is ANYthing on AM radio just full of fucking static...but it's TALK...and BORING and full of nonsense windbags. Here's what it sounds like from the adjacent room...babahbahhbababhabhahbhahbhahbhahbahbhahbhabhahbhahbhahbahhbhahbhahbahhbahhhhahhbahbhahbhahbhahbhabhahahbhahbahbhahbahbhahbahbhahbhahhhhah. Yeah, like that. This low, unintelligible murmur of FUCKING NOISE. I wanna go in there and rip the cord out of his stereo and smash the motherfucking tinny-sounding piece of shit to the floor. The stereo, not Dipshit. Well...

Pssst...my piles are ALMOST gone!!

It's really redundant...so much of this. Streamlining my life, clearing clutter, new projects, new horizons, blah, blah, blah. Nothing I write can convey the ENORMOUS truth of the slow-but-steady, CRAZY methodical restructuring of my life that I have been focused on since the year began. I AM utterly fascinated and taken with myself -- I totally admit this -- and I have forever loved the idea of myself as an ongoing work of art, forever changing and morphing and growing. Don't laugh...I know you're giggling. Good Lord, it's too late for me to start psychobabbling. Listen, I just have too much going through my head now to write well-thought-out, cohesive thoughts. Bottom line...this day has been the 2nd in a row to be DULL AS SHIT...yet productive as hell at the exact same time. I am absolutely obsessed with becoming like Martha Stewart on crack in terms of both multitasking various life projects and organizing every FUCKING tiny aspect of my life. CONTROL...it's all about control. Basically, becoming...and IMPROVING on...the way I used to be before the Madness of the Past Five Years. I must stop now, lol. Because, you know, I have things to read and organize and plot, and writing this blog is JUST taking time away from that. June 8th was my aunt's birthday, by the way. She died 4 years ago. THAT was on my mind all day...from the minute I woke up, actually. Sigh. Well, good night. 2:57am.

So, there's 52 cards in a deck...plus 2 Jokers...

Ahh, the random things that capture my fancy. In my ongoing and increasingly extreme cleaning and organizing, I tended to the 2 drawers in my living room tonight...which included decks of cards...which made me wonder how many cards WERE in a deck? So I googled it, then I counted all the decks I could find in my house, lol. Because without a full deck, why keep them? I also organized them, of course. It is TRULY all or nothing with me. I am absolutely an obsessive personality...not to mention an insatiably curious one. I wonder if I ever knew the # of cards before. If I did, I'd forgotten. But now, I know again...and won't forget. The whole thing has re-sparked my interest in cards. I'd like to learn how to play poker, dammit. And other games. Yes...new things...and old things that can be new again!

So it rained all day. Miserably so. Around 60 degrees and rain. Just awful. It was a strange, dull, yet productive day. In my own little ways. And good news about the house...Dipshit talked to the landlady, and she's in NO rush to leave. She's already annoyed by the phonecalls from "nutzos" and is kinda being pushed by her daughter to move closer to the grandkids. She also intends to give glowing reviews to her 2 floors of tenants. So, yeah, I'm even LESS panicked than I was last night...which wasn't panicked at all. Having said that, today WAS all about further making my eventual move as easy as pie. I am READY. Ok, not quite TODAY ready...but ready. Well, I AM ready today...just don't have the money. Oh, you get the fucking point. Now I just wanna go to a shore house, open a beer, and play cards...

BREAKING 2:50am NEWS!!...Zarqawi, the leader of al-Qaeda in Iraq, is DEAD!!

YAY!! And his "spiritual advisor," too! YAY again! We bombed him to death. Glorious! I got excited when I spied the words "Special Report" on my TV as I tended to other matters. This was about 2:40am on ABC. It's always EXTRA exciting when major news breaks in the dead of night. Soon, I heard the terrific news. He ain't Osama, but this is BIG. Oh, thank Christ SOMETHING has gone right over there. Now the only thing more interesting than THIS middle-of-the-night news is that NOWHERE else can this news be found...no other network, broadcast or cable, nothing on the net. What the fuck?! Are they all too afraid to report it until super official confirmation comes? Or are they behind-the-eightball morons? Either way, KUDOS to ABC News! And KUDOS to the US military!!!!!

There's currently a man picking through the garbage on my curb...

