Obama in the highest

I am sick to death of hearing how Obama's the Voice of Change, the shining light of a New Direction in Washington, how he'll cure cancer and make water into wine. And NOW, how he's The New JFK. UGH. Listen, you wide-eyed, eager, idealistic little college students...you're a bunch of morons. Oh, now i'm just being an ass, especially as I felt the same way about Bubba back in '92. I still can't hear Fleetwood Mac's DON'T STOP THINKING ABOUT TOMORROW without an awkward, dancing Chelsea coming to mind. I hate being so cynical...well, again, I actually think i'm an optimist...so I'd change cynical to realist. And this realist thinks that Obama's a very bright, capable person who could very well make a fine president. But he's not God. And all the OH, MY FUCKING GOD, HE'S GONNA CHANGE THE WORLD AND CHART A NEW COURSE FOR THIS COUNTRY bullshit is wearing on my last fucking nerve. C'mon...we only view JFK as we do because he was shot to death. And any thinking person knows CAMELOT is a fairy tale. Some politicians are more entrenched in The Bullshit than others, to be sure. Oh, it's so complicated. Obama's just irritating me...that sums it up. Maybe i'm just pissed he did coke and now could be president, as I'm ALSO sick to death of druggies advancing to high positions in life. I wish they'd all overdose. Did I just write that?

Semisonic's CLOSING TIME

Still -- almost (sigh) 10 years later -- just an absolute classic of Wistful Melancholy Regret. LOVE it.

So in the FIVE boroughs of NYC, there's ONE funeral home for celebs?

The Frank E. Campbell one on the Upper East Side. REALLY?? This is endlessly irritating to me. And on the topic of, of course, Heath Ledger...1) Pat O'Brien is JUST cringe-inducing awful (i'm surely repeating myself), 2) can ya LEAVE Michelle Williams alone already? I finally know where she lives...thanks to the media vultures. What's funny is I'm SURE I walked right by her and Heath's house at least a couple times on my Brooklyn walks. I'll wait a bit before going back to fully case the building and run my fingers through the cement where daughter "Matilda" is spelled out. Sure, call me weird that way...but I don't think it is. I call it human interest. And I wanted to do it BEFORE Heath died. AND i'll do it as discreetly as possible. I'M not stalking someone whose ex just died...ghoulishly surrounding her house so she can barely step out of her car. It's just SO fucked up. There's so much media that barricades and cops are needed. What is WRONG with people?! It's sickening. By the day, i'm more disgusted with the media. MY media. MY field of expertise. Do I have to "go in there" and singlehandedly change things?! Do I, Lord? Is THAT why i'm here on this earth?

What's a job without a hot catered lunch and an endlessly stocked craft service table?

Honestly, i'm spoiled. How DO you non-showbiz types do it?

Heath Ledger...dead? Huh?

I really don't mean to be glib. It's not a death that remotely personally affects me, and I wasn't a fan...but he seemed like a genuinely likeable, grounded fellow. I didn't HATE him. He didn't IRRITATE me. And that alone counts for a lot. So I guess it's the SHOCK of it that first gets me. There's 50 other celebs I would've expected to die first. It's just so jarring and sudden...the mere loss of another human being...who was so YOUNG and had so much potential. Life snuffed out. It's just disturbing and sad.

It reminds me, too, of how I felt when JFK, Jr. died -- not that it was some stalkerish mission of mine, but i'd always wanted to run into John John, and I felt the same way of Heath. He was one of these celebs always photographed just walking down the street, hanging out in some bar. Sigh...the utter finality of it all.

And what's with it being "accidental"...yet there's pills "strewn" across the bed? Then you hear he had pneumonia. Well, whether you're sick or not, when does anyone scatter an assortment of pills around? Me, I pour one or two into my hand, then put the cap back on. So that KINDA makes me think suicide...but if not, WHY are ya scattering pills around, Heath?! Christ, I'm telling you, if it IS accidental, THIS is why I'm such a freak about medication. I'm surely a candidate for sleeping pills, but I'd be terrified to actually take one.

