Now Obama thinks we should "get beyond" 9/11

OK, Barack. Let's do that. ANY day now, we could be attacked again...and anyone who doesn't grasp that is a fucking moron. I'm starting...slowly...to regain some hope that people may be waking up to the Stepford Wife, groupthink, follow-the-leader, hopeful slogan-based IDIOCY that is Barack Obama's campaign...and that maybe, just maybe Clinton WILL indeed come out victorious. There's been some increasing signs of the media and The People waking up to their idiocy and bias. And this is why I couldn't run for office...because I AM calling all Obama supporters naive and/or delusional...and that's being diplomatic. SAY IT, HILLARY! Don't be NICE! SAY that you think you'd be better equipped "from Day One." So can SOMEONE please start mentioning terrorists' ever-looming threat to our national security?! Health care's great, but I'll need more than surgery if i'm blown to bits on a subway train.

I absolutely never tire of Reynolds' NON-STICK aluminum foil

I've been using the same piece now since around the start of the new year. TWO MONTHS! Who's your Recycling & Cost-Conscious Daddy?! Cook a pretzel, frozen pizza, whatever...slide it off...fold the foil back nicely and place back in the broiler where Dipshit can't find it. Repeat until the thing looks like it's been through a war. It's probably been two YEARS since I've bought aluminum foil. God, I impress myself.

I'd like to drive through the Desert Southwest with an open container

Credit stumbling upon THELMA & LOUISE on cable for this musing. Yes, i'd like to drink WHILE driving...during the day, in the absolute middle of nowhere where mine was the only car in sight, on a flat, straight two-lane road in the desert...though i'd like some soaring mountains in the distance. Ideally in a convertible. So it'd have to be a hot day; I'm not talking January here. Some twangy country music on the radio. I'd like to see some cactus, too. And maybe some kind of palm? And it'd just be me and the gorgeous earth that is the Southwest United States. And an open bottle of Stella.

AMY SEDARIS

Just giving her another shout out. ENDLESSLY amusing. I NEED to be her friend. Now excuse me as I tend to the dental work of my imaginary monkey...

Yet another eye-rolling note on Hillary, Barack, and the media

With the exception of Maine, which was always close, EVERY single state that Barack has won in the past 2 weeks was an EXPECTED outcome. The media endlessly talked up this fact before each election. So WHY, WHY, WHY has everyone reacted with COMPLETE SHOCK after each of Hillary's losses?!?! It makes NO sense, and there is ZERO consistency to the media's analysis of all of this. Since Super Tuesday 2 weeks ago, the media spoke of Barack's February Free Ride...how he was favored in ALL states...and how Hillary needed to just cool her heels until March 4. Um, DOES ANYONE FUCKING REMEMBER THIS BUT ME?!!?!?!!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? Instead, with Barack's every win, the media has lowered her coffin further into the ground. Infuriating.

"YOU'RE gone with the wind."

Dad's retort to mom as they bicker over something to do with GONE WITH THE WIND being on TV, dad wanting to watch it, mom not, who the fuck cares. All I know is that I was TRYING to urinate in peace while this fucking insanity ensued just outside the door. The excruciating ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba of their "conversation" ended abruptly with dad's walking away while uttering his title line. Thank GOD...peace! Urination...COMMENCE! But, wait, no...there was an Act Two...that involved ME. Me, standing above the toilet, JUST yearning to cleanse my system and bladder. But dad MUST talk to me -- make that YELL --from the top of the stairs..."GARY, DO YOU WANNA TAKE SOME FOOD HOME?" I calmly waited...said nothing. SURELY this will signal to him what he ALREADY knew -- that I was in the FUCKING bathroom -- and he'd quickly guess from knowing me his entire life that I wouldn't wanna scream meal plans through the fucking door while clutching my dick. He surely won't bellow with a follow-up, right? Please. After praying to Jesus for 3 seconds max that I wouldn't have to loudly admonish him through the door for continuing to bother me...he continued to bother me. "GARY...." I don't even know what he said. I just know I instantly screamed at the top of my lungs that I was in the goddamn bathroom and wasn't carrying on a conversation about lasanga from the toilet. THIS shut him up, while also elicting laughter from mother. The bathroom is NO refuge in THAT house. But let me end by commending dad and not issuing him a tongue-lashing, as I BEGAN my Struggle to Urinate by laughing out loud at his sardonic barb thrown mom's way. SEE the range of emotions I experience in ONE trip to the toilet? Yes, I live a many-textured life.

