The 15-year anniversary of Madonna's FUCKING Letterman appearance

March 31, 1994 is when Madonna said FUCK 13 times on Letterman. See what I mean about time's passage? Does that REMOTELY seem like 15 years ago?! It's interesting that a day shy of exactly 15 years later, she's again on the cover of the Post...this time for being a horrific human who's trading human beings in Africa. But my main point in this post is to point out that she was made out to be Evil Personified for the FUCK tirade...yet now Dave regularly gets laughs (as do many, MANY other shows) by having vile bleeped profanity. Whole skits revolve around it. Just a couple weeks ago, America's sweetheart, Julia Roberts, said FUCK over and over in a "hilarious" anecdote. ACTUALLY, before Madonna's '94 appearance, Dave already had a regular skit involving a foul-mouthed, older lady librarian who just came out on a mobile cart of books and cursed a blue streak. Interesting, the incredible across-the-board hypocrisy, no?

Don't leave me, March!!!

How the FUCK is it March 31st?! Seriously. Honestly. A third of the year down the drain. Ugh. I want it to be January 31 again. Nothing one can do, but i'm NOT happy about this development. EVERYthing's just going faster and faster. I blink and a month sails by. I need some traction.

A (not entirely) shocking Dipshit development??!!??

Spied a complete set of Robbins Diamonds literature on his desk as I breezed through his room tonight. You know what THAT means?? Or do we? To be clear, my first thought was HE'S GETTING ENGAGED!! And, really, what else COULD it mean? Who knows. I think it's entirely, 100% the logical conclusion to come to. He was in the shower at the time, so I tried fingering through it a bit for clarification. I'm awful, I know. OK, I really don't give a shit. Hey, as i've said a million times, he leaves EVERYthing right on his desk, and it's a railroad apt, so i'm gonna see things...and when I DO, yeah, i'm gonna investigate if it pertains to my peace/sanity/need to scrounge up more rent. But it was all stuffed tightly into some official plastic thing, so I didn't wanna pry too much...hopefully I can do that tomorrow when he's at work and i'm not in danger of being caught. Yes, this WOULD be EXACTLY what I was predicting. He's been seein this chick more than a year now...and has spent practically EVERY single weekend at her place since Labor Day. I hate jumping the gun with predictions, but this is a MOST intriguing development....

Gary FINALLY goes DIGITAL!!

This is personally HISTORIC. Seriously. In less than 24 hours this weekend, I received the wonderful surprise of a digital camera for my birthday, then bought my digital TV converter from America's favorite store, Walmart, using my government-funded $40 coupon (total cost to me...$11 and change). In a word...YAY!! I feel like i've advanced a decade in a day!

The converter was more difficult to set up than I'd anticipated; technical, i'm not...and I had the added burden of tying in a VCR to the equation. DVD player? What's that? Anyway, my bedroom TV reception is now better than it has EVER been, PLUS I have more channels, PLUS I have the shows listed on the screen like, you know, a 2009 cable TV would. I can letterbox shows if I want, too. It's rather thrilling.

And the CAMERA! I don't even know where to begin. Literally...I didn't know how to turn the thing on. I was like an 85-year-old. But I quickly learned. And, well, I haven't actually looked at it much since Saturday night; that's tonight's laying-in-bed activity. I have no idea how my dealings with a digital camera will play out, but i'm SURE I'll love it. I just need to adapt to it. I will NOT become one of those MANY people who don't have physical pictures in albums. It was one of those (too rare, for me) moments in life where you instantaneously go "why the FUCK have I waited so long to get/do this?" And the FUNNIEST thing (read: irritating) is that I'd JUST gone to Walmart right before I got the surprise camera to get...another disposable camera. And I'd ripped open the box already, so I GUESS I can't return it? I'll try maybe. SO...look the fuck out! Gary's gone digital! I wonder how long it'll be before I post nude self-pics on the web....

It's my 36TH birthday, so I'll self-indulge if I want to....

I am 36. Happy birthday to ME!! WELL...it's 3:30am and I really don't feel like writing a book, so i'll just write a bit. Twas a relatively uneventful day. Woke late. FLOORED by the avalanche of Facebook love...probably 60ish well-wishes, at least. Yes, i'll count at some point. The Hungarian even wrote from an undisclosed location in Mexico! Bless her heart. Nice long walk in nice 40ish, sunny weather. Humorously rushed pizza/mozz sticks dinner, presents & the usual Carvel cake at the parents'. Put some Foo to my Ipod. Home by 10ish.

But I wasn't done. I wanted more. I wanted to drink solo at a bar for the first time...and it didn't happen, despite a valiant effort. I left at 12:45am and roamed Hoboken on foot & in car. NOTHING had the right atmosphere. Fuck! Still enjoyed goin out, though. And I think I saw the start of a water main break across from where I first parked the car...water should NOT have been bubbling up from under a car and cascading down the street. I, um, moved the car to another spot. It was fun being out...SEEING people out at 1:30am on a late winter Thursday. You miss so much if you just sit in your house. Anyway, so I came home and had a Sam Adams White Ale that the bro gave me and plopped a single candle I swiped into yet another piece of Carvel cake, doused the lights and wished myself a happy birthday all over again. Rather soothing, it was, the single candle flickering in the dead of night. And THEN...