Such a rich, famous, young, handsome guy...carted out in a black body bag in front of a crowd of gawkers on cellphones in a sea of flashbulbs. THAT'S the image that gets me...realizing again how we're ALL the same in the end. THAT'S what's so sad and resonant about his sudden death. Nobu for dinner one night, zipped in a body bag the next. No matter your station in life, it could all end in an instant.

Thank you, MLK, Jr.

You made my commute today MOST...I wanna use the word CIVIL, but that doesn't truly reflect what I mean...so let's say, simply, EASY. Yes, it was a gloriously EASY commute this morning. Despite the Arctic chill, which I found rather invigorating, actually. It was indeed a rather glorious MLK, Jr. Day. I'm glad the Democratic candidates honored Dr. King with such a civil (there! I used it!) discussion. Hopscotching topics here, I really, REALLY enjoyed tonight's debate. Like, REALLLLLLLLY enjoyed it. Fiery! Combative! Though the pandering to the black community was more than a bit much. I half expected Hillary to walk out in blackface, strumming a banjo, singing SWANEE RIVER.

It PAINS me to thrust ANOTHER Dipshit Entry upon you...

...but I must. I'm sorry. Really, I am. Precious life time is slipping away. But so is my patience. I've just come as close as I have yet to making VERY clear to him that he's the most AGITATING FUCK ON EARTH. In one half-hour's time, he did the following...

1) ABSOLUTELY INEXPLICABLY opening his fucking mouth to tell me to "leave the hot water on" after I was done washing my dish...as he went off to the bathroom. Um, we don't live in a tenement. The hot water comes on instantly. WHY did he tell me that? WHY was I forced to say "OK" in return? And WHY was water then running NEEDLESSLY for a good two minutes while he finished up in the bathroom? DUMB FUCK.

2) He then asked if I was going outside tonight, itching for some reason to bring the kinda-full trash out. He does this often. A VERY curt "NO" was my reply. Flash forward 30 seconds...he then starts "humorously" talking about how "of course, the hall light's out again." Then and there, I almost lunged at him with my fists. If he brings up the waning power of the hall light ONE more time, I'm telling you, I may resort to violence. Is he FUCKING HELEN KELLER?! Yes, it's mildly irritating, but he acts like he can't REMOTELY function in the hall without a light. Last night, he spoke of "fumbling" with his keys in the dark. You stupid, four-eyed, cleft-lipped FUCK...how about you have your key out BEFORE you ascend the staircase...LIKE I DO EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE. No, that'd be THINKING too much for him. That light is about #387 on my list of fucking priorities. He badgered the landlords for a new light already. They, in turn (greatly amusing me), merely GAVE him the new light to install instead of replacing it themselves, saying "it's still working sometimes." He'll probably knock out power to the whole block somehow when he attempts to replace it, given what an overall moron he is. *And, no, it's not a NORMAL lightbulb...it's some circular, weird thing, not to mention being high up...which means...hmm, he COULD maybe slip and fall two stories...

3) The icing on the cake was when I had an oily piece of aluminum foil to throw away...and FUCKNUT DIDN'T REPLACE THE GARBAGE BAG. Then and there, I first slammed the oven door, then rather loudly uttered profanities. Whether he heard this in his room, I don't know...but I didn't care, which is new. *IF YOU TAKE A BAG OUT, FUCKING REPLACE IT. OR DON'T BOTHER BEING "HELPFUL." Because you're NOT.

On top of all of that, he's been on the phone FOUR times and counting. I FUCKING HATE HIM. OK, I feel mildly better now that i've publicly shamed him. Yet again. Dipshit. Yup, that's his name...surely i'll wear it out.

SEX & THE CITY's Miranda...IS me

I'm the male version, I mean. She is ENDLESSLY amusing...which kinda implies that I find MYSELF endlessly amusing, which is kinda impolite and all...though I do believe it's true. She's caustic, smart, impatient, cynical/realistic. Just a fucking riot. This whole episode was especially good...where Miranda and Steve get married and Samantha gets breast cancer. Samantha's way of announcing her diagnosis is also the way I think, GOD forbid, I would. I shouldn't say this in print, but I've always related to this show. Though I think I've said it before. Some of its dialogue can be obvious and groan-inducing, but overall, it's well done -- funny, smart, thoughtful, melancholy. All my favorite things.

"Hillary Clinton is no stranger to black churches."