So this guy killed his 14-year-old daughter in the Bronx, then burned her in the furnace...

We know HE'S the killer. So in Gary's World, he'd be dead already. But, no, we'll waste time and money on a trial to determine...to determine...WHAT exactly? Then he 99% likely won't get the death penalty...just life in prison. Where he can Think About what he did. Hey, maybe even learn a trade! Rehabilitate himself! Make SOMETHING out of the rest of his life! All the while, his young daughter's charred remains will be rotting deep in the earth, but, eh, that's the way the cookie crumbles...

The Poor, Improperly Placed Indian Man on the Path Train

You think I have rage? Well, OK, so I do. And it's justified, as i've said a million times. But that very fine line that I straddle daily between simmering silently and explosive violence isn't always handled so well by others. Like the early-20something, pudgy dude on the PATH train Friday evening. The guy who made me vaguely uneasy the entire ride because he, hmm, he just wasn't MOVING where the fuck I wanted him to. It's fucking rush hour and I was trying to jostle into a good position, and this fuck just would NOT move. He just seemed ANGRY. The way I was the day I lost my keys. There were no verbal assaults or mean looks, just this blank stare. All was fine until we both came to the same stop. The door BARELY had opened when I hear, "Get out of the way of the FUCKING door!" The poor, skinny, young Indian man looked like he feared for his life and quickly scurried to the side. Good thing...this guy MAY have killed him. He looked like he could be a crazed gunman...alienated, dressed in black. So there ARE bigger assholes than me out there. Though I gotta say, I'M oh, so close to losing it on the escalators...especially going DOWN. I mean, really, are you SO lazy that you can't walk down a moving escalator? But even if you are, fine, JUST MOVE TO THE RIGHT SIDE. It's a very simple concept. Yet the NUMBER of people who do not grasp this is just staggering. And I don't give a fuck if you're 10 or 100, or a tourist from Sweden. Be fucking aware! I must say, though, it's become clear to me that many who do this are, gasp, NATIVES. This truly warrants them being physically assaulted, I think. I've come very close in the past month to just taking both hands at full strength and shoving the dumb dopes. It's MINDBOGGLING to me...yeah, it's rush hour in Manhattan...let's just STAND here and WAIT to get to the bottom of the steps. La, di, dah...we'll get there. Motherfucking simpletons. Christ, my blood is boiling just writing about it. You know, i'm sure i've mentioned this before, but I wrote to Time Out New York once about this...and they printed it. The copy remains on my fridge like 8 years later. But I digress, as usual. So, at the same time that I feel bad for the humiliated mild-mannered Indian man, it's another reminder that you're not in Butte, MT...so FUCKING MOVE! Your glacial pacing and careless disregard for those who DO value their time COULD get you shot...remember that. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Janet Jackson's FEEDBACK video

The worst. Like, I wanna personally make sure the director is never hired again. You can't SEE anything...the whole video's so DARK. You honestly have NO idea what the FUCK is going on. But it wouldn't make sense anyway, as I spied planets and what seemed to be spaceships...who the fuck knows. The whole thing is just a complete waste of time and money. Which is a shame, actually...as it's the best goddamn single she's had in YEARS.

Fatass Timbaland gettin' with all these hot chicks in videos?

