Relatives

Sangria and red wine have made me VERY tired, so this won't be too long. But I went to a baptism party today. And just watched BROTHERS & SISTERS, a show I'm finding myself oddly drawn to, despite some heavy-handed dialogue and cliched situations. But I found today's party almost excruciating to sit through. And it's nothing personal. I just tend to hate most parties set at a restaurant...ie, where you're all at tables and barely move all night. There's precious little mingling, and even conversations with people at your own table are strained and awkward. The ENTIRE thing's awkward. I didn't say ONE word to half my family the entire night. Now, mind you, these aren't my first cousins or aunts and uncles I was with...just other cousins. I just have too much family. It's becoming increasingly tedious to me. I hate saying that, but it's true. They're good people, and individually, at the right times, I can have wonderful chats with most of them. But far too much of it is forced. And i'm fucking sick of it. If i'm an asshole, fine. I don't give a fuck anymore. I just wanna go like a year without a single family fest except for Thanksgiving and Christmas. I don't feel myself at these things. There's always stupid ass adult contemporary music playing the entire time...and then "wedding dance songs" like YMCA for the after-dinner gyration portion of the affair. It's painful to listen to and watch. I don't have a spouse. I don't have a baby. I have no happy little suburban life to chit-chat about. I don't give two shits about town politics. I just feel like I have ABSOLUTELY nothing to say to ANYONE. And YET...I KNOW i'm fucking fascinating beyond words, lol. I find myself most comfortable at these things with my cousins under the age of 10, asking them about school and what they're being for Halloween. I actually DO care, too. At these things, I just wanna whip off my tie, throw on my baseball cap slightly askew, and rant profanely like I do here...and then some. I just feel so reined in, so not me. And I hate that. Rest assurred, politeness and witty, sarcastic banter remain intact. But there's so much fakeness in the room, so much decades-old relationship boundaries. I feel like no one's for real. So I just sit at my table, drink my sangria, toss out a witty comment here and there, but generally keep my mouth shut to what I REALLY wanna blurt out. I'm sick of being nice and the whole thing's a bore. Again, nothing personal. If the party's at a house, things are a BIT better...more interaction. Family just doesn't mean as much to me as it did 15 years ago. Then again, many have dropped dead since then. And it depends on the side of the family. Oh, this is ridiculous to talk about on here...it's too complicated. And i'm too tired. I'll comfort myself with the idea that maybe others feel JUST as awkward around ME. My main fear is that I just will NOT feel right at any family gathering until I have a bride and baby. And THAT ain't happening soon. Thus, let's stop these gatherings. They're too much agita. Because i'll NEVER be like everyone else, which will forever be, at once, the greatest gift and greatest curse.