I can't be the only one who finds this line utterly hilarious? It was Jay DeDapper's lead-off sentence in his report on Hillary's Trip to Harlem. Too, too funny. Testify!

Today's time-saving tip

Upon coming home from shopping, if you've yet to review your receipt, and also REALLY need to piss, combine the two tasks by placing said receipt on the nearest flat surface while you urinate. By the time I was zipping up, I had fully vetted the entire thing. I left the bathroom doubly triumphant.

"Yeah, Ma, I'll be there around 3."

So went yet another seizure-inducing one-sided phonecall I had to endure. Well, Dipshit, it's 3:23pm...so why haven't you even LEFT yet on your hour-long ride back to mommy and daddy and small town NJ? I yearned to come home from ShopRite at 2:15pm to an empty apartment. Alas, I was reduced to exclaiming ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! upon seeing his car still here. There is zero filter left when it comes to my in-public bursts of profanity. I wonder what the neighbors will start to think. And he's being EXTRA irritatingly chatty today, asking me if "it's windy out" and where I'll be "watching the game." Fuckknob, hop in your hooptie and get the fuck out of my sight!

Worried for Britney

I continue to "worry" about her unlike I would for ANY other celeb. I'm not remotely amused by any of it. She has completely changed from who she used to be...this isn't just drugs or alcohol. She's essentially a sweet, talented girl whose life is spiraling out of control for whatever reason and no one seems to give a damn. The SHEER IDIOCY of these grown men running after her in packs, monitoring her every move, flashbulbs constantly going off...THE INSIDER, um, "INSIDE the church where Britney escaped to!" It's a fucking circus unlike any i've ever seen...and NO ONE is stopping to say, "HEY, hold up...what's wrong with you? How can I help? Get the FUCK out of LA! Go be alone and work through whatever's wrong." And where's her FAMILY? Why is NO ONE helping her?! I really fear for her life. Very sad.

I AM the Hero of Hell's Kitchen

OK, so I merely found a guy's car keys on the deli counter in front of me, setting into motion a frantic 3-minute chase scene. But it was fun. And amusing. And Good Deedish. Let me set the scene -- I'm getting change for a $100 bill (!?) at 8:30am, look down and see a set of car keys on the glass storage cabinet thing in front of the register, exclaim to the foreign lady of questionable heritage, "Oh, someone's keys!" She proceeds to get all OH, NOOOOOOOOO on me. I then -- and I can't believe this -- proceed to say "WHAT DID HE LOOK LIKE? I'LL GO AFTER HIM!" Like a fucking superhero! Foreign Register Lady gives a brief description similar to how the TV news will portray a rapist..."HE HAD A GRAY COAT ON AND JUST CROSSED THE STREET!" Armed with that solid info, I whip the door open, momentarily forgetting I have $96 coming back to me, and race out onto a busy NYC street...darting around...running to the curb...desperately craning my neck around buses. People around me stare. "EVERYTHING'S FINE, NO ONE'S BEEN SHOT!" is what I felt like saying. Eh, I wasn't sure who it was, though, and was jolted back to the reality of my waiting money and bought item. Went back inside, admitted defeat...but then Foreign Lady pointed him out across the street, and I offered to bring him his keys. AREN'T I fucking nice? And so I did...and spied the foreign man sans car keys frantically peering in his window and pulling on the door. I raced toward him, held them up, and said "HERE'S YOUR KEYS!" His grateful, Foreign Man smile carried me through my day. "THANK YOU, THANK YOU!" Oh, it's no worry, Gary's here to make New Yorkers' mornings more bearable. I waved goodbye, feeling fantastic for all my vested interest, and walked away...cocksure in my brisk January step...to my next superhero mission.

Billy Bush...FUCKING TOOL EXTRAORDINAIRE

The Newark Star-Ledger's Alan Sepinwall deliciously eviscerated The Tool on Monday. It was the icing on the cake of an already good day. But let's not forget how much I detest Ryan Seacrest, too...and Dipshit...and Katherine Heigl...and GREY'S ANATOMY...and Dipshit...and Dr. Phil...and THE INSIDER...and Dipshit...and Kate Hudson...and...and...

