Twenty years gone by
My grandmother died, well, on the 20th...in 1988. But they found her on the 21st. Heart attack. A lovely holiday memory. Funeral on Christmas Eve in the morning...then Christmas mass at night! I know I go on and on about endless dates and anniversaries, but there's something about this one that's "extra special." Perhaps because it seems so relatively recent? Another sign that, POOF!, we'll ALL be dead in a nanosecond because life flies by so damn quick? Something like that.
It doesn't seem like YESTERDAY, but it still seems recent that I came home from high school to a house with only my brother home, then turned on GENERAL HOSPITAL as always on the little black & white TV, and sat at the kitchen table snacking, not knowing where mom was, and not caring. She was out...who cares. And dad was at work. And then they came home...as I write this, I can hear the front door opening. Asking my brother where Gary was. Odd that dad was home, I thought. Odder that he was summoning us together. And then he just told us. And my first words? "You're kidding?" I'll never forget it. Yes, that's right, he's KIDDING, Gary...4 days before Christmas about his mother dying suddenly. Could I have HAD a more asinine response? Pure shock. They're entirely different in scope, but my grandmother's death and Sept. 11th probably the 2 most shocking things in my life. And i've had a lot to choose from.
As an aside, it seems a tad odd to me now that my 11-year-old brother was walking home from school and had a key to the house. Just seems so young to me. Though I don't know why, as I walked to school since 2nd or 3rd grade...i'll have to get the facts on that. Oh, us wacky, street smart, 1980s urbanites. No worries about child abduction for US!
So, yeah. THAT'S what the first day of winter always means to ME. More death. I just can't wrap my head around the fact that it's been 20 years. I feel like i'm 87. I'm only 12 years younger than my dad was at the time. Oy, I shouldn't go down this miserable road. And let's not forget that Pan Am Flight 103 went down over Lockerbie, Scotland that SAME day...the plight of those poor souls and their survivors forever etched in my mind...parallel grief. So surreal seeing 20th anniversary remembrances for that on the news tonight.
I don't know what to take from this beyond the usual...life's short, use your time wisely, blah blah blah. I feel like I should run out and try to cure cancer...that i'm squandering countless minutes, hours, days, months, YEARS doing POINTLESS things. I try not to. It's why i'm always so irate to some degree, it really is...because i'm CONSTANTLY aware of the fleetingness of life...as some slow-moving dolt makes me catch my 38,975th unnecessary red light. It's too overwhelming. You just go through the motions. "What's the point of all this?" Who the FUCK knows. By the way, Grandma would be 99 now!?! And we still miss her cream puffs at Christmas...
It doesn't seem like YESTERDAY, but it still seems recent that I came home from high school to a house with only my brother home, then turned on GENERAL HOSPITAL as always on the little black & white TV, and sat at the kitchen table snacking, not knowing where mom was, and not caring. She was out...who cares. And dad was at work. And then they came home...as I write this, I can hear the front door opening. Asking my brother where Gary was. Odd that dad was home, I thought. Odder that he was summoning us together. And then he just told us. And my first words? "You're kidding?" I'll never forget it. Yes, that's right, he's KIDDING, Gary...4 days before Christmas about his mother dying suddenly. Could I have HAD a more asinine response? Pure shock. They're entirely different in scope, but my grandmother's death and Sept. 11th probably the 2 most shocking things in my life. And i've had a lot to choose from.
As an aside, it seems a tad odd to me now that my 11-year-old brother was walking home from school and had a key to the house. Just seems so young to me. Though I don't know why, as I walked to school since 2nd or 3rd grade...i'll have to get the facts on that. Oh, us wacky, street smart, 1980s urbanites. No worries about child abduction for US!
So, yeah. THAT'S what the first day of winter always means to ME. More death. I just can't wrap my head around the fact that it's been 20 years. I feel like i'm 87. I'm only 12 years younger than my dad was at the time. Oy, I shouldn't go down this miserable road. And let's not forget that Pan Am Flight 103 went down over Lockerbie, Scotland that SAME day...the plight of those poor souls and their survivors forever etched in my mind...parallel grief. So surreal seeing 20th anniversary remembrances for that on the news tonight.
I don't know what to take from this beyond the usual...life's short, use your time wisely, blah blah blah. I feel like I should run out and try to cure cancer...that i'm squandering countless minutes, hours, days, months, YEARS doing POINTLESS things. I try not to. It's why i'm always so irate to some degree, it really is...because i'm CONSTANTLY aware of the fleetingness of life...as some slow-moving dolt makes me catch my 38,975th unnecessary red light. It's too overwhelming. You just go through the motions. "What's the point of all this?" Who the FUCK knows. By the way, Grandma would be 99 now!?! And we still miss her cream puffs at Christmas...
posted by Gregoire at 10:33 PM
1 Comments:
OK Gary. I'm just getting a chance to read this now. But I can so relate to some of the things you say here.
A friend of mine from high school died a few months ago. Totally unexpected... totally shocking. Of a HEART ATTACK! Her birthday was exactly 5 days before mine in the same YEAR. It freaked me out for weeks (still does). I can't believe I'm at a point in my life where people my own age are dying of health-related issues. :(
I looked at my kids and my life in general so differently since I got the email telling me Missy had died. I could be dead tomorrow, either by some freak accident, or by some health type thing like Missy. It freaks me the hell out. Where does the time go?
I so admire your attitude. I LOVE that you live every day to it's fullest. And I know that the sarcasm you so frequently let loose is simply your frustration that most people seem to operate like robots, not appreciating every waking moment they have.
And now, on December 20th, I'll always think of your grandmother. I'm sure she was amazing. :)
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