The Death Call vs. The Funeral...and that unending time in-between

Which is the most upsetting? I guess it differs with the person who died and your relation to them. This is by far the most conflicted I've been yet in terms of what I write in my blog. Someone I know died...Maggie, only 26...from cancer. TWENTY-SIX. I don't really want to go on and on about it. I simply don't feel like it. Something remains odd and awkward to me about writing TOO much in a blog. Maybe someday I will. That's what writers do, right? Great. But i'm not writing my autobiography yet. So let's just keep details vague, themes general, and humor dark...like how, after I got the bad news via phone message from mom, I proceeded to NOT call mom back within seconds...but instead pressed redial over and over to attempt to vote for AMERICAN IDOL. That WAS why I picked up the phone in the first place at 9:03pm yesterday...only to hear that dreaded "voicemail" beep-beep-beeping. I decided to zone out for 10 minutes and let the news sink in before having a conversation with mom. THEN, I walked to ShopRite, where I'll go on a GOOD day to lose myself. A wonderful, vital, smart, pretty 27-year-old woman died hours earlier from cancer...and i'm debating the merits of fudge pops vs. creamsicles. I chose creamsicles, figuring I'd see enough dark colors in the coming days. The news hit me harder this morning when I woke up...which is when I had this sudden memory of Maggie asking me to dance at my cousin's wedding in October of 2002. In the nine days I knew she'd been very sick in the hospital, I didn't once remember this, but soon after waking...bam. Thank GOD for my diaries...I later verified my memory, as I'd written down the general highlights of the wedding...and that turned out to be one of them. And my diary noted it was the last dance of the evening, too...all the more special. That weekend was really the only time in my life that I hung out with Maggie. We didn't even often see each other, but she's been in my world in an extended way for 27 years...and in that one weekend, she left an incredibly positive impression on me that will last for the rest of MY life. An impressive woman across the board...an engineer. And now we'll all go through the rituals of mourning, go through the motions, JUST wanting it to be over with so we can get back home, lay on the couch and try to forget both the grim reality of what's happened...and that -- surrealistically -- one day, WE'LL be the focus of the mourning. Life's a bitch...learn it early, kids. Enjoy those creamsicles while you can.