Honestly, just saying "HI" is suuuuuuuch a chore

To Dipshit, that is. That's all I just said, once he regrettably again walked through the door, and it PAINED me more than I express. One word, two letters, one syllable. And it PAINED me. It also meant diverting my attention to look at him for a split second...and those seconds add up, dammit. Please, Lord, take him away...to another place...I mean, another EARTHLY place. I'm NOT suggesting killing him; I merely want him OUT of my fucking life. As I sit here staring at the open living room closet door for the 18,392nd time...a door he's incapable of closing, despite the hundreds of times I've closed it, trying to teach by example...you know, that doors and cabinets and drawers exist to be CLOSED. I should be "funny" and remove anything on a hinge in the apartment one day soon while he's out. Maybe then he'd grasp yet another of my endlessly valid points. Summing up, I hate him. Oh, but you knew that...

Oh, my GOD...the STUPIDITY of my fellow humans! Tonight's example...Bill and Hillary's "racist" comments

I neither have the time or patience to fully discuss this. In short, Bill Clinton said Obama's stance on Hillary's Iraq vote vs. his own was "a fairy tale," while Hillary said President Johnson's role as president was needed to push forward MLK, Jr's civil rights agenda. THE IDIOT MEDIA combined at the same time with the IDIOT PUBLIC then COMPLETELY distorted what Bill and Hillary said, either taking it totally out of context or SIMPLY BEING STUPID, concluding they were being RACIST. Are you FUCKING kidding me?! Sadly, my very stance here will be largely viewed as BIASED because we're in such a RIDICULOUSLY POLARIZED society that can't fucking think straight. But I am 100% right when I say you are a FUCKING IDIOT if you heard these two comments in their full context and think there is ANY story here. Seriously, I CAN'T deal with the stupidity any more. It is EVERYwhere.

Bestowed upon me this past week: a TV job, a dollar bill on Flatbush Avenue, endless found loose change, and a free round-trip Metro North ticket

Quite delightful, no?! I still can't get over the Metro North ticket. When I reached in the thing to retrieve my ticket, receipt, and change...there were TWO tickets and TWO receipts! I felt like I was on Candid Camera. I mean, HOW does one NOT take their ticket?!? It was paid by credit card, I saw...did they somehow pay for 2 and not know it? But even that doesn't make sense...why wouldn't THEY have discovered the two tickets? Did the machine malfunction? MAYBE someone was just PAYING IT FORWARD to me!!!!! I JUST don't know. I stood around a good 5 minutes to see if anyone frantically ran back for it, knowing how INSANE commuting can be, and imagining their sheer exasperation. Then that ticket was MINE, though! I've LOVED the first 13 days of 2008! I PRAY my good luck continues...

That DELICIOUSLY SMUG SMILE I spoke of?

It's plastered across my face. More than I ever could have imagined. I'm thinking that contrarian New Hampshire might REALLY be a good place for me. Allow me to be terribly direct...do NOT write off the Clintons. EVER. They're like cockroaches and Cher. And me, of course. Will you idiots EVER learn? Kudos to John McCain, too, by the way! Jesus, I am just so FUCKING EBULLIENT on so many levels right now! Being right and/or watching mass GROUPTHINK opinion proven so wrong NEVER grows old. This calls for more Baileys...

Working the drawstring through...

An HOUR of my life late last night was spent tediously pushing my pajama pant drawstring through to the other side. I nearly gave up and ripped the whole thing out, but Tenacious G carried on, unwilling to admit defeat. There are FEW things in life more excruciatingly tedious to carry out. Thank God I had FRASIER to calm me through half of my wasted hour. NEVER again will I be so careless to let any drawstring slink into the hole and be lost to me. I rewarded myself by pouring some Baileys -- is it a bad sign that the jug AND companion glass now sit on my nightstand?

