Dipshit touches my ketchup

SO...attention to detail being one of my many strong suits, this morning I instantaneously notice a gaping void on the microwave stand where I keep some of my non-perishables until I'm ready to put them in the fridge. After a perplexing minute wondering what I'd had there, I realize it's my super large bottle of Heinz ketchup. A quick glance into the garbage can reveals an almost empty one of same. So Fucknut Dipshit's out of ketchup...and just TAKES mine? Um, NO. Now he's VERY lucky he didn't open the seal...he'd merely put it in the fridge. I already have an open bottle of ketchup, thank you...when THAT'S done, i'll open up the new, fresh one. Now let me explain something...we're merely roommates and don't share ANYthing besides a fucking roof. I don't WASTE WHAT LITTLE MONEY I FUCKING HAVE on food for HIM. In all fairness, he's like never done this before, but it doesn't lessen my rage. I mean, he KNOWS all that shit on the stand is mine. He can't possibly think it's his. Well, he's either stupid or nervy. Actually, he's definitely both, but I meant just in this case. So I just took out the bottle and put it right back where it's sat for MONTHS. Let's see if he says anything and i'm forced into an unspeakably awkward, aggravating conversation over fucking KETCHUP. I'm already enraged that I'm even THINKING and WRITING about this insanity. Life's too short. Have I mentioned I fucking hate him?