The cemetery tour
Haven't done it in a couple of years, at least. So why not today, Mother's Day? It was on my way, too...logistics always being a plus. Two cemeteries, 3 graves. Both sets of grandparents and my aunt and uncle. Didn't stay long. Didn't bring flowers. Merely went. Checked it out. Spruced up some dead flowers and leaves. I mean, what else is there to do? I'm not gonna stand there talking to a headstone or the earth below like you see on TV or in the movies. Maybe if I went at night and was sure no one was looking, I would...but THAT would be rather creepy, no? Besides, it'd be considered trespassing at night.
Naturally, there were people pretty close by at all three graves, so I felt totally self-conscious. It IS Mother's Day, so it was rather hopping with activity...which annoyed the shit out of me. Even in the cemetery, I was screaming profanities at other drivers. Sorry, mourning or paying respects doesn't give you the right to be a stupid driver. At one point, the lane was BLOCKED, as some assfuck didn't grasp you park on ONE side of the narrow lanes. I was forced to peel backwards in a fit of rage.
Unsettling to see my last name on a headstone, that's for damn sure. Also realized my father's dad would've just turned 104...VERY surreal. And, yet, not THAT surreal. I mean, he COULD still be alive at such an age. Not like he'd be 120. Hmm, grandpa was rather old for his time when he had his first child...my father. Interesting. Oh, wait, that reminds me of a mini-scandal that broke 5 years ago...at least to MY ears...how my grandmother was my grandfather's SECOND wife. How amusing I'd totally forgotten that until now. Too much gossip to keep track of.
As I very well may have said before on here, it's a strange thing to have the cemeteries of loved ones so nearby. Depending on your outlook, it's either comforting or disturbing. It's probably easier for many if the cemeteries were miles and miles away...out of sight, out of mind. No constant reminders of the Big Awful Truth of where we all wind up. I'm not quite sure what I get out of it when I go. A part of me's oddly proud of myself that I merely GO...confronting that Truth head on. Then there's the paying respects part. Most of all, though, I think I just get an even firmer slap in the face about the swift passage of time. Hopefully, every slap spurs me further to seize the day.
One macabre/amusing thing that happened today was my realization, for the first time to my memory, that there was an "open space" next to my mother's parents' grave. DEAR GOD!! A wave of dread swept over me. Things you NEVER wanna think about. So, naturally, like a good Irishman, I brought this cheery topic up over Mother's Day dinner. "So is that YOUR plot?" The answer was, refreshingly, NO. They'd "thought about" buying it, but never have. I guess it's not easy deciding where to place yourself for eternity.
So that was about a half hour of my afternoon this Mother's Day. I know it's a very hard day for people who've lost their mothers, and I had that in mind as I spent time with mine...aggravation and all. I'm at the sad point where I'm consciously aware, while i'm picking out cards each holiday, that there's no guarantees any of us will be here for the same holiday next year. But daily life clashes with post-death regret. I try valiantly to appreciate my parents every day...even when they (often...and justifiably) annoy me. I know i'm very lucky to still have them. I'm more grateful every day, actually. The passage of time is GOOD in the seeing things from new perspectives sense. You just do the best you can in the moment, hoping for minimum long-term guilt.
Naturally, there were people pretty close by at all three graves, so I felt totally self-conscious. It IS Mother's Day, so it was rather hopping with activity...which annoyed the shit out of me. Even in the cemetery, I was screaming profanities at other drivers. Sorry, mourning or paying respects doesn't give you the right to be a stupid driver. At one point, the lane was BLOCKED, as some assfuck didn't grasp you park on ONE side of the narrow lanes. I was forced to peel backwards in a fit of rage.
Unsettling to see my last name on a headstone, that's for damn sure. Also realized my father's dad would've just turned 104...VERY surreal. And, yet, not THAT surreal. I mean, he COULD still be alive at such an age. Not like he'd be 120. Hmm, grandpa was rather old for his time when he had his first child...my father. Interesting. Oh, wait, that reminds me of a mini-scandal that broke 5 years ago...at least to MY ears...how my grandmother was my grandfather's SECOND wife. How amusing I'd totally forgotten that until now. Too much gossip to keep track of.
As I very well may have said before on here, it's a strange thing to have the cemeteries of loved ones so nearby. Depending on your outlook, it's either comforting or disturbing. It's probably easier for many if the cemeteries were miles and miles away...out of sight, out of mind. No constant reminders of the Big Awful Truth of where we all wind up. I'm not quite sure what I get out of it when I go. A part of me's oddly proud of myself that I merely GO...confronting that Truth head on. Then there's the paying respects part. Most of all, though, I think I just get an even firmer slap in the face about the swift passage of time. Hopefully, every slap spurs me further to seize the day.
One macabre/amusing thing that happened today was my realization, for the first time to my memory, that there was an "open space" next to my mother's parents' grave. DEAR GOD!! A wave of dread swept over me. Things you NEVER wanna think about. So, naturally, like a good Irishman, I brought this cheery topic up over Mother's Day dinner. "So is that YOUR plot?" The answer was, refreshingly, NO. They'd "thought about" buying it, but never have. I guess it's not easy deciding where to place yourself for eternity.
So that was about a half hour of my afternoon this Mother's Day. I know it's a very hard day for people who've lost their mothers, and I had that in mind as I spent time with mine...aggravation and all. I'm at the sad point where I'm consciously aware, while i'm picking out cards each holiday, that there's no guarantees any of us will be here for the same holiday next year. But daily life clashes with post-death regret. I try valiantly to appreciate my parents every day...even when they (often...and justifiably) annoy me. I know i'm very lucky to still have them. I'm more grateful every day, actually. The passage of time is GOOD in the seeing things from new perspectives sense. You just do the best you can in the moment, hoping for minimum long-term guilt.
posted by Gregoire at 7:34 PM
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