Where the FUCK are my FUCKING keys?!?!
Imagine if you will a serene dawning of February, if a bit wet. I got plenty of sleep, felt a bit better, woke early enough that I wasn't remotely in a rush, which is rare...had a couple minutes to spare...la di dah, the world was perfect. Time to leave...where are my keys? WHERE are my keys? Where the FUCK are my keys?!?! OH, MY FUCKING GOD, I JUST MISSED THE FIRST BUS THAT WOULD GET ME TO WORK EARLY!! Sweat forming. I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS! I felt like Jamie Lee Curtis in HALLOWEEN..."the keys, the keys!!"
Every single one of my 6 top layers was either taken off or frantically frisked. Felt the length of my pants, back and front. WHERE are they?! I then dove into the pile of clothes on my bed...had they gotten mixed up in that?! The clothes were thrown on the floor, then the comforter came flying off. I was officially sweating. Pacing. Holding my hands to my head. LOUDLY saying endless forms of FUCK. Frankly, I was on the verge of tears, and i'm not remotely kidding. I was beyond exasperated. It is the WORST feeling in the world...HOW can I leave the house without my keys?!?!
My eye was on the clock as the NEXT bus would soon arrive...which would get me to work a few minutes late, but no one would give a shit. But I had to make THAT bus. As time ticked, it hit me...DID the keys fall out of my pocket in the living room, as they often do, into the couch? I was SURE I'd just seen them on my bureau...but I HAVE been ill, so perhaps a drug-addled haze had me confused. Now on MOST mornings, a quick jog into the living room would've solved the mystery...but that's right, this is where DIPSHIT comes into play. MOTHERFUCKER chooses TODAY to either be off of work or go in late...and we have a wrap-around railroad apt, with 2 entrances...and he's still asleep...and the other door is LOCKED. FUCK!! Even asleep, he's INFURIATING me.
At this point, I imagine i'm in one of the Jason BOURNE films. I'm spinning around...eyes darting...clock ticking...bus nearing...sweat dripping...Dipshit door closed...other door locked...keys missing. Bang on his door? Cause a commotion? InterACT with him? Maybe for nothing? Maybe miss the 2ND bus? FUCK!! I scribble a note to leave the doors open 'cause I can't find my keys, frantically place it in the bathroom where he can find it, and race down the stairs and to the corner. I'm completely disheveled, it's raining, i've still got a cold, i'm sweating, and i'm FUCKING PISSED. And it showed as I glared at the idiots taking forever to board the bus as rain made me wetter by the second, then at the fuck who couldn't decide where he'd sit, delaying my seat-taking. If there was EVER a day I was gonna lose it and throw a profanity-assisted punch at someone, it was today.
Unbelievably, it was an incredibly smooth, quick commute...but I don't think I changed my gaze or expression for the entire ride. A blank expression of rage as I gazed at the same spot on the floor. I couldn't BELIEVE my morning had gone from SUCH serenity to SUCH grief. Here's where my luck gets CRAZY wacky good. For literally 6 months, I'd had a torn piece of paper with the new first floor tenants' phone number on it from a note they'd left us. About TWO weeks ago, I finally decided to get rid of the scrap paper and write it down in my phonebook...but wait, I said...I should just put it in my phone JUST IN CASE. Of WHAT, I had no idea -- I've NEVER had to call anyone in this house for assistance. Until today.
And so I called and arranged to have a key left in the front vestibule. When I finally got home, there was a note...just ring the 2nd floor bell...they'll come down to open the door. And they did...and also had the apt. key, but Dipshit paid attention and left the door open. And so I got in fine. And went to the couch...dug my hand in between the cushions...and THERE WERE MY KEYS. Sweet relief. And THAT is my story. And I will NEVER let this happen again. EVER. It's all Dipshit's fault...I wouldn't NEED to walk around with my keys if he wasn't here and didn't lock the other door all the time. And if he'd fuckin been awake today like he USUALLY is by 8am. Ugh. Oh, yes, I can't forget to mention that today's the anniversary of my moving INTO this apartment. Are you trying to TELL me something, universe? Something like "Gary, you NEED to be permanently locked out of this living situation!" VERY funny timing.