Well wasn't THIS interesting. I'd also enjoyed a Dipshit-free night, SURE he'd gone again to Philly to visit the girl. But, wait! Was that someone SCREAMING briefly out front at 3am? Befuddled, I dashed to the window. Nothing. WTF?! THEN I hear a door downstairs and am even MORE confused. NO ONE would be screaming OR awake at this hour...well, normally. Like, EVER. Then more silence. And THEN...LOUD footsteps coming up the stairs. Are you KIDDING me? Motherfucker has not come home at 3am in LITERALLY more than a year, and NEVER on a weeknight. And THEN his phone fucking rings in the hall as if he wasn't loud enough. The hall light was out and he was fumbling with keys, so I let him in. He's bleary-eyed, barely speaks to me, and stumbles away as I enter the bathroom. When I come out, his bedroom door's still open and he's already passed out. ?!?!?!?! And WHAT was the fucking screaming???? Yet again he justifies my deeming him a moron. So I'm pissed he's here, but not THAT pissed...day's about over. I'm PRETTY sure he'll be off to Philly tomorrow. But the whole episode was/is very bizarre.

OK, 4am. Rambled more than I'd hoped. I'm out of birthday analysis...for now. A good day, though. Appreciative & grateful. May I have many more!

36 has come for me!

I struggled and resisted, but it was futile...midnight arrived roughly 3 hours ago and The Big 36 successfully took me away. Haha, fucking ha...I'm loving the hype I've created on Facebook for my birthday. It's fucking hysterical. I've already gotten TONS of bday wishes, and well-taught mannerly son that I am, I've personally answered most of them. People's newsfeeds are gonna be CLOGGED with Gary Stories...riot. It's really cool, though...i'm flattered. Can't wait to see who writes what "tomorrow."

When midnight arrived, I was sitting on my couch watching Letterman, Yuengling in hand. I soon had popcorn, too. Shortly before 2am, I stepped outside for a walk and to linger on my front porch...and to finally finish the expensive cigar from my cousin's mid-October wedding. It's about 40 and windy out, with a full moon...most invigorating. I took some self pics with NYC and the moon. It was a delightfully soothing way to usher in my 36th year. Then I had some Bailey's and toasted myself...again. Earlier tonight, I also went on my roof around 7ish. Otherwise, the day was actually a tad dull...didn't sleep well last night. As usual, took till nightfall for me to perk up. And my worry from last night was a TAD less so today. Still hoping for the best.

WELL...it's 3:06am...need to start making my way toward bed...although I'll have to wait till 3:41am, the time I was born. Happy 36th to ME!!

35's Final 36 Hours

Can I dramatize this more? Same old song today in general...great mood, very productive, yet nothing of interest to really report. EXCEPT for the fact that it's 2:30am and Dipshit NEVER came home from work!?!? What a delightful surprise! Of course, i'm curious where the hell he is...kinda baffling on a Tuesday night. Hmm. Hell, who cares. Gotta love random nice surprises!! Also nice was my 12:45am slow stroll through the hood with my scotch-taped bummed cigarette...most soothing. My last late night stroll of thirty-five; cue silent tears. Actually, it was more ponderous than you know. More than I feel like getting into. Hopefully all goes well. Still a good, good day, though. Grateful for it.

Monday, Monday...35's End edges closer!

It just dawned on me this second...I think this is the first time I've EVER mentioned my age on here. Fuck. Do I wanna do this? I may have to print these out, then erase them! Holy Letting My Guard Down, Batman!

Twas a good Monday. I'm really in a GREAT mood...productive, positive, FEELING great, knock on wood. Hell, I even lifted weights today...more than I have in MONTHS! I was also delighted to note the extra hour of darkness this morning; I slept right through it yesterday. I think I like this time of year's daylight schedule the best. As much as I love summer, there's always that part of me annoyed by too many other humans out and about in extended daylight...like the fucking people downstairs sitting on the fucking porch till almost 9pm nightly. Insert smiley emoticon here. And being i'm a night owl, I also don't like when it's too bright too soon in the morning...you know, if i'm goin to bed at 5am. OK, well i'm gonna tinker a bit more online now, then organize & read a bit more in my room, then end My Last 35th Monday. My good mood's almost scaring me.

Then we had my Last 35th Sunday....

