And suddenly, New Year's Eve WON'T be the most pathetic one yet...

I just endured a roller coaster ride of New Year's Eve emotions in terms of where I'd be at the stroke of midnight. I'm invited to a party...but the host is the only one i'd know, so I kinda ixnayed that...unless I found someone to go with me. But good luck with THAT one, Gary, as everyone I know is ensconced in the distant suburbs with their spouse and, more to the point, BAAAAAAAAYBE. Often, babIES. UGH. The point has been HAMMERED home like NEVER before...I have NO remotely local friends anymore. NONE. Zero. Nada. Ok, one, and I'll get to her...but still no MALE friends. I NEED NEW FRIENDS, STAT!! But I digress. **So I figured I'd sit pathetically with mom and dad, as dad fell asleep before midnight, and we'd bang some fucking pots and pans at midnight, and I'd dejectedly go home about 12:45am. Well, dad calls...THEY'RE going out, too!?! I call my brother...he's staying overnight at a friend's. Sigh. And so, for about 15 minutes, it appeared i'd be sitting in my apartment alone, a beer in one hand, a steak knife in the other, enduring THE most horrible New Year's EVER. **But then, my LONE local friend came through for me. I think i'm merely invited out of pity, but I'll get through that. Point is, off I'll go to a friend of her's on the Upper East Side. YAY!! It'll be the 7TH time I've rung in the new year in Manhattan...the 4th house, er, apartment party...a pretty impressive statistic, I think. **It rather annoys me how hyped New Year's is...how people frantically start planning for it a month in advance, DESPERATE not to be in the position I almost was...alone or sitting with the parents'. I'M only so obsessed with it because everyone ELSE is. Part of me wanted to be alone tonight just to prove a point...that it could be done without requiring counseling. But I think honestly, I AM someone who likes a party and wants to be with people on New Year's Eve. People I KNOW. Someone to hug, someone to kiss, someone to toast. I know the argument that it's just another day, but I feel like if I live to be 90, I'll wanna think back on New Year's Eves that were fun and involved other humans...not me alone with Dick Clark (who I PRAY has recovered from his stroke well enough to speak properly...yes, I'm going to hell). And yet, I DO Know people who SLEEP through it each year. And then there's the people on the highways...I always wonder about them. What are you doing ON THE TURNPIKE as the new year dawns? Who ARE these people? What IS that MADNESS?!?! **It's 2:50pm now...I actually slept rather well despite initially falling asleep on the couch. I feel refreshed, vital, RARING to go! A little more than 9 hours left of 2006...let the reflecting and goal-listing commence!

Ford, Brown, Saddam, the holidays...

There's too fucking much going on...most of it death. Hmm, I JUST realized that SADDAM makes "three." The traditional "celebs die in 3s" thing. He can count, right? It is truly and simply amazing that these 3 figures have died within days of each other...wildly disparate figures, yet each immensely influential. Even the media seems to be almost overwhelmed by which figure to concentrate on and when. To clarify the latest death: SADDAM HUSSEIN was EXECUTED by HANGING last night just after 10pm eastern time. Most of the world rejoiced. **The President Ford funeral ceremonies began today...much coverage. It was absolutely incredible to watch...solemn and moving. A spectacle in the BEST way. Mrs. Ford, 88, pausing to pray over and then pat her husband's flag-draped casket...her husband of 58 years...a very special moment that the whole world got to see. I continue to be newly riveted by these 2 American historical figures. **Not much to say about James Brown...a long ass line of people in Harlem waited to see him layed out at the Apollo; now he's back in Augusta, GA, his hometown, for the funeral. **The Saddam execution is very surreal and macabre. I'm all for his death, but it's admittedly unsettling to see the video of him getting a rope put around his neck. Naturally, i'm fascinated by it...but it's certainly disturbing. You wonder what was going through his head. You wonder a LOT of things. Summing up, there's SO much importance in 3 current deaths that I can't remotely wax eloquent about ANY of it. It's all far too rich with meaning. Let's just say it's all made me AGAIN dwell on the preciousness of waking up every morning.

Inhaling angel hair, sipping iced tea, eagerly waiting on Saddam's hanging...

Just another cozy Friday night.

