And August slips away...

...as I prep for an epic road trip to our nation's heartland!! I canNOT get "on the road" fast enough. Christ, I really should go to bed, though....12:37am and I need to be up at like 6am. That's the bad part. If it were up to ME, we'd leave 10ish. This promises to be something to remember. Adios, August...you weren't nearly as great as I'd hoped, but you had your moments. And the summer IS going out on a high note with this road trip. Then there's all my plans for extending summer throughout September!!

My email to The NY Post's Page Six column

It pains me to waste precious moments of my life defending that no-talent whore Paris Hilton, but my issue is more with MULTIPLE inaccuracies in today's lead Page Six story about Hilton's Billboard chart positions. The article completely distorts the truth with both wrong facts and suggestive wording. First of all, while 75,000 copies in its first week certainly isn't Eminem-level, it's still disturbingly good for a vapid, dirty whore with no previous musical pursuits...and enough for a Top 10 debut. To compare it to last week's debut from Christina Aguilera is ridiculous...apples and oranges. One's a music superstar vet, the other's a dumb slut whose name we only know because gossip columns like yours inexplicably thrust her down our throats. Secondly, you then say her album is "languishing at the bottom of Billboard's Hot 100." Well, it's gonna debut at like #6...hardly the bottom of any chart. And it's the ALBUM chart it'll be on...NOT the Hot 100. The Hot 100 is the SINGLES chart. Lastly, you say second single "Turn It Up" isn't doing well, either. Moving past separate issues with the word "either," it's actually not even RELEASED yet beyond the dance clubs...where's it's actually racing toward #1...a prized position first single "Stars Are Blind" also found itself in. Again, I hate Paris Hilton. Have I made that clear? But I hate blatant, totally unnecessary printed untruths even more...particularly in a NYC paper. It pisses me off. Anyone in the music biz with half a brain surely found the article equally laughable. A little fact-checking would make you a hell of a lot more credible. As it stands now, i'll be taking what I read in Page Six with even more of a grain of salt than I used to.

Craigslist job posting #2 that I've cut and pasted for your amusement

Can you IMAGINE me doing this?

Read the NYTimes Aloud
Reply to: job-200545175@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-08-29, 4:48PM EDT
My mother (in her 80s) lost her sight, and desperately misses the Times in the morning. I'm looking for someone to spend an hour or so each weekday reading her the parts she's interested in. No other chores involved . . . just the Times. Hard to know what to look for on a resume for this sort of thing . . . just be nice and patient and read well. Time of day is flexible. I look forward to hearing from you.
Job location is 50s/1st
Compensation: $15/hour -- 5-7 hours/week
This is a part-time job.

Um, ice cream sandwiches are YUMMY!

I just thought of that off the top of my head because the reality is 1) i'm too busy to write now, 2) I have too many thoughts in my head to settle on just one magic topic. All week long, i've been nearing the finish line of my YEARS-long organizing/streamlining project. It's surreal to FINALLY have this kind of order in my life...though I'm not QUITE there yet. Also, the actual "finish line" is going to take a LONG time to cross. Can I be more vague? Point is, it's impossible for me to explain the excruciating detail of all that I need to weed through...but I'm doing it...and i'm weary beyond belief, but also ungodly satisfied. And it's fascinating to review as i'm doing it. I came upon, for instance, pay stubs from a decade ago today...i'm re-realizing MANY things, including work-related ones. CLARIFYING is the word!! Oh, and do I love things clarified! It's nearing 3am and I'm gonna need to hit the sack soon...this is the latest i've been up in DAYS! Blue Bunny ice cream sandwiches, though...they WERE good...a summer delight!

Two weeks till Labor Day!!?!

