Gary entertains a court of law
Jury duty today in Jersey City. And yours truly found yet another audience to entertain. About 10:30am, I was one of 35-40 people called into a courtroom to fill out like a 15-page questionaire relating to our case, which involved some lady slipping on ice and suing the condo owners. There were a lot of ?s about our views on frivolous lawsuits and if we've been in accidents or broken bones...or if anyone we knew had. Which is why I mentioned my broken left wrist of August 1983. More on that in a minute.
So once we're done the questionaire, we were free for a half hour, then reconvened for a few minutes...before the judge FINALLY walked in. The regal, middle-aged, black (I refuse to say African American) female judge. She really DID look like someone right out of Central Casting. We're soon told that we'll be called up INTO the jury box to answer questions on a screen, followed by questions from the 3 lawyers and judge. At this point, I'm wondering "hmm, ALL of us are gonna go through this?" There WERE close to 40 of us there. They already had 6 jurors and only needed 2 more. This could take all damn day, I was thinking. And, yes, I was hoping to God I wouldn't be called upon to reveal personal details to a courtroom of strangers. So, naturally...I was called. FIRST.
Up I went, imagining (yet again) I was in a GENERAL HOSPITAL scene. And from the get-go, light comedy, as I wasn't sure what seat to sit in, started sitting in the wrong one, and was told "no, here!" by 2 other jurors. And then the list of questions. Name, where I was born, where I live now, shit like that to start. Then what I do...it starts to get interesting. Then who I live with...I nearly burst out laughing as I wanted to scream DIPSHIT, YOUR HONOR. Ugh, that I even had to reference him! And even where HE worked! It finally wound up with my hobbies. Fave TV shows...I LOVED saying "THE SIMPSONS and cable news shows." As much as I loved saying HOWARD STERN was a favorite radio personality. And HOW great that my ECONOMIST came in perfectly handy to answer as a "fave mag." HOBBIES?! By this point, I noticed many in the room already had smiles on their faces, even the lawyers...all wildly charmed by my witty, thorough, strongly voiced delivery. Amazes me that some people JUST don't know how the fuck to SPEAK UP. So, for hobbies, I rambled about the beach, biking, reading...nothing alarming, but amusing in the way I said it.
NOW it's time for the regal judge to quiz me. She wouldn't let up about what i'd repeatedly written about feeling "the system is flawed." And how I take things on a case-by-case basis. And she PRESSED for an example of what I found to be a frivolous lawsuit...I was blank, stammering, coming up with nothing on the spot. Then it came time for me to rehash in front of everyone how I hit a girl on her bike with my car years ago. Yeah, charming. I was mortified at this point. I vigorously lobbied, though, to fully explain the situation...IT WAS THE GIRL'S FUCKING FAULT!! I did everything right at the time...it was simply an accident, largely caused by a stupid 12-year-old girl. Ugh. But I even made this slightly comedic.
I quickly redeemed myself -- and got a laugh from even the stern judge -- when she asked how I broke my aforementioned wrist. "I fell on my roller skates." It was a struggle not to reveal my Rain Man-like memory by stating that it was Friday, August 5, 1983 at about 7:30pm...and how mom didn't believe I was really hurt until I was still sobbing in pain about 10pm. But the whole court loved this little life snippet. The BEST, though, was saved for last. And unintentional. Just Humorous Me. One of the lawyers asked for Juror #3 to be removed. I LEAPT up, asking out loud to anyone who'd listen, IS THAT ME?! Again, the other jurors frantically sat me down, telling me I was Juror #6. Dammit! The entire court burst out in giggles at my CLEAR yearning to get the fuck OFF the jury panel. The judge, laughing again herself, told me "you're not getting off THAT easy!"
Two more prospectives were called to ramble...and MUCH less was asked of them. I mean, I was literally grilled for like triple the time of the next two. I got very nervous when the lady lawyer, representing the defendant, announced she was satisfied with the jury. But in the next moment, I was saved by the plaintiff's lawyer, asking that "Juror #6 be removed, your honor." YAY! I made one last Look At Me! display by confirming with the judge that I was to then go back to the jury management room.
So I made the most of my chance for the spotlight today. Fun shit. Though I was weary the entire day. And most annoyed that I DO have to return tomorrow...though, mercifully, not till 9:30am. That extra hour of sleep is CRUCIAL. And I can't forget THIS unbelievable occurrence -- I'm sitting there about 9:20am when I look at my cell, on vibrate, see that I had a text message. "TURN AROUND, LOOK BEHIND YOU," it commanded. I can't even begin to express how surreal that moment was for me. I was briefly panicked and confused. Scanning down to see the name, it was just one of those dumb moments where you KNOW what has to be going on -- a good friend just happened to be picked for jury duty the same day! -- but you text something back like, "you're HERE?" Uh, NO, dumbass. When I DID turn around, I couldn't see my friend. And I felt like a freak repeatedly turning to scan everyone behind me, so I just stopped for a bit. But FINALLY, I saw her. SO fucking odd. Took jury duty to see a good friend for the first time in more than 4 months. Funny. So that's my epic recounting of jury duty for you. How i'm still conscious is beyond me. Me need bed. Or another Pepperidge Farm apricot-raspberry Verona cookie.