Not living up to one's potential

I'm certainly not. But I don't say that because i'm mired in some deep depression. It's merely the truth...and something I think about daily. And it drives me...in a way. I'm saying all this because I saw the Almighty Oprah on a Larry King repeat. She was speaking about her greatest fear...not living up to her potential. What really struck me, though, was her remark that at around age 50, you realize you've got less time left than you've already lived. Well, POSSIBLY, lol. But, OK, so it's generally true. Oprah's comment isn't a new idea to me, so I give myself credit for thinking so deeply at such a young age. Hell, I could die TOMORROW. But it just again had me thinking of TIME...ticking, mercilessly. Feeling like RIGHT FUCKING NOW is the PRIME of my life...and I need to DO something...BIG. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!

Appreciating the Fords

It's always a shame when you learn admirable things about people AFTER they die. I've experienced this personally. But today, I'm realizing how cool President Ford was. Re-realizing some things, along with hearing some things for the first time. Could have been in the NFL?! Getting so much information at once has given me a VERY favorable impression. Then there's Betty. As a couple, they're rather remarkable...mavericks even. SEE...a REPUBLICAN I'd have voted for!! Reminds me again how I need to change my registration to Independent.

YAY, my back and ass massager is RARIN' to vibrate!!!

This is one of those random gifts I asked for at the last minute, inspiration coming solely from stumbling upon various Homedic devices in store circulars. "THAT I could use!" Indeed I can...my back sometimes has serious issues. Plus, ANYthing related to "relaxation" is a gift I need right now. And they're pretty damn cheap, too. Mine massages the upper back, lower back, and ass...or "seat" as they delicately put it. Whatever...it's vibrating my THIN, WHITE ASS!! And I LOVE it!! There's low and high speed for each of the 3 areas...AND I can apply HEAT to my massaged areas!! Naturally, I'm thinking the most fun will be to have all 3 areas on at once...at high speed...and heated. Oh, I just love this Christmas gift. It WILL keep on giving...stimulating, yet calming, my tightly wound body for years to come!!

**Breaking News...PRESIDENT FORD DEAD

Our longest living president EVER. Age 93. The AP has just reported his death. I LOVE when "breaking news" occurs late at night, allowing night owls like myself a leg up on things. And funny how I WAS exhausted until I heard this news 20 minutes ago...and now i'm wired, like the "true newsman" I seem to be. I look forward to the retrospectives and pageantry surrounding his death. Our nation shines brightest during moments of protocol. And another Big Player slips into history for good. James Brown died yesterday...so who's next?

CHRISTMAS 2006

Another rainy Christmas. Another Christmas come and gone. Norman Rockwell-esque, mine was...especially to those who may have been on the outside looking in. It WAS, as usual, a lovely time. Just too rushed and full of expectation. I pulled off some miracle last-minute gifts, though...and ones that actually went over well. A lot of nice gifts came MY way, too. It was a good Christmas...just not GREAT. Is it ever anymore?

Doin' the Catholicism thing

Christmas Eve means MASS. Sadly, not at midnight. "Midnight" mass this year was at 9pm, and has been at varying earlier times for many years. The Catholics are intolerant of many things, but apparently not dipshit parishioners whining that TRADITIONAL Midnight Mass is too late for them. And so off to mass with the family I went...after threatening last year that it would never happen again. I genuinely made an effort to not be dismissive. Shockingly, I tolerated it all very well. The church was decorated beautifully as always, the choir sounded great, the monsignor was pretty interesting. I didn't nod off during the homily; I actually tried to make sense of it. I found myself drawn to the choir...just staring at them. Staring, you may have noted, is a favorite sport of mine. The choir was mainly made up of older women, but there were a couple young men. I found myself wondering who they WERE. How wonderful, I thought, to have such devotion to something, such interest, such FAITH. I need to commit to something I love to do like these singing young men do...that's what I sat there thinking. What FUN, I thought, to have some kind of "practice." Choir practice, soccer practice, pilates class. Something to make yourself better. This isn't coming out nearly as eloquently as it did in my head as I sat there in the pew. But it's 3:10am, and i'm pretty tired after another long day of holiday food, drink, cheer, and shopping. Yes, cheer. I've perked up a bit since yesterday. I pray the mood holds for The Big Day. I guess the big thought that SOMEhow came out of sitting through mass was how I wanted to MATTER. I want to do things that matter, that affect change, that people take notice of. I want to help people. Really, I do. And I always have. Oh, and I also really enjoyed the "sign of peace" part tonight...wishing total strangers a Merry Christmas. I like that. It angers me that people are only overflowing with peace and love on 2 or 3 days out of the year. So I thank you, Catholic mass, for an hour of contemplation, song, and community warmth. Now I MUST get to bed before Santa decides to skip my house. Gary needs THE BLING!

