I AM the Hero of Hell's Kitchen

OK, so I merely found a guy's car keys on the deli counter in front of me, setting into motion a frantic 3-minute chase scene. But it was fun. And amusing. And Good Deedish. Let me set the scene -- I'm getting change for a $100 bill (!?) at 8:30am, look down and see a set of car keys on the glass storage cabinet thing in front of the register, exclaim to the foreign lady of questionable heritage, "Oh, someone's keys!" She proceeds to get all OH, NOOOOOOOOO on me. I then -- and I can't believe this -- proceed to say "WHAT DID HE LOOK LIKE? I'LL GO AFTER HIM!" Like a fucking superhero! Foreign Register Lady gives a brief description similar to how the TV news will portray a rapist..."HE HAD A GRAY COAT ON AND JUST CROSSED THE STREET!" Armed with that solid info, I whip the door open, momentarily forgetting I have $96 coming back to me, and race out onto a busy NYC street...darting around...running to the curb...desperately craning my neck around buses. People around me stare. "EVERYTHING'S FINE, NO ONE'S BEEN SHOT!" is what I felt like saying. Eh, I wasn't sure who it was, though, and was jolted back to the reality of my waiting money and bought item. Went back inside, admitted defeat...but then Foreign Lady pointed him out across the street, and I offered to bring him his keys. AREN'T I fucking nice? And so I did...and spied the foreign man sans car keys frantically peering in his window and pulling on the door. I raced toward him, held them up, and said "HERE'S YOUR KEYS!" His grateful, Foreign Man smile carried me through my day. "THANK YOU, THANK YOU!" Oh, it's no worry, Gary's here to make New Yorkers' mornings more bearable. I waved goodbye, feeling fantastic for all my vested interest, and walked away...cocksure in my brisk January step...to my next superhero mission.