It's midnight. He's been there at least 15 minutes. Pawing through it like a wild animal. The garbage next door is absolutely STREWN on the sidewalk...I wonder if that's his doing, a cat's, or a little of both? I've long seen a few people coming around late at night looking through garbage, most often a woman with a stroller (how crafty)...but this is the worst I've seen in terms of STRENUOUS PICKING through it. I'm captivated by this...sitting in my window blatantly staring. I wanna go out and introduce myself, lol...get this guy's story. HOW did he wind up like this?! In fact, he IS preventing me from taking my late night stroll and relaxing sit on the porch. Destitute bastard! Honestly, though, it goes to show...I'm the luckiest guy on earth compared to him.

AWESOME ShopRite savings AGAIN!!

My latest installment of "how do you get by, Gary?" Last night, I went to ShopRite...bought FIVE name brand things for a grand total of $4.62. Here's what I paid for each, in descending order -- 1) Schick Xtreme 3 4-pack razors, $1.74; 2) 3 pound container of Shedd's Spread Country Crock butter, $1.50; 3) Marcal 160-count tissues, $.55; 4) Colgate Navigator toothbrush, $.49; and today's favorite, 5) Colgate 6 oz. Luminous toothpaste...19 CENTS!! SO bloody, fucking satisfying!! I mean, to put this in some context, the razors ALONE are regularly priced at $5.49. Fantastic!

I ain't long for this town...

"FOR SALE, by owner." And my life just got even more interesting. It's 2:30am and I don't feel like writing a book...there's too many things for me to say. Bottom line...my house is for sale. I SUSPECTED it was...or had been already...about 1:40pm, when I overheard the landlady outside talking to a neighbor, the neighbor saying things like "good luck." I mean, I was fairly certain what was going on. Let's backtrack 2, 3 weeks here...this is NOT a shock to me. On a few occasions, i've overheard from my nosy window perch very vague, intriguing things being said. Never "WE'RE MOVING." But things like "it's a 50/50 chance." Then there's the fire inspector coming, a new roof having been put on in October. Little clues along the way. On top of ALL of that...my good old intuition. I'm just a very aware person. I pick up on things...vibes, words, circumstances. For MONTHS, i've said to myself that the rent HAS to be going up soon. I just felt like something had to give. Then there's the little fact that I'VE been basically prepping to move, with all my cleaning and streamlining, since the fucking holidays. It's SO funny to me...all of this...it's just all too odd and bizarre and ironic. And PERFECT. Me...the guy having more and more panic attacks lately...how did I greet the potentially horrific news that I may be forced out of my apt, forced to pay higher rent, or forced to move back in with mom and dad for God knows how long? Well, I greeted it with GLEE. I am not remotely stressed by this. OK, now let's fast forward a tad to 9:15pm...when I finally left the house for the first time today. THERE it was...as I suspected...a FOR SALE sign on the front porch. Savvy, nosy observer that I am, I noted from my window a few people looking at SOMEthing in the front porch area. I HAD wondered if maybe they'd sell to their daughters...and if so, maybe the deal had been sealed already. But the sign tells me ALL I know for sure right now...that 1) the house is for sale, 2) by the owner, 3) as of today. When it will be sold, to who, what the outcome for me will be...totally up in the air. But you're damn sure I went straight to the local apt. listings online tonight to get a feel for what's out there. I DO NOT EVER want to move back with the 'rents...and will do anything to avoid that. However, it IS nice to know that I have them as a local back-up. Dipshit, meanwhile, would HAVE to find a place to live. Speaking of Dipshit, only at 1am did I broach the topic with him. He claims to have not seen the sign at 6ish, coming home from work...riiiiiiiiiiiight. He's either blind or stupid. Maybe both. So I took a lovely bike ride through town tonight, stopping on Blvd. East to stare at the city, going to both Pathmark and ShopRite. The bike REALLY came in handy. No hills!! But, like, I am SOOOOOOOOO relaxed and fine with this news. Am I in shock? Or nuts? Because I know, on paper, it is so not what I need right now. But maybe it is. I have said from January 1 that I was gonna change things this year, and I meant it. And getting the FUCK out of this apt and this town, and ridding myself of Dipshit...OH MY GOD, I am SO ready for all of that!! I have a fucking LOT going on...a lot of pressure and stress and things to change...but yet, i'm thrilled by it. So FUCK 6-6-06 devil bullshit...I think this was a GOOD day. I got a LOT done. And big change is afoot! Random...I read today that they're trying to make Peroni the "hot" new "upscale" beer. Oh?? Because I'VE loved Peroni for a while now...sits front and center in my wall of beer bottles. But I always DID have upscale tastes. Wow...it's very exciting thinking of where i'll land when this SALE is signed and complete. I'm gonna lay down and stare out my window now...while I can...