Endlessly amusing. In his newest video (and he's in about 2 new ones per month, it seems), he's with TWO beyond hot broads, one of them the Pussycat Dolls lead singer. And in one scene, they show them walking somewhat in the distance, him in the middle, lumbering to and fro, while their stick-figure frames sandwich him on the sides. Is he gaining weight back? He DID look much better for a while. It's funny how they shoot him in a hottub -- only from the neck up. It makes me anxiously/nervously await his video with Madonna next month...along with Justin. Will she have him shirtless and on a leash? That whole thing makes me mildly nervous. I can't imagine how it'll be bad...it just bothers me to some degree that Madonna's goin with the Producers of the Moment. I'll be optimistic and hope that she's inspired them to up their game to the highest level. She's not stupid...collaborating with them will get her on the radio, something the idiot radio gods inexplicably haven't allowed over the past 5 years. Please, please, PLEASE, don't get me started on the level of mindnumbing idiocy in the radio industry. So, sure, she'll be accused of being desperate or selling out. But if it's good and sells...who cares. And as I think i've said before, THEY should grateful to be working with HER. Hmm, I seem to have drifted from my original blog of Timbaland being a lumbering fatass...

Bill O'Reilly's "American TV Icon" segment with...Craig T. Nelson?

Now in Nelson's defense, I could mock this segment if Carol Burnett was the one whose ass Bill was kissing. It's just all so bizarre...I think he does it once a week, every Friday night. Instead of the fair and balanced news and analysis of the day, he goes all soft and kiss-ass. Actually, the funniest thing to me is probably the editing. It's very clear it's not live and just seems clumsily patched together. It's just awkward. Then there's Craig T. Nelson...ICON? For "COACH"?!?! REALLY? WHAT? HUH? You'd have thought Bob Newhart was sitting there, the way Bill was piling on the accolades. Craig T. Nelson is a VERY lucky ACTOR...NOT an icon.

The Roger Clemens/steroids/testifying on Capitol Hill absurdity

It's far too early for me to be crafting eloquent arguments, so i'll be brief. I'm NOT saying steroids are OK in sports. They're not. I think it's sad and pathetic and absolutely taints ANY accomplishment. I mean, you KNOW how I feel about drugs. But you know what? These aren't murderers. The IDEA that they're summoned to Washington to testify before lawmakers...wasting our taxpayer money AND valuable time that could be spent on FAR worthier national issues...is more than a little absurd, don't you think? Honestly, you'd think he slaughtered a family of four with a machete, the way they're treating Roger Clemens today. Which brings me to another issue. Clemens is ONE man. ONE man out of THOUSANDS in professional sports. MANY more have used steroids...and we don't even know that Clemens IS guilty of injecting himself. But it's like they pick and choose who to go after. And if Clemens -- or ANYONE -- is INNOCENT, their ENTIRE reputations are FOREVER tarnished. Ugh, I don't know what the fuck the answer is...how about the mere shame of the world knowing that you cheated? To involve Congress and perjury and jail time and harsh rebukes from politicians who are more than likely guilty of FAR greater crimes themselves...NOT NECESSARY.

OK, Hillary, time to come out swinging like a motherfucking street thug!

THIS has GOT to stop. Actually, let me preface this by pointing out something interesting...except for Maine, which was a toss-up, EVERY single state Barack has won over the past few days was EXPECTED. There is NO shocking story here. And yet, the media STILL runs with it like it's a stunning new development. The hyperbole tonight was overwhelming. Ugh. Make no mistake, though, perception is reality and that FUCKING word "momentum" is bandied about endlessly. So Hillary needs to do something here. Time to get tough, dirty, relentlessly pummeling. Like the Clintons CAN do in their sleep. Obama needs to be challenged, questioned, VETTED, held up to intense scrutiny on everything. He is sailing through this like his shit don't fucking stink. If there's dirt to be found, FIND IT! If there's not, merely sticking to the ISSUES should rattle him a bit. But SOMETHING must be done NOW!! Don't let me down now, Hillary...you've scraped and clawed your way to the top for years, withstanding ENDLESS verbal assaults that would've sent other mere mortals to Bellevue. It's that scrappiness and fortitude about the Clintons that I so fucking adore. STOP the Obama Wave!!