Dipshit gets political...and, unbelievably, agitates me in a whole NEW way

As Dipshit hung up his coat in front of me, naturally he had to opine on what the TV was showing -- Hillary Clinton. He HAD to open his whiny fucking mouth. First, he asked if tomorrow was the NH primary. YES, you stupid fuck. He then got "humorous" by saying "well, it looks like tomorrow could be it for Hillary." "I don't know about that," I VERY patiently and succinctly replied, making a point not to look at him, instead pounding on the end of my Pringles can for more crumbs to pour into my hand and lap up like a starving dog. He followed that up by mumbling "I certainly hope so" as he walked into his room, still a stupid ass, smug smile on his face. So he's NOT for Hillary. I guess it seems more and more that I AM. Hmm, AM I? She's certainly smart and capable...and DOES have experience. I'm not ready to endorse a candidate, though I AM irritated by the media, and NOT wildly gung-ho for Obama. Note how I neglect to even mention that a Republican will also be in the picture. But who knows. I just can't stand people who are so anti-Hillary...I guess that's what it boils down to. To me, such a stance speaks volumes about your overall life viewpoint...and it's one that irritates me.

Dr. Phil...INCREDIBLY AWESOME TOOL

This fucking joke of a "shrink" is now embroiled in the Britney mess. Thank CHRIST he's finally getting SOME negative publicity...stupid fucking tool. Yeah, sure, you really CARE about Britney...wanting to parade her life in front of a national TV audience like some fucking circus under the guise of "being concerned" and "helping her." Oprah, I hate you for making this fat fuck -- and his equally agiting FAMILY -- famous. FUCK off, Phil! Fuck the FUCK off!

Few things are more comforting than shoving hot laundry, just out of the dryer, into your face

And you now have a lovely snapshot of how i'm spending MY Monday evening...

1:40am...sippin' Baileys...outta my swanky Baileys glass...

Yes, i'm in a MUCH better mood now. There's SILENCE. Complete late-night silence. I love it. My twinkling small white Xmas lights on, i'm relishing my Baileys...won last night in the annual Cousins Grab Bag Fightfest. Yes, that's right, it was yet another Xmas party...and, mercifully, the last. I hate how that sounds...I love my family dearly. But it's just all...too much. On many levels. In too short a time. I had some really good Saranac beer last night, too...caramel flavor among the 4 different kinds I had...mmm. I looked like a drunk as I stuffed the empty bottles into my coat upon leaving...for my beer bottle collection, of course. Now i'll have to price this Baileys gift...it was a relatively big bottle that came with TWO really cool Baileys glasses. DEF more than the super cheap $15 "grab bag price"...for which i'm elated. My gift? Beer. A 12-pack. Came to $14.97. Am I fucking good or what? There's an anecdote about the white trash stupid ass bitch at the register who couldn't figure out how to combine the $12.97 remaining on my AmEx gift card with $2 in cash, and wasted a good 3 minutes of my time, but it's too exhausting. A note pad, plea for supervisor assistance, and 2 different registers were involved. Now that I think of it, she kinda resembled Andrea Yates. C'mon, you get the reference, right?! And how cool, too, how perfectly the gift card balance & beer total all rounded out! I couldn't believe it! So, yeah, i'm sipping that Baileys now, and all is right with the world, and today wasn't so bad after all. In fact, i'm feeling rather self-satisfied right now. Clink!

"I grew up in Belvidere, a small town in Warren County..."

Just another excruciating evening spent in my own living room -- or is it the set of THE MATCH GAME? -- listening to yet another one-sided Dipshit phonecall. I can't make this shit up. I can't exaggerate. Nothing I write can even BEGIN to convey how agitating it is to be in his presence. It's awful. Horrible. I fucking hate him more than I can express. If there were some reality show awarding Most Annoying Human Being, I don't see how he could lose. EVERY move he makes is ulcer-inducing. He does NOTHING right.

Almost 2 months later, he's STILL using my ketchup, i'll have you know. I guess he mistook my saying he can borrow some if he ran out and was in a pinch for "sure, why don't you just ingest the entire bottle and leave ME with nothing." Wouldn't a NORMAL grown-up make a mental note (or, in his case, one of his many ACTUAL notes) to buy some ketchup? When I got up today, I was quickly told "the internet was out." Now this has happened a handful of times before...and EVERY time i've fixed the problem by jiggling his internet phone wire. Do you think HE thought to do such a thing? No. God forbid he use whatever passes for his brain to test the wiring -- you know, what any non-retarded person above the age of seven would do. SOMEhow, the problem corrected itself after about an hour...I'd BEEN waiting for him to go to the bathroom, at which point i'd run into his room and fix it; naturally, he didn't move for about 2 hours. A fucking nightmare. I seriously can't deal with him anymore. Any patience is gone. I've taken to talking out loud or heavily sighing...perhaps secretly hoping he hears me and registers my fury. Allowing him to live here is officially one of the worst mistakes of my FUCKING LIFE. Unless he's sleeping, his presence in SOME way grates beyond belief.