Honeysuckle blowin in my window, crickets chirping...all I really need

Not much more to say today. Nice night out, decent day, but I have a lot of little shit to do before I wind down this day. Let me briefly (and pathetically?) say I cleaned the oven and (more pathetically) top of the door buzzer panel, which is naturally tan but was a layer of black soot, oil, and dust. Both are now spotless. Both took minutes to do...making me wonder -- again -- why I didn't do it sooner. SO many things really take SUCH little time, but you just put it off and put it off for whatever reason...from cleaning an oven to paying bills to calling someone to getting a new job. You get my point. Anyway, today's brief cleaning OFFICIALLY completes the Total Cleaning Motherfucking Smackdown i've employed gradually on this apartment since roughly early February. And, OH, what a feeling! I really can't get enough of that honeysuckle. Time to tend to my things...tryin to take control of that damn calendar, ya know?

Manhattan

After an otherwise dull day -- though I DID streamline/store away the shit that's been sitting next to the toilet for YEARS (plunger, huge sponge, etc.) and also tossed into the garbage Dipshit's fave strainer....which is MINE...but has been caked in fossilized sticky oil for, again, YEARS, and it was fucking unsightly, and I look forward to Dippy asking me where it is...and both of these things further filled me with cleansing glee -- I went into Manhattan tonight. Simply because I could. It's THERE, I was bored. Lovely time in the East Village. Though it's kind of depressing in an "oh, my God, I spent SO much time in this hood when I was 22 and 23...can ya SLOW down the calendar some?!" kinda way. I'll be 60 and feel like i'm 22 whenever I walk past Tower Records. Wow, ya know, actually, Tower was my destination the first time I ever rode a Path train by myself. I was 15...Freddy and I, so I wasn't actually alone. So funny now, thinking how grown up I used to feel when I began riding the Path more and more alone. There's just a LOT of memories in Manhattan. I'd like to make some more this summer.

Rainy Saturday

I can never seem to follow up one great day with another. Today wasn't bad. Not at all. It was just...unbearably dull. This, despite the fact that I spent 2.5 hours in the gym, browsed CVS briefly, and hit ShopRite. Ok, not exactly riveting stuff...but at least I was out. And the gym was good. I don't know. Rained hard briefly this afternoon, then just cloudy and cool. Plans to head to CT tonight were made and broken within hours. And I just wound up sitting online all night, inhaling varieties of food, when I YEARNED to be OUT and about. Ugh. Who cares. Not a big deal. I'm...just...plain...bored. Tons I coulda done around the house...and all I did was clean the toilet. HA! At least something got done. Just a riveting night, huh?! I'm just consumed with the fact almost constantly that there's a whole big world of things to do out there, and people to meet, and places to go...and i'm IDLE. It's a slow, torturous road back out of a rut, let me tell you. Jesus, it sounds like i'm way depressed...and i'm not. Way bored, way restless, way sick and tired and aggravated, yes. Ahhhhhhhh!! 2am now...I think i'll pop open a beer...and I wish I had a cigarette...