Hey, broadcasters, learn how to say some common words

The word MISSOURI...you know, one of our STATES...it's not pronounced "MissourAH," you dumb fucks. Then there's PENINSULA -- it's not "PeninSHUla." What is WRONG with you fucking people?!?! HOLY CHRIST, is there NO end to the stupidity?! I know there's a few more words y'all can't pronounce...i'll note your idiocy when they come to me...

Pimping Chelsea, caucuses, the asinine DNC, and superdelegates...let's quickly cover all four, shall we?

#1) PIMPING OUT CHELSEA. I don't know where to start with how much this annoys me on how many levels. In a word, it's STUPID. The Clintons need to lighten up...Chelsea ain't a 12-year-old. She's a grown woman who's been in a family of politicians her entire life. She's put herself out there now, so she's, to some extent, fair game. She wasn't called a FUCKING WHORE on air or anything. PIMPING is part of our lexicon now (Jesus, that sounds ridiculous...thank you, Xzibit) and shouldn't be taken so literally or personally. Much ado about nothing. Par for the course. And does it NOT seem that she IS being "pimped out"? Christ, if I ever make it to live TV, I think i'll be suspended my first day. Then tonight we have Pompous Irish Dumbass Sean Hannity SOMEHOW comparing this incident to Monica Lewinsky and Paula Jones...and how the Clintons thought NOTHING of the parents of THESE two when they publicly attacked them, and so they're being hypocritical. WHAT? HUH? HOW? Again, I don't even know where to start with that one. Idiocy, Sean, idiocy...

#2) CAUCUSES. They're fucking idiotic and archaic beyond human fucking belief and NEED TO GO. We aren't living in LITTLE HOUSE ON THE PRAIRIE times where Pa convenes locals in the wooden schoolhouse and a lively discussion ensues over who's gonna be mayor. I cannot BELIEVE this shit still exists. I don't give a flying motherfucking FUCK about "tradition" in this case. EVERY person in America over 18 should go to a PRIVATE CURTAINED BOOTH and push a button or pull a lever. PERIOD.

#3) THE DNC NON-SEATING OF MICHIGAN AND FLORIDA. SO...these 2 states decide to move their primaries forward against the DNC's orders (for whatever fucking reason) not to do so. The DNC's reasonable response? Let's tell 2 very big states that they'll have zero vote in deciding the Democratic nominee for president of their country. VERY, VERY smart. NOW it's all a giant fucking mess. Obama should've been on both ballots to begin with, but as it stands now, Hillary won both states. So now what? There is NO good end to this. And Howard Dean, the DNC Chairman, should be canned, fined, both, whatever. Ugh. NO reason this should even BE a fucking issue now. And why is Florida ALWAYS fucking things up for the rest of the country?

#4) SUPERDELEGATES. Um, WHAT? More insanity. I'm tempted to add DELEGATES themselves as #5. EVERYTHING about DELEGATES just seems screwy. But keeping this simple and on-topic, the IDEA that these random fucking people can overturn what THE VOTING PUBLIC decide is beyond absurd. "Yeah, Obama got more delegates in our 50 states, but us superdelegates prefer Hillary, so fuck what The People decided, WE'RE gonna give her JUST enough votes in this very tight race so that SHE suddenly becomes the winner!" THAT'LL promote change and new beginnings.

And there you go...tonight's political multi-rant. If brevity were my strong suit, I could've summed it all up in three words...OY, FUCKING VEY!

I'm not Hillary Rodham Clinton, but I have a fucking blog, so I'm officially endorsing her message!

