White man muttering profanities while rolling eyes, Aisle 8

My Hungarian Goddess friend said that the Mystery Website that links me found me particularly hilarious when I wrote about being annoyed. Well, this isn't hard, as I'm always annoyed. But I'm increasingly afraid of coming off like an Angry Hillary Clinton type. And i'm not. But I won't go into how wonderfully complex I am...how, while i'm annoyed at every turn in life, i'm really a "chill" zen (NOTE THE TITLE, fools!) type. Instead, I'll bitch and moan about what pissed me off today. It seems to be my schtick. Hours later, I can recount EVERY bloody dolt who got in my way on the 5-minute trip to ShopRite by car from my parents. First, the idiot 2 kids who crossed in front of me far too slowly at the end of my block. "MOVE IT, TUBBY!!," I screamed inside my car to the fatter of the 2 young boys. These 2 little fucks ALMOST made me catch the light at the next corner, but I raced to barely make it. Naturally, another dawdling pedestrian made the car in front of me stop before turning right. **So, if you're on foot, and a car's trying to turn, can you FUCKING HUSTLE, ALREADY?! This car proceeded to literally go about 15mph for several blocks, inspiring my new favorite sardonic response...directly eying them in their rear view mirror while making my MOVE, MOVE, MOVE...MAKE THE LIGHT!! gesture with my right hand. Once I was free to turn left, away from this slow-witted dolt surely of some foreign background (I'll wager Asian...and please, save your letters), I floored my stylin' 1989 Chevy Caprice up that motherfuckin hill, and was soon at ShopRite...for new horrors. You see, it's gonna SNOW. A LOT, "they" say. This means people will be trapped inside for days. This means New Orleans Superdome-style pushin and shoving and clamoring for food. This means that the fucking parking lot was fucking as full as i've EVER fucking seen it...like, worse than the day before Thanksgiving. Oh, my fucking God. Well, at least I don't mind walking, and settled into literally the only spot I saw, in the farthest row away from the entrance. Inside, it was just mobbed. But, you see, mobbed is one thing...but shuffling idiots moving almost backwards they're moving so slowly...THAT I canNOT tolerate. And they're all fat, too. Everyone's fat. But that's another story. Ok, some aren't, but a lot are. Obviously, everyone but me has 150 more years to live on this planet and they KNOW it, because that's the only reason I can accept for moving so slowly through life. I wanna GET my fucking shit, and get the fuck out of there. And if I'm analyzing a shelf of food or something on my person, I GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE MIDDLE OF THE AISLE. So, you know, people can file past me. That IS me now...that person just cursing out loud in the store or on the street, glaring, tapping my foot, rolling my eyes so far back it's like i'm convulsing. And JUST when I thought I couldn't be more annoyed...check-out time. A short line even! Ahh, but the Asian man who could barely speak English and who only had 2 large things of Wesson to buy...well, he had a problem. Some kind of "i'm not sure if these are the large vats of oil that my lovely Asian wife at home wants" problem. A problem that Said Asian Man decided he'd solve by...well, calling his wife, of course. As a line grows behind him. As I'm convinced I'm finally gonna have my aneurysm right there in line. I'd always assumed it'd be behind the wheel of a car. He then leaves the line for a more private area...as we're all STILL standing there. Can you FUCKING imagine?! WHHHHHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYYY?!?!??! Finally, he shakes his head no, grabs his daughter and leaves the store. The cashier then has to wait to have the sale voided. All as i'm daydreaming of owning a handgun. Weary, I slowly make my way home. Ranting to my mother, she gives me her usual "oh, calm down" bit, which only makes me angrier. Heavy sigh. All that said, it WAS a productive day, despite hours of running around and aggravation. Martha Stewart on Dave was beyond amusing. The oncoming blizzard (?) has me wet with anticipation. And people are reading my blog!!!!!