I see I haven't written in 6 days...the longest since I started my blog. And yet, i've written in my "old school" diary a bit. What the fuck's been up? Oh, I don't know. Not much. Family party on Saturday was a damn good time...full of family tree printouts and stories of generations ago...as I filled up on beer after beer, chip after chip, fruit after fruit. Left the fest completely bloated...and fairly lubricated. I was rather lubricated on Friday as well...on white wine, which I ONLY have on The Special Back Porch. So two nights in a row, i'm drinking heavily in the early evening. And two nights in a row, I was sleepy rather early. And today was the 4TH day in a row that I got up ungodly early by my own free will. Completely pointless and uninteresting to most reading this, but to me, pivotal shifts in the layout of my days...thus, RIVETING!! OK, i'm being a tad facetious saying that, but only a tad. What else? Hmm. See, it's only 11:50pm and i'm sleepy already. OH! On Thursday, I went on a MASSIVE BROOKLYN BIKE RIDE...over the Manhattan Bridge for the first time, after investigating Chinatown's outer reaches, then to Park Slope for a bit. Then something rare happened...I got lost. Not badly...but briefly just couldn't figure out where I was as I tried to get from the Slope to Williamsburg. I later gathered I was on the edge of Bed-Stuy. I sped down Bedford Ave for miles. It was great! I ended the day by going back over the Williamsburg Bridge after watchin the sun set over the East River on delightfully desolate, cobblestoned blocks. Yeah, it was a great day! And now it's Monday, 2 weeks left until summer unofficially ends. Yes, I'm trying to wring the best out of this summer yet. I won't stop until I see snowflakes. Christ, I think i'll be in bed by 2am tonight...though the last few nights, i've fallen asleep on the couch. Do you care? No. My legs are stronger than ever, by the way...

Kate Hudson: Stupid cunt

I don't know that I've ever been more pleased with the report of a divorce, celebrity or not, than Miss Ungodly Overrated's parting with The Black Crowe. This stupid bitch has grated on my nerves since day one back in 2000 when all our insipid entertainment magazines annointed her The It Girl for absolutely no reason. Let me tell you something...ALMOST FAMOUS is one of the most overrated films of the past 20 years. I nearly fell asleep watching it. And Hudson's character was beyond annoying. Oscar worthy?! Thank GOD she lost. I HATED that movie! She's NOT that good an actress, she's NOT that incredibly hot, she's NOT remotely interesting. She's famous because she's a passably pretty blonde...who happens to be Goldie Hawn's daughter. Period. Regarding her marriage, she got hitched at 21. TWENTY-FUCKING-ONE!?! Here's the thing...on my laundry list of issues regarding marriage (and forgive me if I've gone off on this before -- it's impossible for me to keep track of ALL my thoughts), right up there near the top is this condescending attitude people seem to have that they've somehow reached this higher plane of maturity just because they've said "I DO." They're "over" being young and fun-loving. They've "been there, done that" because they're JUST so fucking mature and world-weary. **There's a side rant here against entire generations before mine who ROUTINELY married super young...my parents, grandparents, and so on...and how it worked for THEM, blah, blah, blah. Right. It worked for them because those generations uniformly didn't question The Way It Was. They did what was expected, and generally held firm to the "till death do you part" bullshit. Oh, but that's a side rant. Back to Kate. So yeah, I just love how she was ready at 21 to be married till death do her part. What a fucking moron. And now she'll do interviews where she'll say how she was too immature to be married so young...which will, again, have everyone saying how MATURE she is to have come to such a wise realization. It's an endless cycle of aggravation for me. Summing up, she's a stupid cunt. HAHA! And no, i'm not a rage-filled, miserable human. I swear. I just hate stupidity...especially when it affects me. And the overall "I'M married and have achieved all that is right and proper for my age group...what are YOU doing, Gary?" bullshit affects ME. God, i'm in SUCH a good mood!

Running the bases, rippin' the juniper branch off...