Please, pick yourselves up off the ground...I know my ENDORSEMENT OF HILLARY RODHAM CLINTON FOR PRESIDENT must come as a real fucking shock given both my comments on this blog and my general life point of view. It actually WASN'T set in stone until recently, and I also don't really have the time or patience right now to fully lay out WHY i'm supporting her -- that'll likely come some other time...though I'll surely ramble a bit here. There's ENDLESS reasons for people's voting decisions, from Big Serious Issues like WAR at one end to stupid ass trivial shit at the other, and everything in between. This includes voting for someone simply because you're voting AGAINST someone else. It's crazy complicated.

I will say (again, this will be a shock) that my patience for The Savior Obama CHANGE Wave is completely shot to hell; I can't bear it anymore. Did I MISS when he turned water into wine? He's running on a FEELING and a SLOGAN...not reality. Which shouldn't surprise me, given the slick times we live in and politics in general. And the media...holy CHRIST, the media. It's all just so WAG THE DOG. And, yes, I know Bill Clinton rode the same FRESH CHANGE IN DC! wave in '92...I GET the irony/hypocrisy charge, OK, people?! Listen, I don't DISlike Obama...I just like Hillary better in 2008. Maybe in 2016, Barack...unless a Republican comes along that I like better.

Which brings me to the point of stressing that I HATE identifying myself as either Democrat or Republican -- though I've always voted Democrat for president -- and REALLY need to finally change my status to Independent. Which also brings me to the point that I struggled (ok, that sounds too melodramatic, but let's still use STRUGGLED) with whether to even MAKE PUBLIC my views on all of this. I'm forever wrestling with smart discretion vs. barking my opinion to the masses. And I DO believe with every FIBER of my being that my opinion is the RIGHT one. But while I have an opinion on everything and everyone, i'm smart enough to know that often it's best just to keep my fucking mouth shut. In the interest of...unity, peace, realizing that everyone fucking else will be too dumb to grasp that i'm right and i'll just wind up infuriated AND shunned, things like that. Oh, listen to me patting myself on the back for my savvy brilliance.

But I've had enough of the empty Barack rhetoric and beaming Young People standing behind him during speeches. I've had enough of his fucking MOMENTUM. I've had enough of the media's USAGE of that WORD. I've had enough of the media's YEARNING to knock Hillary on her ass. I've had enough of normal, everyday people around me salivating like rapid dogs to see Hillary go down. The IRRATIONAL hatred for the Clintons is unlike anything i've ever seen...and naturally, instinctively, I wanna zig while the Feeling of the Country zags. But I've always liked Hillary, so this isn't JUST me being contrarian...though I certainly enjoy being so.

Voting for Obama has become excruciatingly hip. So hip I wanna vomit. My breaking point was this new YES WE CAN music video, created by the fucking Black Eyed Peas frontman, where self-congratulatory idiot celebs pretentiously make Barack out to be like Martin Luther King, Jr. while blindly chanting "yes, we can" over and over -- that whole empty catchphrase thing again. Thank you, Scarlett Johansson...because of you, I definitely WON'T vote for Barack. This video is the type of thing that complete morons sit around proclaiming to be "so powerful." It's also the type of thing that nicely separates the human race for me...Stupid Tools vs. Knowing Geniuses. I gave Barack a chance to make his case to me...and he never sold me on it. The man's young, smart, capable, and knows how to give a fiery, Southern Preacher-esque speech. But these aren't reasons to elect him president.

To begin with, he's way too green. You thought he was black? No, just green. Is that funny to anyone else? I went through several variations of the black/green thing -- I had to point out he was AFRICAN AMERICAN here at SOME point --but most came off as borderline racist. He's also done cocaine, and any regular reader or anyone who knows me well KNOWS that I can't STAND drug use. Maybe more to the point, I can't stand that more and more successful people seem to have drugs in their history, and this pisses me off. I'm righteous and judgmental this way...and I don't give a shit. Why don't we ALL go out every Friday and do blow off a credit card?! YAY! THEN I'd be super duper cool! I feel like no one was raised right. I grew up thinking you were a COMPLETE FUCKING LOSER if you remotely went near drugs. Silly me. NOW you can become President of the United States! Props to my parents for instilling values. Yes...ME...VALUES. Refer back to my Many Varied Reasons that people vote the way they do.