Back to his current phonecall with yet another internet whore he's "meeting" for the first time...via phonecall. I have nothing against internet dating, let me say that. I DON'T have patience for the phonecall bullshit. Fucking write an email, IM, or meet in PERSON. Instead, along with being regaled with his misty-eyed portrait of his hometown, i've listened to him describe his daily bus ride into the city and note how, after 7 years, he STILL isn't tired of Hoboken. Among MANY other achingly dull tidbits. "Hey Amy, good stuff," he just said. Guess her name's Amy. They'll "meet up for a drink" on Thursday. Jesus fucking Christ, how does ANY woman not order a bottle of wine simply to smash over her fucking head while enduring a date with HIM?! How does he even DATE?! OH, MY GOD, I CAN'T HANDLE ANY OF THIS!! *The call just ended...it lasted about 35 minutes. And this is every day of my life. ENDLESS phonecalls...with dumb broads, dumb friends, or his dumb work. SHOOT. ME. NOW. **OHMYFUCKINGGOD, he is NOW ON THE PHONE AGAIN..."Hey, Lauren, how are you?" Can you say UNSPEAKABLY NEEDY, WHINY, FUCKING LITTLE PUSSYBOY? I can. Wait, I'm thinking of a new tactic...perhaps I should start endlessly coughing, hacking, clearing my throat, blowing my nose, burbing? Things like this? Surely this would annoy him to move into another room? I'll end with good news...at LEAST i've just learned from his blabber that he'll be away both Friday AND Saturday nights!!! OK, i'm done with him...for now. *PS, officially, over the past 2 weeks or so, I feel ZERO guilt dissing him. He deserves every syllable of my rage. Along with a piece of plywood to the face.

Sit the fuck down and wipe those smug looks off your faces, Hillary haters

It's IOWA. A CAUCUS in Iowa. The first step. And a fucking wacky one at that. It's perception and momentum for Obama, sure. Historically, though, it really means nothing. So some perspective, please...oh, who am I kidding? No one has any. I don't even say this as some rah-rah Hillary lover, but more so as someone unspeakably irritated/amused by those who so hate her. So, actually, perhaps it's best she lost tonight. Will make your dejected heartbreak all the more satisfying come November. And no one does Smug Face like ME...

It's officially a DEVELOPING STORY vs. being BREAKING NEWS

As in newscasters putting on their Urgency Faces and saying, with a distracted "we're getting this JUST in over the wire" look, "we've got a DEVELOPING STORY for you now..." Complete with zippy "OH, MY GOD, WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING?!" graphics and ominous music. It was "BREAKING NEWS" for a very, very long time. I guess there was some kind of clandestine national meeting of the broadcast minds that decided a new HYPERBOLIC PHRASE was needed to run into the ground.

HERE'S some absolutely startling news...

*Note how I bolded AND italicized the crucial first sentence.

Cell phone users tie up traffic: study
By Julie Steenhuysen Wed Jan 2, 3:26 PM ET

CHICAGO (Reuters) - If you're late for work, a driver using a cell phone may be to blame. U.S. researchers said on Wednesday that people who use cell phones while behind the wheel impede the flow of traffic, clog highways and extend commute times.

"It's a bit like breaking wind in the elevator. Everyone suffers," Peter Martin of the University of Utah's Traffic Lab said in a telephone interview.

Prior studies have equated the risk of driving while talking on a cell phone with driving while drunk. Some 50 countries have banned use of hand-held phones while driving.

The latest study shows the impact of cell phone use on traffic patterns. "It has to do with the reaction to changes in speed," said Martin, who teaches civil and environmental engineering.

"When a driver who is not distracted is in a traffic stream and the vehicle in front slows down, the driver will brake in response. When a vehicle speeds up in front, the driver will respond and speed up," he said.