Today was beyond refreshingly different, an ungodly welcome change from the stifling monotony of my life. I hope it's a sign of things to come. I am soooooooooo fucking tired of everything...even though I'm in a pretty good general mood and HAVE been steadily whittling the SHIT in my life down. Hmm, this blog needs a jumpkick, too. Or does it? HOW much energy do I want to invest in a blog? Another thing to ponder in the still of the night. In a nutshell...I went to the meadows today for the 2nd time this summer. But before I went on any nature trails, I whipped the bike out of the car and went riding down the truck-heavy meadow road...and then around the baseball field. And I sat on a bench, alone in the meadows except for a man and his dog, on a glorious August Monday, taking in the summer air. And then I ran the bases for the fuck of it, making sure I was still alone first, so as not to look like a fool. Something very American about a baseball field. Very apple pie. And then it was back to the trails...and I noticed the smell of juniper! Juniper...one of my fave Bath & Body Works soaps! How AWESOME to actually have the REAL thing in my bathroom, I thought to myself! And so, toward the end of my hiking, I discreetly yanked a small branch full of berries off the trees, stuffing it into my bag. It now sits in my bathroom, FILLING the air with this marshy, beachy wonder of a smell! To top things off, I made my way to Barnes & Noble for the first time in months to seek out Dan's article in a certain national magazine. Surreal. Bravo to him, though. Again, he inspires me. A thoroughly satisfying day. And a late-night bike ride home. Oh, and a tan! Well, burn. The point is, the week actually started with a much-needed change of pace...and a lot of thinking. The Big Blackout was 3 years ago tonight, by the way...that classic, hot summer night. I have 3 weeks till Labor Day to have MORE classic summer nights...

The jobs (and more to the point, PEOPLE) you find on Craigslist...

I DO have "what it takes," so maybe I SHOULDN'T dismiss it? I'm curious, though, how the stage play would be, pardon the pun, fleshed out...

MALE TOE WIGGLING VIDEO
Reply to: gigs-193248798@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-08-12, 11:44AM EDT
Hey guys how many of you out there have extremely long toes and feet that can wiggle them very fast and do all kinds of cool things with your feet?? If this is you send a picture include a pic of your toes and feet if possible you will be paid 75.00 cash for up to 45 mins on video doing toe tricks and creative foot work!! SHOW US WHAT YOU HAVE!!! THIS VIDEO IS A DOCUMENTARY AND WILL BE USED TO GO WITH A STAGE PLAY BEING CREATED FOR THE LATE FALL. Send pics of face and feet to photo8258@aol.com or send a bio and tell me about your foot talents and if we can meet over the weekend to discuss.

Radical Islam...the root of all evil. And can we PLEASE just wipe Pakistan off the map?

If you don't agree with me, you're a fucking idiot. And maybe even need to be shot.

You can look back, but it's best not to stare

Perfectly sums up how I feel today...and lately, in general. Hell, in all of life. But those words aren't mine...though i'll adopt them for myself from now on. They're Tom Petty's words. And most of the poetic phrases I use in this entry are from a STAR-LEDGER review, written by Bradley Bambarger, of Petty's new album that I've been meaning to write about. Today just seems like the day to do it. I read this review while lounging on a Hoboken waterfront park bench at dusk last week. I was so struck by what both Petty and Bambarger had to say about, basically, THE PASSAGE OF TIME. How time is both villain and equalizer. How fresh starts can seem elusive, but they are a person's only hope...even one who's middle-aged like Petty. How the past has an aimless pull and we're all haunted by things in the rearview mirror. But here's the thing. I repeat, HERE'S THE THING...REGRET AND EVEN NOSTALGIA CAN BE SIREN SONGS. Petty is an optimist against all odds, and I feel I'm the same way...despite my eye-rolling, viciously sarcastic, often against-the-grain worldview. No, i'm NOT angry and bitter. I'm a SUNNY OPTIMIST! And so, getting bogged down in the way things used to be gets one nowhere. Change can suck. Aging can suck. Death, um, sucks. But you're only 25 for 365 days...unless it's leap year. Soon you're 30...and so on. And life goes on. And priorities change. And that's as it should be. Christ, I could get specific and go off on 83 tangents. I'm just trying to say that reflecting on the past and how you got to NOW is perfectly fine...just don't STARE. Because someday you'll be nostalgic for NOW. And the past is always rosier in hindsight anyway. If you're smart, you'll retain the essence of who you were at 25 and layer it gracefully with the wisdom of the years. And remain vital, hungry, interested, curious...and for the love of God, do your best to keep your looks. I beg of you. Class dismissed! Now go out there and make TODAY something to yearn for 10 years down the road...