Holy fucking Christ, this post is far too long. You must be exhausted...I am. In conclusion, I will NOT run with Oprah and The Beaming Idealistic College Students and Ted "I Killed A Woman Once" Kennedy by throwing my support toward Obama. By the way, how NOT "fresh and new" is aligning yourself with the Kennedys? What sweet vindication to have Hillary win Massachusetts! But I digress. I SUPPORT HILLARY RODHAM CLINTON! She's incredibly smart and capable, tireless, and has YEARS of experience in both Washington and Arkansas in MANY capacities. And that's just being general. Oh, yeah, she's also a woman, and I have no problem admitting I LOVE the historic appeal of living during the first female United States presidency. I DO think that in inself is an incredible reason to vote for her. If it was Pam Anderson running, no, I wouldn't vote for the Historic Female Reason. But it's Hillary. "I don't mind a woman, just not HER!" is what I so often hear. Then WHO? WHO? Quit your fucking nitpicking. Aren't you BORED by the prospect of yet another white man? What other woman is even on the fucking radar as having a shot in the near future? Condi? Pelosi? Those are the TWO remote candidates. I'd like to SEE this. Be alive during this. I'm thrilled by the idea of it. A First Man! HILLARY IN '08!

Super Tuesday truly was

An incredibly interesting day across the board for me. Elections, Giants parade, Mardi Gras...CAR SERVICE!! I got a "car home" for the FIRST TIME EVER! YAY!! Gary's a big boy now! Yes, I could EFFORTLESSLY segue into the life of a pampered, rich celeb...

Manhattan's serene early morning light

There's few things more wonderful than being in Manhattan in the early morning on a sunny day. If it's a SUNDAY morning, better yet. Like today. It is JUST zen-like. The way the sun falls on the buildings is spectacular. The streets are largely devoid of both cars AND humans. It's a hushed lushness...or maybe a lush hushness? I'm telling you, it's magical and calming. Even when you come across a procession of 15 cop cars with their sirens blaring and lights flashing, and you can't for the life of you imagine why. Even then. It is honestly something everyone should experience at least once...if you're lucky, thousands of times. I mean, you can stand in the middle of wide avenues and just stare ahead for 20 blocks, the city sounds all muffled, the promise of a new day in New York City before you. It all changes by 8am, tops. Like The Bliss never happened. The Madness begins anew and the zen is shot to hell. But if you're smart, you cling to that early morning feeling and all it meant to you.

Tom Petty's still the fuckin' man, too

His 1993 Greatest Hits set was instantly inserted into my portable CD player after the rousing halftime show. LOVE him. Now wasn't Paula Abdul supposed to perform at some point?? Hmm, keeping the Early 90s theme going, I was delighted this morning to walk into Duane Reade and hear Wilson Phillips' Spring 1991 #1 smash YOU'RE IN LOVE on the radio. I didn't give a shit that my co-worker was with me as I started belting out the chorus...

I still can't get over this HISTORIC Superbowl game!

Honest to God, and i'm not even a football fan, this was one of THE most exciting, classic, HISTORIC sports games I have EVER seen. I've literally been smiling for 90 minutes. Wonderful! Um, in case you missed it, the Giants are the World Champions of football, beating the Patriots 17-14. Absolutely stunning!

Where the FUCK are my FUCKING keys?!?!