Which was fine, if a tad hectic. Nothing stunning. Downloaded some U2 to my Ipod, laundry, dinner at the parents', perused the Sunday paper. Some monumental events there. Oh, I also swiped 2 floor tiles that dad had put in the alley for trash. I was naturally looked at like I was a nutcase. But here's the thing: the 'rents are putting new tiles on the rec room floor for the first time since the house was built in 1964. I basically wanted a piece of the house to add to the future museum of my life. Many memories of sliding on those tiles as a kid when my grandmother lived there...and of my Precious Baby Furball's many "accidents" on them, particularly in her advanced years when our coming home possibly meant a sudden game of hopscotch in order to navigate. Those tiles just added to the overall vintage vibe of our rec room, and I wanted two of them -- one brownish, one tan -- to forever have. I'll have to be creative and make some kinda art piece out of them...I don't just want them laying around out of view. So that was my Sunday. Oh, and it's light till around 7pm now! Yeah, I kinda dig it, despite my bit of sadness over winter ending. Onward....

I wasn't sprung so far ahead yesterday, The Last Saturday of My 35th Year....

I did nothing. Seriously. Woke after noon, after goin to bed at like 6am-ish "Friday night," then just hung around the house on the internet. OK, I made my bed and ate. And DID make an attempt to go swimming...but it was too crowded, so I turned right around. It hit 70 degrees yesterday, too...but only briefly...and it was cloudy...NOT that nice of a day, though you wouldn't have known it by the usual weather overreaction. So I really didn't feel remotely guilty not taking advantage of the day. I SO needed to just relax in silence after yet another hectic Friday. And then at 2am, it was the 2nd year of springing forward in early March...nutty, though I'm ready for it, I've realized...especially ready for it to be darker later in the morning for a bit. Anyway, I just wrote an awful lot about NOTHING. It was a really nice, soothing, quiet Saturday, though. Not complaining.

The Last 35th Friday

Pretty happy with it. Long walk in 50 degree weather. Surprise Asian dinner & three beers while listening to Roy Orbison and other 50s and 60s songs with good friends. Then some pizza. Then ShopRite. Then a brief trip to see The Baby Bro. Then home. Enough THEN. NOW it's 2:18am and i'm watching "Spring Break at South Padre" on The Travel Channel...which I may be watching a lot of this weekend, as I see it's Beach Weekend. Ah, those halcyon days of all-day drinking for 7 straight days in a tropical climate. Oh, look, a new female-focused condom commercial...go to www.vibratingtouch.com to learn more! Fun! I also realized today that MUCH HAS TO CHANGE...SOON.

My Final Week of 35 begins....

You absolutely know i'm gonna document the excruciating minutae of every blessed minute of it. Well, who knows, we'll see. Today was, obviously, The Final Thursday. And...and...well, it was pretty dull. I wanted each day to have some Memorable Moments or theme...go out with guns blazing...and while today WAS crazy productive, it wasn't so in any way worth mentioning. But I got some much needed shit done, so I can be happy about that. Tedious, annoying shit...but, hey, now that tedious, annoying shit is OUT of my way! And I can't forget my lovely walk to Dunkin Donuts to fetch 2 donuts for .99, courtesy of my coupon...now THERE'S an Alumni Note! I think the Indian lady in charge is getting annoyed by me and my coupons. Tough luck! I'd love to work at Dunkin Donuts...if not for the mingling with commoners and fear of being robbed and shot. And, I'd guess, miserable pay. Well, 2:02am now...soon i'll lay me down to sleep for the last time on a Thursday as a 35-year-old. I DO so still love Thursdays....

If I know you, why be ANONYMOUS?

Simply put, I'm flattered if you're paying me a compliment and would like to know who you are. I'm like J. Edgar Hoover with a Friends & Enemies List; I like to know who's on my side. I'm also a control freak. Maybe you do it deliberately to drive me nuts. Maybe you just feel weird for some reason. Maybe something else. Obviously, I can't force you to leave a name, so just know I appreciate and thank anyone who goes out of their way to offer me kind words.

Sippin Bailey's at 3:20am at the height of a snowstorm...

Ah, just delightful! I am just unbelievably relaxed...have been since last night...after running around ALL day yesterday. What a reward this is! It's POURING snow outside...finally...after a frustratingly slow buildup. I'd be AMAZED if we actually got the double-digit totals they'd been breathtakingly predicting the past 24 hours, but at the same time, it's not out of the question. So, so, SO great...the biggest snowstorm of the season arriving on the first of March, perhaps my favorite month roaring in like a lion.

I officially have become a lover of winter; i'd been a bit irritable that we hadn't gotten One Big Snowstorm, so this makes me happy...with the added bonus that it's irritating so many who irritatingly wanna rush into spring. I like March to be an unpredictable beast, thank you. I'm not ready for winter to be over JUST yet. I LIKE hunkering down in a warm house with comforting, hearty meals...reading, tinkering, not feeling guilty if I don't leave the house all day, not being tied to endless warm-weather social obligations. Allow me March and even some of April to slowly work myself up to the joys of summer. Because that's then, and this is now, and I don't wanna rush.

*PS, it's 3:50am and almost blizzard-like outside now. A wind-whipped sea of white! GLORIOUS! Time for more Bailey's....