My friend's RIOTIOUS assessment of my old work duties

So in my ongoing reviewing/streamlining, last night at 4am, I came across a mock-up my friend (clearly hard at work, also) wrote of what I'd send in for my college's "what's new with you?" section of their quarterly magazine. This was my first job...one I hated. Well, the job ITSELF I hated. I liked a lot of the people (many intriguing creative types), and I liked the bloody murder I sometimes (ok, OFTEN) got away with in my daily struggle to make it to quitting time. It truly was OFFICE SPACE. My friend "Tom the DJ" wrote of me...
Since graduating, Gary has taken to employment at Nameless Mindnumbingly Dull Corporation in New York's Financial District. Gary's duties entail reading the paper, commenting on the latest trends, complaining, eating candy, and waiting for 5:30pm. He is your future."

I fucking cackled out loud when I read it. I'm sure it's much funnier to me than anyone else. But he forgot pretending to be on the phone with stockholders as I compiled grocery lists and "accidentally" (WHOOPS) hanging up on incoming calls. And SO much more. WHERE is my Emmy?!?! Ahhhh...fond & horrifying memories at once. Another screenplay waiting to happen...