AMY SEDARIS

This woman rules. I know i've touted her before, but she deserves her own title sentence. Just unendingly entertaining. I need to befriend her.

Doritos FIERY HABANERO chips...OUCH!

I saw these new fiery fuckers in ShopRite the other night...was intrigued...yet moved along because I didn't have excess cash. But then I did. So I bought them. Here's the colorful, and mildly sexual, description on the bag..."Experience that BALLISTIC Doritos crunch as it IGNITES a nuclear explosion of habanero, jalapeno, and chipotle peppers in your mouth!" Oh, boy!! Now I do like spicy foods. But this IS almost too much. Almost. My nose kinda starts running, my eyes get mildly misty, my mouth yearns for instant liquid relief...yet I keep eating this 13 oz. bag of EXPLOSIVE Doritos. For once, the advertising hyperbole is actually true.

Fucking ARMY commercials

It's 4am on a delightfully breezy, balmy Sunday night. It'll say I wrote this on Monday, but anything after 3am eastern time is noted as the next day. Anyway, these fucking Army commercials are grating on my last nerve. They're so fucking queer. Queer is the first word that comes to mind. They remind me of the way I felt about anything military as a kid...fucking queer. All that ATTENTION!...YES, SIR, YES, SIR!!, WE'LL MAKE YOU A REAL MAN bullshit. Shut the fuck up! I don't need to wake at fucking dawn, crawl through the dirt, stand ramrod straight, scream YES, SIR, I AM A FUCKING PUSSY, SIR! at my sergeant's face, and go risk my life fighting questionable wars to be a real man. But this is too big a subject to tackle fully at 4am when I'm desperate to just sit and watch THREE'S COMPANY while shoving poundcake down my throat. Let me quickly be clear about a couple things...1) my own father was in the Army, and I certainly respect anyone who's risking their life for my freedom; 2) this isn't a tirade against the current "war," whatever that exactly is. Again, this is too big to get into, but let's just say I've got mixed feelings on our current war efforts. This is merely about the QUEER COMMERCIALS where one kid tells his dad over and over "it's the Army" in response to his dad's wondering if it's the right thing to do, and another kid tells his mom "it's time to be man." And join the Army, of course. It's just all so goddamn dramatic, what i'd call a "Cosby Show" scenario. "Cosby Show Scenario" is my way of describing any kind of eye-rolling "we have to have a serious talk" situation. I can't for the life of me imagine EVER saying to my parents, unsarcastically, devoid of humor, "It's time to be a man." WHO the fuck says that in a real life conversation?! And do women stand up defiantly and announce to their loved ones, "I need to be a woman now!" before running off to Fort Dix? So this rant is against both the Army recruitment program and all advertising, which increasingly drives me up a wall. It's all such bullshit.

There's somethin' 'bout da ghetto...

BOYZ 'N THE HOOD is on my TV now...stumbled across it as it began. People always ask me what some of my fave movies are...well, this is one of them. It is so UNbelievably grim and disturbing. And let's talk about "a sense of place," shall we? I LOVE movies with a sense of place...a specific place, specific period of time, whatever. Even better if it's filmed on location. And BOYZ is early 90s Los Angeles...and filmed there...and it's just so great. You feel like you're THERE. Naturally, with my fascination with LA now, it's even more interesting to analyze the locations. And I love the inner city. There's something very dangerously appealing to me about getting as close to it as I can...without getting shot and killed. Is that odd? I just can't even fathom those conditions day-to-day...always the prospect of gunfire and death. Bars on windows. Drug dealers. Whores. Burned out buildings. Just across the board despair. And it's fascinating to me. I also love BOYZ because it came out the summer before I entered college and was one of the first movies I saw at my college theater...vividly reminds me of being eighteen. It's just a great movie...well-acted, a great story, a clear representation of a certain time and place. Now excuse me as I take in 1991 LA...

