The last night of 2008

12:53am as I start to write this. I don't have much to say...just wanted to get at least one final blog in before the new year. Today's been an odd day, kinda the reverse of my usual routine. That is, I was up and productive EARLY...then at night basically did nothing. I'm definitely getting better at making better use of my time overall, including being more reasonable with my trips to stores...meaning not GOING to them unless it's an absolute necessity. Trying to limit my "running around." Who the hell needs it? I DID fetch my annual daily planner today...ALWAYS an exciting moment for me, as I dream about the blank slate of the coming year and all I can accomplish if I put my mind to it. I'm sickeningly cliche when it comes to new year's resolutions. By the way, let the record show that I saw gas at $1.32 a gallon today!! Well, hasn't all this been absolutely fascinating? I'M gonna get into bed before 1:30am for the 2nd night in a row! For NO reason! Besides, don't wanna be tired TOMORROW night. I THINK I know how i'm spending the opening moments of 2009...

Twenty years gone by

My grandmother died, well, on the 20th...in 1988. But they found her on the 21st. Heart attack. A lovely holiday memory. Funeral on Christmas Eve in the morning...then Christmas mass at night! I know I go on and on about endless dates and anniversaries, but there's something about this one that's "extra special." Perhaps because it seems so relatively recent? Another sign that, POOF!, we'll ALL be dead in a nanosecond because life flies by so damn quick? Something like that.

It doesn't seem like YESTERDAY, but it still seems recent that I came home from high school to a house with only my brother home, then turned on GENERAL HOSPITAL as always on the little black & white TV, and sat at the kitchen table snacking, not knowing where mom was, and not caring. She was out...who cares. And dad was at work. And then they came home...as I write this, I can hear the front door opening. Asking my brother where Gary was. Odd that dad was home, I thought. Odder that he was summoning us together. And then he just told us. And my first words? "You're kidding?" I'll never forget it. Yes, that's right, he's KIDDING, Gary...4 days before Christmas about his mother dying suddenly. Could I have HAD a more asinine response? Pure shock. They're entirely different in scope, but my grandmother's death and Sept. 11th probably the 2 most shocking things in my life. And i've had a lot to choose from.

As an aside, it seems a tad odd to me now that my 11-year-old brother was walking home from school and had a key to the house. Just seems so young to me. Though I don't know why, as I walked to school since 2nd or 3rd grade...i'll have to get the facts on that. Oh, us wacky, street smart, 1980s urbanites. No worries about child abduction for US!

So, yeah. THAT'S what the first day of winter always means to ME. More death. I just can't wrap my head around the fact that it's been 20 years. I feel like i'm 87. I'm only 12 years younger than my dad was at the time. Oy, I shouldn't go down this miserable road. And let's not forget that Pan Am Flight 103 went down over Lockerbie, Scotland that SAME day...the plight of those poor souls and their survivors forever etched in my mind...parallel grief. So surreal seeing 20th anniversary remembrances for that on the news tonight.

I don't know what to take from this beyond the usual...life's short, use your time wisely, blah blah blah. I feel like I should run out and try to cure cancer...that i'm squandering countless minutes, hours, days, months, YEARS doing POINTLESS things. I try not to. It's why i'm always so irate to some degree, it really is...because i'm CONSTANTLY aware of the fleetingness of life...as some slow-moving dolt makes me catch my 38,975th unnecessary red light. It's too overwhelming. You just go through the motions. "What's the point of all this?" Who the FUCK knows. By the way, Grandma would be 99 now!?! And we still miss her cream puffs at Christmas...

Dashing through the snow...

...underdressed, in sneakers and with a camera. That's what I did from 8:30 till 9pm tonight. The first REAL snow of the season here...a whopping 1.5 inches, maybe, but still...the streets were getting covered, things were slippery. And I had to go for a walk at the storm's height. To "experience" it, clear my head, become invigorated, take pics combining the snow with Xmas lights on houses. SNOW!!

Another classic email...

Wishing a relative stranger a Happy Thanksgiving resulted in my receiving an incredibly heartfelt, candid reply tonight. Made my day. Maybe my week. The email included some words of wisdom from this person's grandfather...how we shouldn't expect to change the world, but by the end of our lives, we BETTER be able to say we impacted our inner circle. I, of course, want to change the world, lol...but i'm willing to start small. I know I do a lot of "comedic" bitching here...and, well, EVERYwhere...but I hope i'm doing more than amusing people. Though making people laugh is ALWAYS an honor in itself, I really DO aim to alter thinking and foster relationships, too. I wanna leave a DEEP imprint. Thank you, Josh.

Dipshit (again, predictably) ponders MARRIAGE (?!)...and Life Without Him finally seems semi-near!