I feel like an alien

So it's only appropriate I stumbled upon WAR OF THE WORLDS on cable. Why an alien, you ask? The usual...the escalating disconnectedness I feel at family parties. All my peers with their spouses and multiple children and perfectly scripted All-American Lives. And let's not forget the requisite "I'm pregnant!" announcement, which results in almost unbearable glee. I love my family, and I wish them happiness, but I feel utterly out of the loop. I mean, truly, like i'm from Saturn. Only during the last 5 years have I felt this way...the reasons are clear and many. I'm REALLY struggling not to say something like "I can't fucking WAIT until FUCKING Christmas is FUCKING over!"

A Christmas tradition..Darlene Love on Letterman

She sings her classic "Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)," and it is JUST bloody fantastic...year after year after year. Is it odd that that's a yearly Christmas highlight for me? Bravo, Darlene!

Happy Hour in Park Slope

Twas 3 evenings before Christmas,
and I wasn't in a house.
Instead I sat in a Park Slope bar,
devoid of a spouse.

Winter's officially here!!

The old man blew into town at 7:22pm. Did you feel it? I celebrated with a turkey Hungry Man.

Mischa Barton was in Hoboken!?!

At Maxwell's...to support her boyfriend's band, Whitestarr. Drinking a Corona. These fascinating facts are gleaned from Page Six. Most celeb things make my eyes roll...but I admit I'm fascinated when they show up in MY neighborhood...just having a night out at a joint I'D be in. Miss O.C. in the BOKEN! This definitely is one of my less relevant entries.

I went jogging tonight

Yeah, I can't believe it, either. Jumproped, too. YAY for exercise!

The plight of Miss USA...WHO THE FUCK CARES?!?!?!?!

And the insipid media strikes again. There is not a single THREAD of this "story" that REMOTELY has value. So it's a given that the media are again a crop of morons for salivating over this. But does the spoonfed public now actually care, too? If so, you're a fucking idiot. Stay away from me. **OK, BREAKING NEWS...AS I write this, my RAGE has actually DOUBLED...THIS is the TOP STORY ON THE NOON NEWS!?!?!??!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?! OH, MY FUCKING GOD, I CANNOT FUCKING BELIEVE THIS!! INSANITY!! THIS IS BEYOND A NEW LOW...AN ABSOLUTE DISGRACE FOR THE MEDIA. This absolutely necessitates a profanity-laden email or two to local news stations. Oh, look, here's story #2...the less important one...the first beams going up at Ground Zero...

RODRIGO Y GABRIELA

This is an ASTONISHING guitar-playing duo who were on Letterman tonight. Many clearly know of them already, but many clearly don't; I didn't until an hour ago. Now i'm using my blog to spread the good word! Google them, investigate them, buy their music. It's quite a story and they're beyond talented. God, I LOVE being exposed to new things!

The last normal Sunday of 2006

It's Christmas Eve next week, New Year's Eve in 2 weeks. It won't be a lazy Sunday again until 2007. Christ, how can it be almost 2007?! Wasn't Reagan just in office? Anyway, i'm sitting here oddly transfixed by POINT BREAK...well, not that odd, I guess...CA locations and good action scenes. Took a long while for me to get going today...was just flat out tired. But eventually, wild productivity took hold, and many "career things" were perused and sorted through. Riveted to the TV for the "Mount Hood Search"...3 climbers missing more than a week. Well, one's been found dead, the other 2 still missing. Listen, I don't mean to sound harsh...but why the fuck are you hiking Oregon's tallest mountain in mid-December? How about, oh, mid July? You know, when it's not zero degrees and a blizzard. Then there's the issue of all the other people now risking THEIR lives to rescue YOU. I'm just not in the media-spawned "awwwwwww, isn't that a shame?" camp on this matter. This isn't a natural disaster...these 3 men CHOSE to put themselves in this situation. And now the entire country is supposed to be riveted to the search for THREE men? Hmm, though I did say I WAS riveted...but only because it was the only thing ON the news networks all day. I'm well aware, at least, of the media's blowing this totally out of proportion, complete with demonstrations on how to build a snow cave. Yes, i'll make use of that in Hoboken next time there's a blizzard. For Gary, though, a good Sunday. Thank you, Lord, for this day.