Every single one of my 6 top layers was either taken off or frantically frisked. Felt the length of my pants, back and front. WHERE are they?! I then dove into the pile of clothes on my bed...had they gotten mixed up in that?! The clothes were thrown on the floor, then the comforter came flying off. I was officially sweating. Pacing. Holding my hands to my head. LOUDLY saying endless forms of FUCK. Frankly, I was on the verge of tears, and i'm not remotely kidding. I was beyond exasperated. It is the WORST feeling in the world...HOW can I leave the house without my keys?!?!
My eye was on the clock as the NEXT bus would soon arrive...which would get me to work a few minutes late, but no one would give a shit. But I had to make THAT bus. As time ticked, it hit me...DID the keys fall out of my pocket in the living room, as they often do, into the couch? I was SURE I'd just seen them on my bureau...but I HAVE been ill, so perhaps a drug-addled haze had me confused. Now on MOST mornings, a quick jog into the living room would've solved the mystery...but that's right, this is where DIPSHIT comes into play. MOTHERFUCKER chooses TODAY to either be off of work or go in late...and we have a wrap-around railroad apt, with 2 entrances...and he's still asleep...and the other door is LOCKED. FUCK!! Even asleep, he's INFURIATING me.
At this point, I imagine i'm in one of the Jason BOURNE films. I'm spinning around...eyes darting...clock ticking...bus nearing...sweat dripping...Dipshit door closed...other door locked...keys missing. Bang on his door? Cause a commotion? InterACT with him? Maybe for nothing? Maybe miss the 2ND bus? FUCK!! I scribble a note to leave the doors open 'cause I can't find my keys, frantically place it in the bathroom where he can find it, and race down the stairs and to the corner. I'm completely disheveled, it's raining, i've still got a cold, i'm sweating, and i'm FUCKING PISSED. And it showed as I glared at the idiots taking forever to board the bus as rain made me wetter by the second, then at the fuck who couldn't decide where he'd sit, delaying my seat-taking. If there was EVER a day I was gonna lose it and throw a profanity-assisted punch at someone, it was today.
Unbelievably, it was an incredibly smooth, quick commute...but I don't think I changed my gaze or expression for the entire ride. A blank expression of rage as I gazed at the same spot on the floor. I couldn't BELIEVE my morning had gone from SUCH serenity to SUCH grief. Here's where my luck gets CRAZY wacky good. For literally 6 months, I'd had a torn piece of paper with the new first floor tenants' phone number on it from a note they'd left us. About TWO weeks ago, I finally decided to get rid of the scrap paper and write it down in my phonebook...but wait, I said...I should just put it in my phone JUST IN CASE. Of WHAT, I had no idea -- I've NEVER had to call anyone in this house for assistance. Until today.
And so I called and arranged to have a key left in the front vestibule. When I finally got home, there was a note...just ring the 2nd floor bell...they'll come down to open the door. And they did...and also had the apt. key, but Dipshit paid attention and left the door open. And so I got in fine. And went to the couch...dug my hand in between the cushions...and THERE WERE MY KEYS. Sweet relief. And THAT is my story. And I will NEVER let this happen again. EVER. It's all Dipshit's fault...I wouldn't NEED to walk around with my keys if he wasn't here and didn't lock the other door all the time. And if he'd fuckin been awake today like he USUALLY is by 8am. Ugh. Oh, yes, I can't forget to mention that today's the anniversary of my moving INTO this apartment. Are you trying to TELL me something, universe? Something like "Gary, you NEED to be permanently locked out of this living situation!" VERY funny timing.
posted by Gregoire at 8:33 PM
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