5 weekends of summer left!?!

We're into the FINAL THIRD! Fifteen "official" summer weekends...tonight starts the 11th. Are ya READY?!?! i'm ready! Fifth night in a row that I went for a delightful Hoboken bike ride, along with gazing at the NYC skyline on a bench. No, nothing wild. But nice. And it is WONDERFUL out now...low humidity, 77 degrees...the heat wave is OVER! I wanna sleep outside, it's so nice. I'm also happy to report that 1) I lifted weights a bit today and 2) at 145am, i'm not tired...for the first time in days.

I'm bored to death...yet haven't the will to move

How can that be? I've BEEN bored for hours...yet continue to do barely anything. Sure, I went bike-riding/bench sitting for 2 hours, but that seems like a blip on the radar of my day. Does that make sense? Who cares. I wasn't tired today. I wasn't even that hot. And yet...I feel like i've done nothing. Ugh. MUST be tied to the heat somehow...3 days in a row it's gotten to 100 at Newark. Last night, too...though I was tired a bit then...I didn't even write a blog, I was so anxious to get out of the heat and into my icy bedroom. Anyway. I'm just trying to figure out how I KNEW I was bored...and wasn't tired and hot...yet still continued to sit online and DO nothing else. It's the evil internet, that's what it is. It was invented for me...mountains of information at my fingertips. I still blame it on the heat, though. I'm not ALWAYS so unproductive. In fact, rarely. It is only midnight, though, lol...I could pull something out of my ass yet. Not literally. Well, this could be the most pointless blog yet in terms of interest to anyone but ME. Have I mentioned how stunned I am that it's August?

OK, it's FUCKING HOT!

It's 12:10am and still 89 degrees. !!! It hit 100 in Newark, 95 at Central Park. Tomorrow promises to be even hotter. It's FUCKING hot. I'm logging off soon, ungodly early, because I just canNOT stand to sit in this living room much longer. I'm dripping in sweat, sitting here shirtless...a fetching vision, no? It'll be off to my icebox of a bedroom!! YAY! Seriously, I think I'd have a breakdown of some kind if I didn't put that AC in. I can't even comprehend sleeping in this with just a fan...even though I've done it before...barely. This is about as extreme as it gets around here. Anyway, more bike riding and bench sitting along the water tonight. This after an unplanned wine/dinner/bullshit fest with Bern...and somehow taking the car home again. Yes, besides sweating like a fucking donkey in Texas mud, August has indeed started well. I have big plans for you, August...

AUGUST!! It's my month, you know...

Yet another AUGUST 1 has arrived, where I yet again stand stunned that the pages of the calendar have flipped so fast. Every year, it goes faster. Honestly. Was it NOT just Memorial Day? Well, the good thing is that August is one of my favorite months of the year. Maybe partly BECAUSE I always try to cram in so much "summer fun" into the final official month of summer. The best analogy, though, is the vacation one. Anyone with a brain knows that you don't REALLY get into a vacation frame of mind until the 2nd, or if you're very lucky, the 3rd week of being off. It's the same with summer. You're finally used to summer now. In August, you're finally really chilling out, enjoying the outdoors. Flip-flops have become your standard casual footwear...well, mine at least. Along with the white wife-beater. It's lazy dog days with a capital, bold-faced L. Oh, yeah, and the ocean temps are finally really warm. Then there's the actual weather. It's the hottest day of the year today...just about 100. I'll have full statistics later. You get my point...the Pattern of Summering finally becomes routine by August...and I love it. And I seriously, without even trying, have a history of classic summer events happen to me in August. I prefer saving vacations until August. I NEVER got people who regularly vacationed in, say, June. Nothing to look forward to. And i'm not the only one...Congress' recess is in August, and Europe basically shuts down in August. Those Europeans know how to live. And so, it begins...AUGUST!! I'm excited!! By the way, the current heat index in Newark is 112...