I think i'm done with boxer shorts
If you only knew the obscene things that were going on underneath my corduroys while I walked and drove around for 7 hours shopping today. These fucking things just do NOT wear well on me. I need something that, um, STAYS where it's supposed to. Does my lean frame have something to do with the moving and the shifting? It's a fucking pain in the ass. I'm walking through the fucking mall with my cords falling DOWN (as they always do) and my boxers hiking UP. On the outside I look like Kevin Federline, while on the inside I'm Ed Grimley. And, yes, I was wearing a belt...to no avail.
Add to this aggravation the fact that the bottom of my cords keep uncuffing...so i'm almost tripping, too. WHY are they so long on me?!!? It's the right size! Oh, wait, maybe 'cause they're loose and keep falling? Oh, but wait again...they're also the right size in the WAIST -- an enviable 32", I'll have you know. Is this that rare case where I actually need a 31" pant?! So I was just fucking irritated. As time wore on, I cared less and less about just stopping to the side and yanking my cords up while trying to force down the Inner Layer as discreetly as possible. Oh, yeah, I also woke up with a stiff neck, so I had to whirl my whole body around to look in any given direction. Yeah, driving was fun like that. Given my overall appearance, I probably looked like I was just released from the group home. I mean, I felt like Geri Jewell with my fucking neck.
I DID have a brief fun time, though, roaming the fascinating town of Secaucus. No, seriously...it's VERY interesting if you actually get off the highway and away from the stores. Interesting as in ODD. Mansions, shacks, all in this little town...in the middle of the meadows. Including a BIG ASS LOG CABIN being built...something you'd see in Montana. And new nature trails. And WOODS. Fucking woods. It is all SO strange. I've explored there before, but never to this extent. Having said that, today could be the LAST time i'm ever in Secaucus...at least to shop. It was maddening beyond human belief. The layout of roads and stores is so completely convoluted. And the TRAFFIC...a nightmare. Then, of course, you have the PEOPLE. The slow-witted General Population. Both shopper AND salesperson. Like waiting in line 15 minutes behind ONE bitch to pay for my ONE photo album. Me looking down and rocking back and forth ever more vigorously. Endless issues, including the dreaded "I need a VOID!" I didn't even look at her when she muttered "sorry." Kept staring blankly and rocking. Can we PLEASE institute CASH ONLY lines across this great nation?!?!?!!!? Oh, and we can't forget the bad DRIVERS. Christ, I couldn't get out of that fucking zoo fast enough.
But back to my underwear. Yeah, I'll have to consider this hard-hitting issue. I need to keep at least a couple on hand. Overall, though, it's time to stock up on lots of boxer BRIEFS. They HAVE always been my favorite. Wow, what will I reveal next?! Jock itch?!
Add to this aggravation the fact that the bottom of my cords keep uncuffing...so i'm almost tripping, too. WHY are they so long on me?!!? It's the right size! Oh, wait, maybe 'cause they're loose and keep falling? Oh, but wait again...they're also the right size in the WAIST -- an enviable 32", I'll have you know. Is this that rare case where I actually need a 31" pant?! So I was just fucking irritated. As time wore on, I cared less and less about just stopping to the side and yanking my cords up while trying to force down the Inner Layer as discreetly as possible. Oh, yeah, I also woke up with a stiff neck, so I had to whirl my whole body around to look in any given direction. Yeah, driving was fun like that. Given my overall appearance, I probably looked like I was just released from the group home. I mean, I felt like Geri Jewell with my fucking neck.
I DID have a brief fun time, though, roaming the fascinating town of Secaucus. No, seriously...it's VERY interesting if you actually get off the highway and away from the stores. Interesting as in ODD. Mansions, shacks, all in this little town...in the middle of the meadows. Including a BIG ASS LOG CABIN being built...something you'd see in Montana. And new nature trails. And WOODS. Fucking woods. It is all SO strange. I've explored there before, but never to this extent. Having said that, today could be the LAST time i'm ever in Secaucus...at least to shop. It was maddening beyond human belief. The layout of roads and stores is so completely convoluted. And the TRAFFIC...a nightmare. Then, of course, you have the PEOPLE. The slow-witted General Population. Both shopper AND salesperson. Like waiting in line 15 minutes behind ONE bitch to pay for my ONE photo album. Me looking down and rocking back and forth ever more vigorously. Endless issues, including the dreaded "I need a VOID!" I didn't even look at her when she muttered "sorry." Kept staring blankly and rocking. Can we PLEASE institute CASH ONLY lines across this great nation?!?!?!!!? Oh, and we can't forget the bad DRIVERS. Christ, I couldn't get out of that fucking zoo fast enough.
But back to my underwear. Yeah, I'll have to consider this hard-hitting issue. I need to keep at least a couple on hand. Overall, though, it's time to stock up on lots of boxer BRIEFS. They HAVE always been my favorite. Wow, what will I reveal next?! Jock itch?!
posted by Gregoire at 10:46 PM
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