Oprah's trained seals

I've long said to a few select people that a collection of my emails would make a fine coffee table holiday gift. And while mine are fucking hilarious (yes, i'm confident), I get equal pleasure from others' delicious rants and musings. The more absurd the subject, the better. I even have a folder FULL of emails between myself and a wonderfully smart, impatient, easily (and rightfully) infuriated friend. Today, while truncating my ridiculously bloated hotmail account, I came across several gems. Here's one, copy and pasted, word for original word from December 2004:

SUBJECT LINE: "I think I could watch..."

BODY OF EMAIL: "a compilation hour solely of the opening moments of Oprah, where camera shot after camera shot is of these stupid, fucking, fawning cunts in the audience screaming and jumping as if Jesus Christ just walked on water in front of them. I yearn to kick each and every one of them in the teeth. Happy Holidays!!"