JUST the other day, I was pondering Dipshit's relationship with his Philly chick. Thinking to myself, hmmm, this is at least 9 months old now...every weekend with her...could this POSSIBLY mean she's The One? Flash forward to another one of his illuminating phonecalls tonight. Seems one of his buds suddenly got engaged, and he called to congratulate. During said call, The Words were spoken. Predictably "wise" words about "getting to a certain age" and needing to "make a decision about things" and how (to my surprise) they've ACTUALLY been together almost 11 months. Words were ALSO spoken about 1) shore house people who annoyed him because they never cleaned up and 2) not wanting to call his engaged friend while on the train last night 'cause he didn't wanna disturb his fellow passengers. I give him credit (!) for the last bit, and yet found these 2 "concerns" astonishingly ironic & hypocritical, but I digress from the main topic of GETTING HIM THE FUCK OUT OF MY LIFE.

So I don't wanna waste too much time blogging about this. It IS 2:08am. But it HAD to be noted. Hmm, could he make a decision on this by Christmas and propose by New Year's at the latest? Then move out by March at the latest? Is this possible????????? Am I getting ahead of myself???

There's a sidebar rolling-of-the-eyes rant here about his never living alone, never buying or even renting his own place, morphing from his relatively shithole railroad, TOTALLY non-decorated shared apartment to living with His One until death do them part, she basically taking over ANY kind of domestic chore that Normal Functioning Adults do (dusting, taking out recyclables, knowing "washed" dishes don't have food remnants on them, vacuuming, cleaning pieces of shit off the toilet seat...just examples) from ME. A totally smooth transition from one babysitter to the next for Dipshit. I will NEVER get people, ESPECIALLY males (no sexism meant), who don't wanna live at least a part of their lives ALONE. Their OWN place. Their OWN time. Their OWN furnishings. Their OWN schedule. Their OWN favorite dish detergents and not that dull, cliche orange Dial shit Dipshit gets and i'm supposed to not care as my vastly more interesting cucumber melon kind sits unused beneath the sink. Their own LIFE. Yeah, so there's a sidebar rant about all THAT...but, hey, maybe they'll break up and this whole blog is for naught. And we'll grow into our 40s together.

Then there's the OTHER sidebar about how I certainly wish my living arrangement happiness didn't come by default. How I wish I were more in control of my life and not letting Dipshit's Big Life Decisions determine MINE. At the same time, though, i've been here so long -- SO long -- that I WOULD like to experience living here ALONE even for just a few months. My point being if I got a million-dollar job tomorrow, I'd still want HIM to move out FIRST. For better or worse, this apartment means something to me, and i'm kinda sentimental AND competitive about it. I wanna be the last one standing here, NOT Dipshit. I don't WANT him to ever live alone, haha, despite what I just said earlier. Maybe HE'S been hoping I'D leave all this time? Fuck him. I'll win in a Game of Stubborn EVERY time.

Coincidentally, I drove out to see my landlord today and pay the rent. Had a lovely conversation and got numerous baked goods for the road. And as I left, she asked about Dipshit...and I said he had this chick and was barely around...and she said to tell him "he can't get married," a little joke alluding to the fact that she didn't wanna lose his rent...and mine? I chuckled and moved steadily toward the car. How odd/funny is that, though, that she said that...hours before I heard him broach the topic himself for the first time. And, of course, again, mere days after my OWN always perceptive mind reading of the issue. Oh, funny life.

SNOW!!!!

Holy fucking shit, I think we have a new record for Longest Period Of Time I've Been Idle On My Blog...a day short of 3 weeks!! Man, I REALLY need to get back into this...but, seriously, ain't remotely kidding...my creative juices have gone entirely over to Facebook. It's a sickness. One or two sentence zingers tossed out with abandon...often with almost-real time "discussion." It's just SO great.

I know many find the time spent on that site pathetic, but it's not, and I...as always...know i'm right. I don't quite (and by "quite," I mean "remotely") grasp who these people are who "don't have time" for Facebook...or, worse, to "ever be online." Um, let's work through this...there's computers at home AND the office...AND on lotsa PHONES. AND a lot of computers are mobile LAPTOPS. Internet access is EVERYWHERE in your life. WHAT the fuck are you exactly doing that you can NEVER be online? And I don't wanna hear about your fucking babies taking up all your time. Bullshit. If I had 2 newborns tomorrow, i'd find time to be online. Like everything, time management and priorities...your baby, first, of course. These people never online are missing out...not just on Facebook (though that's a HUGE thing to miss out on), but staying connected, period. These are the people increasingly isolated in their family, forgetting all about the past...and a present beyond the spouse and spawn. Hmm, i'm just hopscotching ALL over the place with alienating comments...makin up for lost time. I have NO idea how my OWN neglecting of my blog morphed into a rant on people who CAN'T STAY IN FUCKING TOUCH...but it has. Oh, well. Deal.

Oh, yeah, it SNOWED tonight for the first time here!! A dusting! Yay. That WAS the topic of this posting...