Martin and a team of researchers devised a study involving 36 university students, each of whom drove through six 9.2 mile-long freeway scenarios in low- to high-density traffic at speeds that resembled driving on an interstate highway.

The drivers used a hands-free phone during half their trips and no phone in the other half. They were told to obey posted speed limits and use turn signals but the rest of the driving decisions were up to them.

What they found is that when the drivers were distracted by a phone conversation, they made fewer lane changes, drove slower and took longer to get where they are going.

In medium- and high-density traffic, drivers were about 20 percent less likely to change lanes. They also spent about 25 to 50 seconds longer following slow-moving vehicles before changing to an open lane. And they drove about 2 mph (3.2 kph) slower than the undistracted drivers and took 15 to 19 seconds longer to complete the 9.2 mile trip.

For an undistracted driver, these accommodations might make driving safer. "But if you are doing that so you can take your mind off the road and talk on the phone, that isn't safer," said University of Utah psychology professor Dave Strayer, who led the team.

Those delays can add up, especially in light of studies that suggest as many as 10 percent of U.S. drivers are using a cell phone at any one time.

"Delays in traffic streams of very small amounts grow into massive numbers when you project it across a highway and across a nation," Martin said.

The next step is to use computer models to determine just how much those delays are costing drivers in time and extra fuel costs that result from traffic delays.

"What we've done here indicates already that those numbers are likely to be significant," Martin said.
(Editing by Will Dunham and Bill Trott)

Pussy parents and their INSANE need to stay in touch with their PRECIOUS FUCKING CHILDREN

NYC schools are embroiled in some eye-rolling "controversy" over cellphones. Allow Gary to set all you fuckers straight. I'll acknowledge technology and simple logistics by saying OF COURSE they should be allowed in the building. You supposed to hide it in a fucking bush for 6 hours? Some 8-year-olds were apparently brokering deals with bodega owners to store their cellphones during school...can you imagine? However, they should NOT be allowed to be in use during class. Period. End of story. No texting, nothing! It's distracting AND a means of cheating. Keep them ON you, sure...you know, "just in case" some WILD, NUTTY event (terrorist attack/school shooting/allergic reaction) happens...just don't USE them UNLESS said Just In Case Situation arises.

I've often been asked if I'd ever considered teaching for a living...some form of "ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?" is always my answer. I have precious little patience to begin with, but now the added problem of cellphones?! If I was lecturing and a cellphone went off...just ONE, let along an endless choir of them...I'd rip it out of the fucker's hands and hurl it through the nearest glass window. If the room was windowless, I guess I'd just have to repeatedly stomp my feet on it. I don't envision either scenario allowing me to come back to work the next day.

So WHAT is the controversy? WHO could possibly argue over anything I just wrote? WHY is there debate over ANYthing? My stance is beyond reasonable. Some PUSSY PARENTS are afraid Lil' Johnny might need to call Mommy in a pinch and are OUTRAGED, ranting and raving on the news. Listen, bitch, shut the fuck up, tend to some more files in your little work cube, and quite worrying about your motherfucking spawn. You'll see him later in the day...just like my mommy saw me...way back in the 1800s when we left at 7:30am and didn't return till 3ish without a single "I'M STILL ALIVE!!" breathless check-up phonecall. Children today are SO fucking coddled...UGH.

19 degrees, wind chill of 7, 20mph gusts...why NOT go for a bike ride?!