Some 15 years later...running into Hinchy

This has been ONE good, surreal Friday...where EVERY little thing actually went RIGHT for once. I somehow got my landscaping done before it monsooned...I biked/trained it there in RECORD time (40 min.)...had time to chill afterwards since I got there so early...got a $1.32 long distance bill (yes, you read that right -- God bless the "credit for discontinuing service" clause that I got TWICE for cancelling Dipshit's international plan and changing my national one)...sang out loud in the car to 38 Special ("Second Chance" is one of the best songs EVER), Madonna's "Angel," and awesome new Better Than Ezra...managed a non-stressful time at the parents' (!?!), where I also had a DELICIOUS dinner...downed wine and bullshitted with Bern...and, last but not least, reunited with the first best friend I ever had...who's now running for mayor, in and of ITSELF surreal. It is yet another life experience that you just canNOT script. All the pieces just HAD to be aligned for this most bizarre reunion to occur. Timing, luck, serendipity...all that. After bullshitting over wine with Bern, I went out to quickly plant a flower before rain came again. Hands filthy, i'm tying up the trash bag in the yard when I hear Bern yelling my name. I go to the alleyway...and at the end of it I see Hinchy. The initial realization of what was going on is kind of a blur...I was so thrown. In short, he was walking around the nabe ringing doorbells to garner votes for Election Day on Tuesday. HOW funny that I appear out of another family's yard, hands filthy from planting...as he's seeking votes for a mayoral election. Two ancient friends, the same age -- one still so in love with his hometown that he wants to run it, the other doing yardwork for quick cash in a town he is apathetic at best toward. First thing he said was how I haven't changed at all...flattering, I guess, though I refrained from pointing out how I'm MUCH more sculpted than when he last saw me...which was probably NOT 15 years ago...but very possibly 12 or so. I almost don't know what to say...it was honestly so fucking bizarre to be standing next to him having a conversation. We were friends from age 6 to 10...and then gradually fell out of it. Though we'd play Manhunt and Kick the Can -- which he MENTIONED!! -- for a few summers after that. And now he's running for MAYOR. Good fucking Lord. I'm cynical as can be, and it's obviously easy to get behind people you've known your whole life, but I really got the sense he wanted the job for noble reasons. He didn't seem fake. I wish him the best. Hey, it'd be kinda cool knowing the mayor so well. He even invited us to his hopeful victory celebration. Can you fucking imagine me at SUCH a hometown affair? Too funny, it really is. And HOW glad am I that I always bring my camera with me?! Yes, I got a pic of the two of us. It was REALLY good to talk to him, and for years I thought a run-in would be awkward. Took me being forced into one to realize it'd be fine. Wow, wow, wow. To top the day off, I found a limited edition of Root Beer Float flavor Edy's ice cream at Pathmark at 1am. YUM!! Ah, yes, and it's also an anniversary...FIFTEEN years ago today, I graduated high school. Oddly fitting I'd run into Hinchy tonight...even though we went to different high schools. Oh, did I drink THAT day! Well, this summer continues to be off to a fine start!

Here's my Friday night...

It's 10:36pm and I'm watching Suzanne Somers sell her jewelry on the Home Shopping Network...where I've auditioned, by the way. But that's another blog. I'm really enjoying the absurdity of watching this. I mean, i'm not WATCHING it...i'm online, inhaling chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream, doing odds and ends. But it's ON...replacing my usual Weather or Metro Channel background filler. Sadly, Susie's legs have hit the wall HARD. She should NOT be displaying them. It's too far of a shot to tell for sure what exactly is wrong with them...but they're like bruised or something. Sun damaged? Age spots? She was soooooooooo fine back in 1981. Her face is pretty good for sixty, though. I just find it funny that, out of like 200 channels, I've chosen THIS to watch.

Dipshit talks in his sleep!

As I was writing my previous blog, at about 1:25am, I heard the telltale whine of my roomie's facial tic-inducing voice. Thing is, he was asleep. He said "sir" once. Then again, and louder. FOUR times he said SIR, each time louder and more, shall we say, urgent...like he REALLY wanted to get SIR'S attention. And then...MORE dialogue! He said "I'm gonna have to disagree with you on this." And RIGHT after the word "this" came dipshit's trademark HEH laugh. One short HEH...in the saaaaaaaaaaaame high pitched, whine of a way. The same HEH he punctuates each and every one of his absolutely pointless and unfunny comments to me with. HEH! Imagine Jay Leno meets the worst forced "witty" banter between idiot seventh-rate newscasters in Casper, WY...that's Dipshit's voice, laugh, and overall raconteur appeal. HEH!

JUNE 1...Hurricane season begins!!

It's June. JUNE. JUNE!!!! I'm struggling to comprehend this fact. I mean, I know it's June 1. But you want it to FEEL that way...and i'm not sure that it does. I think as you get older, months more and more morph into one another. There's less clear signs that it's a certain time of year. No big "signal" like school ending or starting. Or even exams. There used to be a PROCESS. Now the calendar just turns...and turns. Eh, hey, it's warm and humid with heavy t-storms...and i'm riding my bike...what MORE signs do I need? Just all goes too fast, that's all. Blink...and it'll be Labor Day. I WANT to have an absolutely tranformative summer. I always want that...but never like this year. It's been five years since I had a Classic Summer...that beautiful Summer of '01. Time for another. Hurricane season begins today, too. Insert multiple exclamation points. I LOVE bad weather. And I love hurricanes perhaps most of all. Yeah, yeah, they bring misery...I know. I PRAY this is the year the Northeast gets slammed...like the hurricane of '38...hell, or even '85's Gloria. We taped our windows for Gloria...only time in my life I've done so. It was a Thursday night in late September..."The (Fucking) Cosby Show" was on. Exciting! So, here's to June...and another Classic Summer!!