Breaking down answering machine/VM messages to the bare minimum

1) "HI/Hey," -- OK, this is polite and it doesn't get any shorter and sweeter. Anything MORE than either of these two words is superfluous and a waste of precious time.

2) "you've reached..." -- still good, still acceptable...

3) "(NAME)" -- COMPLETELY unnecessary and potentially dangerous if a home/cell number, IRRITATINGLY necessary, I guess, at work...though not always.

4) "(at) (PHONE NUMBER)." -- essential for verification purposes, combined with, well, the sound of the person you know's voice.

5) "I'm/We're not here right now to take your call..." -- NO WAY, FUCKING REALLY?

6) "so if you'll leave your name and number..." -- Oh, THAT'S what I should do?

7) "and the reason for your call..." -- Jesus fucking Christ...TOTALLY unnecessary.

8) "we'll get back to you as soon as possible." -- Well, MAYBE that's the truth, but if I don't want to fucking talk to you or it's no rush, I either won't call back or it'll be at my leisure.

9) "Thank you..." -- Polite, but wasting my time.

10) "and have a nice day!" -- Aww, how sweet and neighborly...but MOVE IT ALONG!

SO...here's what everyone's message SHOULD sound like...which is the way MINE is...me being wildly impatient and valuing my fucking time...

In a friendly, yet swift tone, of course..."Hi, you've reached (MY NUMBER)." BEEP.