A VERY geographically-specific rant: Passaic Ave/River Road, Kearny/NA/Lyndhurst, NJ

Not ONCE...ever...EVER am I on this MOTHERFUCKING stretch of road -- from Bergen Avenue to Route 3 -- and not behind an unspeakably infuriating, absolutely mystifyingly slow-moving CUNTRAG of a human being. Often enough, it's a cavalcade of dipshits. More often, though, it's ONE SOLITARY FUCKING MOPE in front of me for MY ENTIRE TRIP...noooooooooooo other cars in front of them for about 27 car lengths. I can say with authority that I think it is on this road that i've been closest to SNAPPING -- flooring the gas pedal and slamming into the car in front of me, DESPERATELY struggling to ram it off the road and into either a large tree or the Passaic River. I tailgate and high-beam these pricks with zero sympathy. I think the thing that grates most is that, sans dopey fuckwads, this is a fantastically long stretch of road without many stoplights. Getting between Points A & B should be lightning quick.

Surely people reading this think I have MAJOR issues. Well, yes, I DO...the ongoing idiocy of my fellow man, in this case fucking idiots who can't drive a fucking car at the proper speed. The speed limit (not that I buy speed limits, but one argument at a time) is 40mph on a hefty chunk of this road...and I frequently am behind people going 25mph. WHY, WHY, WHY?!?!??!?!?!?!?! WHY must I constantly be ENRAGED?!?! Driving a car is so BLOODY easy to do. Honest to fucking God, I should open a driving school. OK, now I feel better.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

That's just kind of how I feel after an UNGODLY solitary, tedious, exasperating week. Yet it was wildly productive. But I feel like shooting myself. I actually almost feel like crying. I'm just SO sick of everything. I wanted a space ship to land as I smoked my cigar and kidnap me for a bit, then drop me in Los Angeles in a new house, with a new job, and a new car, and new friends when they were done probing me. I just canNOT express the tedium I've gone through this week. I have soooooooooo much clutter...things to read, file, organize, store away, tend to, gain inspiration from. My life's a fucking mess as it is in the Big Picture...and i'm the type of person who REALLY flips out with chaos around me...and i'm SICK of it. It's funny i'm bitching, considering the incredible amount of shit i've gotten rid of this week. But i'm NEVER patient, and now that i'm finally on this roll, I just want it ALL over with. NOW!!!!! I should end this blog...I don't need a panic attack at 3am. Perhaps I'll do yoga, then open my SIMPSONS book to calm me down before bed.

1:30am front porch cigar break

Ah, it was just what I needed...on a sparkling clear, yet rain shower-fresh, unseasonably mild 45-degree night. I sat on the front porch on the bench, smoking the rest of my Macanudo, staring up at the Big Dipper, looking at the lights of NYC, thinking about college (as cigars always make me do), wishing my friends lived nearby. It was relaxing, wonderful, yet...as usual...a tad melancholy.

2:52AM

Email just sent. Always a tad anxious sending Big Emails...well, the same effect as dropping a Big Letter into the mailbox. That "send" button is extra dangerous, though. But also, CATHARTIC. Time for bed on this foggy, mild night.

Public urination

I'm sure i've talked about this before...how I increasingly find it a delightful challenge to find places outside I can piss. When there's not a stress-free bathroom in sight, that is. It's not like I leave my apartment to piss behind a car. NYC's always a great place to play this game. And it is indeed EXTRA fun to do this during daylight hours...as I did last month in North Wildwood, NJ. But I found another old email gem from 2 years ago that sparked this blog...

SUBJECT LINE: "problem bladder"

BODY: "It's truly an annoyance unlike few others. Well, ok, like MANY others. I'm becoming increasingly adept at urinating in public...particularly at night. Example...last week, I stood on the wraparound ledge of this very library about 730pm and pissed into a bush, the ledge blocking my nether region from the view of houses and highway traffic. Refreshed, I walked inside for internet play..."

**Now, some may ask, "um, Gary, doesn't the library have a bathroom?" Of course they do. But it's one of those ones where you have to ask the fucking front desk person for a key, and THEN the bathroom's RIGHT there in front of them, and you (well, I) feel like every plop of piss emanating from my cock is being heard and monitored. So fucking agitating. It's just SO much easier to go outside on the ledge. I mean, no flushing!

Truncating

I am weary. WEIRD use of this week so far...yet utterly necessary and crucial to my sanity. And i'm IN THE ZONE for it, too, which is essential. But absolutely wearying. It's not in my true nature to SIT STILL for so long, tending to excruciating minutae. But when i'm in that zone! Damn, I love truncating...PARING DOWN. OOOOOOOO, I like that. Paring down. Perfect. A valuable use of time...I am more and more obsessed with that idea. Paring down in and of itself is valuable...and allows FUTURE time to be so.

