The last night of the First Part of the year

Today has been an odd little day. My stomach felt odd about 2pm...and I rarely have stomach issues, nor did I eat anything odd. THIS morphed into what I can best describe as my latest panic attack...and the first NOT in a car...except I really had no pressing reason to BE panicked today. And I wasn't. I was FINE...until my stomach started feeling "sour." Perhaps I panicked because I was inventing all the worst case scenarios of WHY my stomach felt odd. Who the fuck knows. All I know is that I was briefly rather rattled...as I paced the house, couldn't sit still, felt like my breathing was labored, and felt vaguely weak. WHAT...THE...FUCK?! I settled on the cool and calming spare bedroom to lay down in...on the floor. And it worked. I felt better. Roughly 2 hours was wasted on feeling weird...and then I pepped up again. Went to the post office, got some fresh air. My belly briefly felt a bit off after my evening salad...but i've been fine since. Buoyed by both feeling better AND by it being The Start of Summer tomorrow, I have since been on an incredible journey of ripping to shreds the decor of my room. That sounds both extreme and pathetic. But it's true. I am SO fucking sick of 1) clutter, 2) living here, 3) feeling like my room looks the same as it did in college. I also continue to treat summer like another dimension, and always feel inspired by it -- this wonderful, too brief, special time of the year where fresh starts can be made and new ideas hatched into motion. Basically, it's like a second new year to me. And so, i've been tinkering, tossing, rearranging, MAKING BARE. It's not like I moved my bed or put up a new wall. Just thoroughly invigorating reorganizing like I haven't done, well, EVER. Let me stress this isn't "my piles" I'm reorganizing...but my picture frames, knick-knacks, EVERYTHING that makes up my walls, radiator top, shelving of any kind. MOST exciting is the ripping down of ticket stubs taped to my wall...a collection that began in my early teens. Yes, i'll keep them...and display them somehow, someday...likely on a cork board...in my "office." But for now, in this apt, they are GONE from above my desk. They don't fucking belong on the bedroom wall of a 33-year-old man. I'll have you know I have things ON my desk that have been there since I was like EIGHT. The desk, though, is another story. I'm fine for now with the desktop of sentimental old faves. Mainly my walls were driving me nuts. My main Wall Goal was attaining a solid tropical/desert/ocean/surf theme...to both inspire and calm...but also putting all these pics together, so only one small area looked like a high school locker of pics ripped from mags. Hmm, I should paint a palm tree on my wall. So, ALSO by doing this...i'm FURTHER inching toward moving out...even though I know, and accept, that I can't anytime soon. Jesus, i'm rambling. Seriously, though...major tedious paring down took place tonight...and i'm SO fucking happy. The smallest visual changes around you can totally affect your mood. I'm BORED...by EVERYthing...so tonight has been fucking fantastic. You wake up every day and see things around your room and house the SAME way. If one's mood and momentum can be positively altered by changing up these little things, making things more spare and ZEN...DO IT!! I'm sure I sound like a hippy dippy freak. I wish I could give tours to more fully explain what I mean by things. Trust me, these blogs would make much more sense. And so, this is it...i'm getting misty, yet TRES excited...the book is closing on spring and the first phase of 2006. I...AM...READY!!