Imagine if you will a serene dawning of February, if a bit wet. I got plenty of sleep, felt a bit better, woke early enough that I wasn't remotely in a rush, which is rare...had a couple minutes to spare...la di dah, the world was perfect. Time to leave...where are my keys? WHERE are my keys? Where the FUCK are my keys?!?! OH, MY FUCKING GOD, I JUST MISSED THE FIRST BUS THAT WOULD GET ME TO WORK EARLY!! Sweat forming. I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS! I felt like Jamie Lee Curtis in HALLOWEEN..."the keys, the keys!!"

Every single one of my 6 top layers was either taken off or frantically frisked. Felt the length of my pants, back and front. WHERE are they?! I then dove into the pile of clothes on my bed...had they gotten mixed up in that?! The clothes were thrown on the floor, then the comforter came flying off. I was officially sweating. Pacing. Holding my hands to my head. LOUDLY saying endless forms of FUCK. Frankly, I was on the verge of tears, and i'm not remotely kidding. I was beyond exasperated. It is the WORST feeling in the world...HOW can I leave the house without my keys?!?!

My eye was on the clock as the NEXT bus would soon arrive...which would get me to work a few minutes late, but no one would give a shit. But I had to make THAT bus. As time ticked, it hit me...DID the keys fall out of my pocket in the living room, as they often do, into the couch? I was SURE I'd just seen them on my bureau...but I HAVE been ill, so perhaps a drug-addled haze had me confused. Now on MOST mornings, a quick jog into the living room would've solved the mystery...but that's right, this is where DIPSHIT comes into play. MOTHERFUCKER chooses TODAY to either be off of work or go in late...and we have a wrap-around railroad apt, with 2 entrances...and he's still asleep...and the other door is LOCKED. FUCK!! Even asleep, he's INFURIATING me.

At this point, I imagine i'm in one of the Jason BOURNE films. I'm spinning around...eyes darting...clock ticking...bus nearing...sweat dripping...Dipshit door closed...other door locked...keys missing. Bang on his door? Cause a commotion? InterACT with him? Maybe for nothing? Maybe miss the 2ND bus? FUCK!! I scribble a note to leave the doors open 'cause I can't find my keys, frantically place it in the bathroom where he can find it, and race down the stairs and to the corner. I'm completely disheveled, it's raining, i've still got a cold, i'm sweating, and i'm FUCKING PISSED. And it showed as I glared at the idiots taking forever to board the bus as rain made me wetter by the second, then at the fuck who couldn't decide where he'd sit, delaying my seat-taking. If there was EVER a day I was gonna lose it and throw a profanity-assisted punch at someone, it was today.

Unbelievably, it was an incredibly smooth, quick commute...but I don't think I changed my gaze or expression for the entire ride. A blank expression of rage as I gazed at the same spot on the floor. I couldn't BELIEVE my morning had gone from SUCH serenity to SUCH grief. Here's where my luck gets CRAZY wacky good. For literally 6 months, I'd had a torn piece of paper with the new first floor tenants' phone number on it from a note they'd left us. About TWO weeks ago, I finally decided to get rid of the scrap paper and write it down in my phonebook...but wait, I said...I should just put it in my phone JUST IN CASE. Of WHAT, I had no idea -- I've NEVER had to call anyone in this house for assistance. Until today.

And so I called and arranged to have a key left in the front vestibule. When I finally got home, there was a note...just ring the 2nd floor bell...they'll come down to open the door. And they did...and also had the apt. key, but Dipshit paid attention and left the door open. And so I got in fine. And went to the couch...dug my hand in between the cushions...and THERE WERE MY KEYS. Sweet relief. And THAT is my story. And I will NEVER let this happen again. EVER. It's all Dipshit's fault...I wouldn't NEED to walk around with my keys if he wasn't here and didn't lock the other door all the time. And if he'd fuckin been awake today like he USUALLY is by 8am. Ugh. Oh, yes, I can't forget to mention that today's the anniversary of my moving INTO this apartment. Are you trying to TELL me something, universe? Something like "Gary, you NEED to be permanently locked out of this living situation!" VERY funny timing.