R.I.P. Peter Boyle

Another shocking, sad loss. At least it's "just" a celebrity and not anyone close to me. He'll be missed.

3 MONTHS!!

Like sands through the hourglass...

Oprah's trained seals

I've long said to a few select people that a collection of my emails would make a fine coffee table holiday gift. And while mine are fucking hilarious (yes, i'm confident), I get equal pleasure from others' delicious rants and musings. The more absurd the subject, the better. I even have a folder FULL of emails between myself and a wonderfully smart, impatient, easily (and rightfully) infuriated friend. Today, while truncating my ridiculously bloated hotmail account, I came across several gems. Here's one, copy and pasted, word for original word from December 2004:

SUBJECT LINE: "I think I could watch..."

BODY OF EMAIL: "a compilation hour solely of the opening moments of Oprah, where camera shot after camera shot is of these stupid, fucking, fawning cunts in the audience screaming and jumping as if Jesus Christ just walked on water in front of them. I yearn to kick each and every one of them in the teeth. Happy Holidays!!"

Revisiting '97 & '98

Been pondering these 2 years...via music, photos, MYSPACE. A few reasons. The Clinton Era. Pre-September 11th. God, I love MySpace. The internet as a whole is just ENDlessly fascinating to me...namely in bringing people BACK into my life. They were good years, '97 and '98...though it makes NO sense to me how it's almost 10 years ago. 1998 in particular seems pivotal to me. I like reflecting, learning lessons, seeing your trajectory. Music and diaries are GREAT in how they both TOTALLY bring you back to specific moments in time. Photos to a certain degree, too, but less so, if only slightly. Well, depends on the photo. In my case, it's at once both pathetic and wildly inspiring to stand Gary '97 and Gary '06 side by side. I'm very competitive...with MYSELF. Ultimately, though, it's all about the hope of the present, a feeling I hope never goes away. Today has wound up a damn good day, despite mounting daily worries. That fucking ticking clock...

Our soldiers need SILLY STRING!!

Soldiers use it to detect tripwires, which set off explosives...a constant killer. Marcelle Shriver, a soldier's mother from NJ, is collecting cans of Silly String to send to Iraq. You can send them to St. Luke's Catholic Church, 55 Warwick Road, Stratford, NJ, 08084. A $2 can of this stupid kids' crap can actually aid in saving soldiers' lives...pretty remarkable. I'll be buying mine tomorrow. Won't you do the same?

Happy birthday, Precious Baby Furball!!!!!

Awwww, my Puppy Power would've been 21 today. AWWWWW. I still miss my little Cujo bitch so much. Sweet, sweet Cujo bitch. Oh, her birthday celebrations are legendary...we'd strap a hat on her precious doggy head and sit her at the kitchen table, her puppy paws on the table, with a cupcake or something in front of her, with a lit candle in it. Then we'd sing to her. FUCKING riot. Yes, this is likely another in the long line of things that traumatized Baby Precious, but it certainly was cute and amusing as all hell, as well as supplying us with classic photos. So, I salute you, Baby Furball! We just removed the carpet you spent so many years soiling...and we'll yet find a permanent resting place for your ashes besides the plastic bag under the china closet. Both your brothers agree we should have stuffed your head and mounted you on the living room wall, mouth open, fangs glaring. I LOVE YOU, MY FURRY BABY PRECIOUS!! Happy birthday!

"BABE"

BABE is perhaps the very worst offender when it comes to nauseating terms of endearment that idiots use in public. SNL just had a skit where the complete tool of a man constantly calls his girlfriend BABE...this gives me the tiniest sliver of hope that I'm not the only one vastly irritated by this word...that i'm NOT yet again alone in my RAGE!! Fuck off, babe!

Gwen's WIND IT UP

This song blows. It's so utterly beneath her. Completely idiotic. Most to the point, it's not even a SONG...it's just...I don't even know...kind of like everything Fucking Black Eyed Pea Fergie puts out. Mark my words...Fergie will NOT be relevant in 5 years. I hope she's banking her pennies. But back to Gwen...it's just so disappointing. I've become such a fan. I used to hate her in the early No Doubt days...I still loathe DON'T SPEAK. But i've come to dig her knack for pop and style. Actually, if you watch the WIND IT UP video on MUTE, she's as dazzling as ever. It's a totally eye-catching video. It's just the song that sucks. I PRAY the follow-up singles are far better than this miserable mess of a first single from a follow-up solo album that SHOULD have had a KICKASS first punch. Get all that?