I wanted my fucking 2008 daily planner, and NOTHING was going to stop me. Off to Staples I went at 8pm. I'm so ridiculously OCD and a fan of symmetry that I specifically went through the past DECADE of my planners (why, yes, of COURSE I keep them...they're another form of diaries) last night to see which COLOR I should get this year. Can't have the same color 2 years in a row...MUST easily distinguish between the years. It's been a nice even 5 years since i've had a cranberry-colored one...so that's the color I got. Also hoping the overall positive vibe of 2003 rubs off on 2008. I told you I was nuts. Some people pray the rosary, I color-coordinate my daily planners to gather inner strength. I think it's the fastest I've ever bought one...the fact that the store closed at 9pm may have had something to do with it. I usually linger and ponder, trying to "visualize" the planners in various places, along with considering drastic changes in the TYPE of planner I'll buy. But you know what...some things -- like WNBC-NY's LIVE AT FIVE with Sue Simmons, for instance -- don't NEED to be tinkered with. They work for a reason. And, dammit, I LOVE my very specific "At A Glance" MONTHLY daily planner. I'm sure I've said this before...but I have no patience for planners where the entire month ISN'T spread out before you. Who the fuck wants to see just ONE DAY? It's all about...drumroll...perspective! I MUST have a sense of perspective about the days and weeks around my CURRENT day! OK, that's more than enough on this. All I REALLY intended to write was how impressed I am with my hardiness and stubbornness...running around on a BIKE at 8pm in 19 degree weather...just so I can start obsessively organizing my year. Who else would do that?! WHO?! And it's a good 10-minute ride each way, I'll have you know! Aren't I fucking fantastic?

Well, i'll be damned...look, it's SUE SIMMONS...at 5pm!

I feel like I PARTLY blogged on this not too long ago...how Sue was put BACK on at 5:30pm on NBC. She'd been on LIVE AT FIVE for more than a quarter century until some programming genius decided it'd make more sense for NBC's NYC affiliate to totally nix the news at 5pm and put EXTRA in its place, then have some NON-SUE 5:30pm news. But then, about a month ago, I noticed Sue was back at 5:30pm and the dumbass "News 4 You" lifestyle-focused approach was back to being merely NEWS. Well, for the new year, starting today, guess what? The NEWS is back at 5pm! And EXTRA is pushed to 5:30. And it is my absolute belief that by next September, if THAT long, it'll be a full hour of news again between 5 and 6pm on WNBC-NYC...with SUE there for the ENTIRE hour. Once that takes place, WNBC's year-long Colossal Programming Disgrace can be put behind us and never spoken of again. Naturally, whoever signed off on this should be FIRED and they need to start paying ME a consulting fee. Christ, it is BEYOND infuriating that I knew this was a mistake the second I heard about it, yet some dumb fuck is getting paid big bucks to come up with such an idea. Oy, VEY! I really need to be running a network...

Hello, 2008!!

HAPPY NEW YEAR, everybody! Gary's back! It's like an All New Season of Oprah, isn't it?! I'm refreshed, revived, RARING to go! Well, in my mind, I am. Physically, i'm pretty fucking beat...not as beat as Sunday, but still dragging a bit, still dealing with a cold, though that's better, too...despite going to my throat now. I actually bought Robitussin tonight...I don't know that i've EVER bought Robitussin. Naturally, I spent a good half hour in ShopRite thoroughly analyzing the 8 different kinds, and the types and percentages of medicine IN each kind. I finally settled on the Heavy Chest Congestion & Cough one...which makes sense given both the escalating phlegm flying out of my mouth and my occasional Bea Arthur-esque voice. And can someone PLEASE tell me what ingredient exactly makes a product DROWSY or Night-time? This is imperative to know. Is ALL medicine sleep-inducing unless something NON-drowsy or "daytime" is added? I'm a complete idiot on this subject. All I know is that I feel verrrrrrrrry calm and sleepy now...was it caused by the Robitussin? Or maybe my 2-mile bike ride against northerly winds with a bag draped around my neck?

It's BECAUSE i'm sleepy, along with still being a tad scattered by Xmas-week chaos, that I really don't have some well-thought out New Year's Mantra to pass on to you, my faithful readers. I'm hoping tomorrow i'll FINALLY be back up to par and have Big Inspired Words to share...though who knows, maybe tonight's will be worthy. I think tomorrow MOST people will be getting back to "normal." Even Letterman and Leno! In the meantime, I just re-read LAST year's New Year's Day blog...dammit, I inspired MYSELF! I feel the same way this year...full of hope, energy, urgency. And that Calendar Thing I do really is something -- just hold a wall calendar in your hands and flip through it...365 days ahead of you...an entire blank slate of a year waiting to be filled in like a coloring book. I really do feel it's a simple yet powerful way of appreciating time and all of life's possibilities. And your health. That you're here and made it to another year. First thing when I woke up this morning, I said "2008!" out loud. Then hacked up some phlegm. A new year had dawned and I was alive to see it! YAY!