So once we're done the questionaire, we were free for a half hour, then reconvened for a few minutes...before the judge FINALLY walked in. The regal, middle-aged, black (I refuse to say African American) female judge. She really DID look like someone right out of Central Casting. We're soon told that we'll be called up INTO the jury box to answer questions on a screen, followed by questions from the 3 lawyers and judge. At this point, I'm wondering "hmm, ALL of us are gonna go through this?" There WERE close to 40 of us there. They already had 6 jurors and only needed 2 more. This could take all damn day, I was thinking. And, yes, I was hoping to God I wouldn't be called upon to reveal personal details to a courtroom of strangers. So, naturally...I was called. FIRST.
Up I went, imagining (yet again) I was in a GENERAL HOSPITAL scene. And from the get-go, light comedy, as I wasn't sure what seat to sit in, started sitting in the wrong one, and was told "no, here!" by 2 other jurors. And then the list of questions. Name, where I was born, where I live now, shit like that to start. Then what I do...it starts to get interesting. Then who I live with...I nearly burst out laughing as I wanted to scream DIPSHIT, YOUR HONOR. Ugh, that I even had to reference him! And even where HE worked! It finally wound up with my hobbies. Fave TV shows...I LOVED saying "THE SIMPSONS and cable news shows." As much as I loved saying HOWARD STERN was a favorite radio personality. And HOW great that my ECONOMIST came in perfectly handy to answer as a "fave mag." HOBBIES?! By this point, I noticed many in the room already had smiles on their faces, even the lawyers...all wildly charmed by my witty, thorough, strongly voiced delivery. Amazes me that some people JUST don't know how the fuck to SPEAK UP. So, for hobbies, I rambled about the beach, biking, reading...nothing alarming, but amusing in the way I said it.
NOW it's time for the regal judge to quiz me. She wouldn't let up about what i'd repeatedly written about feeling "the system is flawed." And how I take things on a case-by-case basis. And she PRESSED for an example of what I found to be a frivolous lawsuit...I was blank, stammering, coming up with nothing on the spot. Then it came time for me to rehash in front of everyone how I hit a girl on her bike with my car years ago. Yeah, charming. I was mortified at this point. I vigorously lobbied, though, to fully explain the situation...IT WAS THE GIRL'S FUCKING FAULT!! I did everything right at the time...it was simply an accident, largely caused by a stupid 12-year-old girl. Ugh. But I even made this slightly comedic.
I quickly redeemed myself -- and got a laugh from even the stern judge -- when she asked how I broke my aforementioned wrist. "I fell on my roller skates." It was a struggle not to reveal my Rain Man-like memory by stating that it was Friday, August 5, 1983 at about 7:30pm...and how mom didn't believe I was really hurt until I was still sobbing in pain about 10pm. But the whole court loved this little life snippet. The BEST, though, was saved for last. And unintentional. Just Humorous Me. One of the lawyers asked for Juror #3 to be removed. I LEAPT up, asking out loud to anyone who'd listen, IS THAT ME?! Again, the other jurors frantically sat me down, telling me I was Juror #6. Dammit! The entire court burst out in giggles at my CLEAR yearning to get the fuck OFF the jury panel. The judge, laughing again herself, told me "you're not getting off THAT easy!"
Two more prospectives were called to ramble...and MUCH less was asked of them. I mean, I was literally grilled for like triple the time of the next two. I got very nervous when the lady lawyer, representing the defendant, announced she was satisfied with the jury. But in the next moment, I was saved by the plaintiff's lawyer, asking that "Juror #6 be removed, your honor." YAY! I made one last Look At Me! display by confirming with the judge that I was to then go back to the jury management room.
So I made the most of my chance for the spotlight today. Fun shit. Though I was weary the entire day. And most annoyed that I DO have to return tomorrow...though, mercifully, not till 9:30am. That extra hour of sleep is CRUCIAL. And I can't forget THIS unbelievable occurrence -- I'm sitting there about 9:20am when I look at my cell, on vibrate, see that I had a text message. "TURN AROUND, LOOK BEHIND YOU," it commanded. I can't even begin to express how surreal that moment was for me. I was briefly panicked and confused. Scanning down to see the name, it was just one of those dumb moments where you KNOW what has to be going on -- a good friend just happened to be picked for jury duty the same day! -- but you text something back like, "you're HERE?" Uh, NO, dumbass. When I DID turn around, I couldn't see my friend. And I felt like a freak repeatedly turning to scan everyone behind me, so I just stopped for a bit. But FINALLY, I saw her. SO fucking odd. Took jury duty to see a good friend for the first time in more than 4 months. Funny. So that's my epic recounting of jury duty for you. How i'm still conscious is beyond me. Me need bed. Or another Pepperidge Farm apricot-raspberry Verona cookie.
posted by Gregoire at 7:12 PM
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