SHE contacts me!

Via email. TEN years later. What to do?!

Puttin' the shit up

Today was the day...ho, ho, ho!! And I even spent extra time putting lights in the windows for the first time. Nifty! So now everything's hung with care and the season has officially begun pour moi...

Hi-ho, the merrio, to DOWN THE HATCH we go!

Last night was one of those nights I could write an epic about...but won't, because of the usual -- i'm tired AND have far too much on my mind. I'm pissed I missed writing yesterday...I vowed I'd blog daily in December. In short, I hung out with a friend I have not seen in 15 YEARS. More than that, actually. It's just staggering...as is the fact of how relatively easy it was to spend time with him. Less awkward than surreal...on countless levels, the biggest one of which I don't even wanna talk about. Maybe I will at some point, but not now. It's one of those Blog Moments where it's something Really Deep and potentially worthwhile for others to hear, but at the same time, too personal. It was sort of a conversation I'd imagined having for more than 18 years...and there I was, suddenly having it, as I walked down a West Village street. Damn. It's almost TOO big. Very LIFETIME movie of the week, isn't this? Oh, so after a couple drinks in The Hometown (!?!), we randomly hit the city...Bleecker Bob's and then Down The Hatch for $2.50 pints of Sam Adams. YAY! I could write paragraphs solely on DOWN THE HATCH. I picked it for nostalgia's sake. Glad I did, even though the entire time I was there, I felt like I was staring at the Ghosts of Gary and His Friends Past. Same smell, same set-up, same decibal level, same bouncer-just-inside-the-door...except now, he felt no need to card me. WAAAHHHH...do I really look older than 21?! So that's that...a very brief summary of my fantastic Wednesday night out with a friend I've now known for 20 years...yet haven't seen in more than fifteen. *He also made me realize yet again my fondness for NYC.

"Jesus FUCKING Christ!"

I think this is my favorite combo-curse phrase. I truly can't say it enough.

Parsippany, NJ

A lovely town.

Waiting on SNOW!!

The first flakes of the season are due overnight and tomorrow morning. WILL it be enough to stick to the grassy surfaces?!?! This is the burning cliffhanging question of this delightful first Sunday of December...a day on which the Jets won, the Giants lost, and Gary spent 24 cents on Right Guard deodorant!!

Christmas party #1...and #2...

Hit TWO Christmas fests last night, the first at 7:30, the second at 2am. Many beers were had, along with a 2:30am shot of paint thinner...or at least that's what it tasted like. I was bloated by 8:30pm with all the WHORE-derves...and yet I kept inhaling. Saw cool people I haven't seen in a year or so, and later, hung with the baby bro "on guitar." Fun times. And the HO, HO, HOing begins...SUPER early...

Mariah's "ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS YOU"

As I write this, I remain staggered by the truth of what i'm about to write. But it's true...this song is a Christmas favorite of mine. It has become...gasp...a standard.

I get giddy when I hear the intro coming on, particularly in a car when i'm alone, which allows for maximum volume and maximum screeching. My favorite part of the song is at the end -- DA, NA, DA, NA, DA, NA..."YOUUUUUUUUU," Mariah squeals repeatedly, in a range that my dead dog can hear. The video plays in my mind as the song goes along...Mariah dressed as a saucy Mrs. Claus, frolicking in the snow. I like to imagine i'm IN the video, recreating the orgasmic wintry joy Mariah exudes, but with my own friends...or simply, alone; I can dance, frolic, and inspire solo, dammit.

It's all so odd. I'm not a big Mariah fan. I don't yearn for Christmas standards. And with such a GLUT of holiday recorded idiocy each year (Ali Lohan, anyone?), the idea that a BRAND NEW SONG could emerge from the pack to rival decades-long chestnuts is simply astonishing. But Mariah's done it, I tell you. Bing Crosby, she ain't...but ALL I WANT FOR XMAS IS YOU is still a MOST worthy aural addition to each holiday season.

Tornado Watch? 70? Welcome to December!

December came in like its romantic partner, May. It was 70 degrees, dew points were in the 60s (!), southerly winds were whipping in the 40mph range, lightning flashed, thunder rumbled, and a tornado watch -- A TORNADO WATCH!?! -- was issued. Insanity! I can't forget to mention how last night at 2am, I sat on my front porch in a wife beater...and wasn't remotely cold. Lows last night were in the lower 60s. Yes, nutty weather fascinates me. It's been a long, but ultimately GOOD, day. I look forward to the festive delights of the final month of 2006!